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How to be an Elementary School Bully
Choose Your Victim
Before you begin bullying, you'll need to find someone to bully.
As a general rule, look for someone smaller and weaker than you are.
The fewer friends they have to back them up, the better!
Also, be sure to give them a "nickname." Here are some suggestions:
Perfect for when you're JUST starting to bully your victim...
This trick will only work for a limited time. Eventually your victim will learn not to trust you. Enjoy it while you can.
Pretend to give your victim a pat on the back.
Stick a sign to the victim's back that says "Kick Me."
Stand back and watch the ensuing hilarity.
Get your finger soaking wet with saliva.
Insert your finger in victim's ear.
This may cause an ear infection. Make sure that the victim's parents have no way of knowing you're responsible for their child's trip to the ear doctor.
Take a piece of paper and put it in your mouth
Chew on it until it's sopping wet with your saliva.
Chuck it at your victim!
Also Known as a "Dutch Rub"
Put your victim in a headlock.
Rub your knuckles quickly back and forth over your victim's head, causing friction and irritation.
Making Them Eat Gross Things
Pin your victim down somehow.
Force feed them "gross" things
Can be done by yourself or with a group if you're not strong enough.
Turn victim upside-down
Holding onto victim's legs, dunk victim's head into the toilet bowl
FLUSH! Watch victim's hair "swirl."
Tip: Works better if the toilet lid is up!
Turn on the drinking fountain
When your victim walks by, use your hand to aim the water
Laugh at your victim's soggy misery
Grasp victim's forearm
Twist your hands in opposite directions. Repeat until victim's arm is dark red with soreness.
Extend pinky finger
Pinky stiff; wrist loose. Flick your pinky quickly on your victim's bare skin.
The Art of Towel Snapping
Take a towel, usually damp (to hold the shape!), and twist it along the diagonal to make a whip.
From there, snap the towel as you would crack a whip. Should cause your victim stinging pain where struck!
It's all in the wrist.
AKA: Nipple Cripple or T*tty Twister
Locate your victim's nipples.
Grasp your victim's nipple(s) firmly with your thumb and index finger.
Tip: For speed & effectiveness, twist their left nipple clockwise and their right nipple counterclockwise
This technique and the two following it all involve tricking your victim into giving you their own unwitting permission to abuse them.
YOU: Would you like a Hertz Donut?
(At this juncture you punch your victim)
YOU: Hurts, DON'T IT?!*
*Pronounced like "doughnut"
Tip: This trick works even better if you happen to have a doughnut/doughnut box to fool them with...
Ask your victim "Would you like a Button Face?"
If they say "yes" or "What's a Button Face?" then that's your cue to knock them down and sit on their face!
Get it?! Butt ON face!
When with a group of friends and looking to start a food fight (or simply want an excuse to throw food at someone you don't like), play this "game."
Hold up the core of an apple and call out "Apple core!"
Have someone respond "Baltimore"
Say "Who's your friend??"
From there, throw--with great force!--your apple core at whichever "friend" is named.
Taking Off Someone's Pants Without Their Permission
Sneak up behind your victim
Grab a hold of their pants' waistband
Pull down. QUICKLY!
Tip: This works best when your victim is not wearing a belt.
Can be done by yourself or with a group.
Locate the waistband of your victim's underwear and grab onto it.
Pull upward, wedging their underwear painfully between their butt-cheeks.
"Mugging" is Such an Ugly Word...
Bullying takes a lot of effort.
You'll need to be compensated.
Demand your victim give you their lunch money. (You can make $1 to $5 daily!)
At first, you may have to take the lunch money by force--you may even need to enlist the help of your friends--but eventually your victim will wise up and hand over the cash without fuss. At this point, the beatings you dish out will be optional.
There are many ways to trip and push your victim--from simply extending your food at they walk by to tying their shoelaces together. The classic "Flat Tire" maneuver goes like this:
Walk closely behind your victim.
When the time is right, step on their heel. (The back of their shoe).
Make sure you keep your foot firmly in place. This will cause your victim to trip (and maybe even fall!). This will also let your victim know that your actions were on purpose and this was not a "flat tire" that one gets when accidentally walking too closely behind someone else.
Taunts and Teases -- An Important Part of Bullying! (Part One)
Here are a few standards to get you started...
*You're a wit........................a HALF wit!
*You're special...................special ED!
*Every time it rains I think of you.....................drip, drip, drip.
*Teacher's Pet! Teacher's Pet! Never missed a lesson yet
Taunts and Teases -- An Important Part of Bullying! (Part Two)
Roses are red
Violets are Blue
And so do you!
Wash your feet
The Board of Health's
Across the street!
Don't get wise, Bubble Eyes
Or I'll cut you down to peanut size!
!!!These are just to get you started! Think up your own Taunts & Teases
!!!Don't forget name calling!
Just Don't Be There If... - ...Your Victim Decides to Fight Back!
Sometimes bullying can go horribly, horribly wrong...
The Most Important Thing
If you or someone you know is being tormented by a bully...
TELL A PARENT
TELL A TEACHER
TELL A FRIEND
CALL A HOTLINE
Get help! Don't flip out.
Roald Dahl Books - Buy Some on Amazon Today!
If you liked this Lens, then you may also enjoy the works of Roald Dahl. His books for children often touch upon (or center around!) the subject of bullying. The plights of the characters are easy to relate to, but the way the stories are written are over-the-top enough that you can easily laugh at what's happening.
As someone who was sometimes picked on myself as a kid, I'd like to say that these books really helped me. Hopefully they'll help others too!
I think if The Twits were real people and were around today, they'd probably be Internet Trolls. The Twits are bullies; and they get what's coming to them in a most unusual way...
A personal favourite of mine!
I'm sure many victims of bullying wish that they had a "Magic Finger" to make everything all better.
The short story "The Swan" is entirely centered around bullying. Two boys (Ernie and Raymond) get their kicks by bullying/torturing another boy (Peter). The story can be a little hard to get through sometimes (depending on how emotional you're feeling at the time), but it's definitely worth the read.
The title story (Henry Sugar) has nothing to do with bullying, but I absolutely love it. HIGHLY recommended! Seriously.
Matilda is bullied by everyone!! Fortunately, she develops psychokinetic powers!
Depression: A Common Side-Effect to Being Bullied - Some Good Books on Amazon
Dealing with Depression can be tough. Everyone says "Go to the doctor" or "Go see a therapist," but not all of us can AFFORD to do that...
Until we're all rich enough to get the help we need from doctors and therapy, at least we have self-help books!
Dummies books are fantastic. I love them. I have so many of them, it's almost embarrassing. Basically, if you see a Dummies book on a topic that interests you: Get it. It'll be good.
If you're being bullied and feeling depressed, lonely, or suicidal, please call:
Note: if you've hurt yourself or are thinking of attempting suicide for "realz," then please skip the hotline and call 9-1-1!
Credits & Thanks
References/Research for this book:
*THE HODGEPODGE BOOK by Duncan Emrich
*A Group of Little Kids I Polled (No, for real...)
Special Thanks To:
Ramiro Roman, Jr -- For all his help/support
All artwork and writing was done by me, Lauren R. Tharp. Copyright 2007 (hard copy) and 2011 (online)