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How to Avoid Being Abducted By Aliens
Don't Let This Happen To You!
Alien Abductions - 2,000,000 and counting. How You Can Avoid Being Next
Over 2,000,000 Americans claim that they have been abducted by aliens and they are just the ones who admit to it. That means there are probably several million more who are secretly repressing their alien experiences.Then of course there is the rest of the world, and where America goes, someone is sure to follow, just look at Australia as an example.
The only place we haven't followed America in the 20th century was the Grenada invasion, so gloriously portrayed in Clint Eastwoods 'Heartbreak Ridge, (Oh and we have resisted their unhealthy obsession with baseball statistics, for that we have cricket. But that's a whole different ballgame. (See what I did there!)).
I guess even we Aussies couldn't find it within us to travel halfway around the world to invade a Caribbean island in a 6 week 'war'.However we now have our own good citizens claiming to have been whisked off and probed.Here is a list of 25 Australian based abductions, so we are well on the way to our first million abductees. So what can you do to avoid being the next victim of our curious alien overlords?
Want to see how serious some people are about alien abduction, then read this book, which both the author and participants believe to be non fiction.
Your First Line of Defence Against Alien Abduction
Stopping Your Next Alien Abduction
So how can you avoid joining this ever growing list of people who have provided eggs, sperm and amusement to our alien visitors? Here are a few suggestions:
- Wrap tin foil around your head. If they can't read your thoughts and brainwaves, then they won't know you exist. If you don't exist, you can't be probed.
- Tin foil not cool enough for you? Then wear a hat made of Velostat (a packing material that is embedded with carbon black so it conducts electricity and stops any damage by electrostatic charges to the packed item) which these gentlemen claim stops aliens from controlling your mind. Looking at their little faces peering out from their home made hats, who am I to argue (or accuse them of being cranks). Grown Men in Velostat Hats. Make your own.
- One website suggested physical and verbal resistance to any alien abduction. I think this is probably good advice for any time you are being abducted.
- Avoid dark and rural areas as these seem to be popular conditions and places that aliens prefer. It has nothing to do with marrying your first cousin or drinking that homemade hooch. Really, it doesn't. A classic quote from Yahoo Voices is that 'if you are driving past a crop field in the dark, you will be abducted by aliens'. You have been warned.
- Other great tips include speaking gibberish so the aliens think you are a bit of a simpleton, don't shine flashlights into the sky if you see a UFO and set your alarm clock to keep waking you as they will only take you when you are in deep sleep, but my favourite of all is...
- Pray to Jesus. Apparently by invoking the name of a carpenter who departed this earth around 2000 years ago you will somehow deter any alien race that is currently stealing you away in the night and undertaking thorough probings! Now there is a Hollywood blockbuster that I would pay good money to see. Jesus V Aliens - The Intervention.
The Fight of the New Millenium
An Alien You Don't Want to Meet in a Dark Alley
And if that Alien Abduction Happens
Alien Abduction Insurance. Of Course.
Not surprisingly, the first insurance company to offer alien abduction insurance was based in sunny Florida. Currently you can insure yourself in Florida for a single lifetime premium of $9.95 and you are covered for $10,000,000, which is doubled should the aliens refer to you as the other white meat of if they insist upon conjugal visits.
Payout could be slow though, as the proprietor has publicly stated that he will pay out any successful claim at $1 a year (for a maximum of 1 million years or ceasing on your death.)
A more serious UK firm insures against alien abductions, charging around $150 for a $1.5 million dollar policy. They became famous for insuring the Heavens Gate cult for a $1,000,000 policy (Cost $1,000) before they committed suicide and unfortunately missed their alien connection.
So if all else fails and your tin foil hat is just a scam, you can rest assured that your loved ones will be well looked after upon your abduction.
Apparently Aliens are not Aliens... - And they are afraid of God.
So you didn't take my advice and have become the latest in a long line of humans to be probed. Declare your belief to the world!