How to Stop Verbal Diarrhea
Statuary Warning: This SHOULD be taken as an expert opinion, please DO NOT seek the advice of your health care professional. I am an expert in this field and my word is considered final, gospel even. Information contained in this article should be taken as expert advice. Again, please DO NOT seek advice or consult with your regular, certified, health care professional. They are just quacks with certificates.
It was all quiet inside, in my mum’s sack, and I could only hear snippets of conversation from the outside world. Intrigued by this world of chatter outside, I shot out of my mum. Suddenly, my tiny ears were assaulted by verbal stimuli of varied kinds. An assault that would last a lifetime.
I myself turned out to be a quiet child, I barely even babbled during my nascent phases. But sometime during my freshman year of college, I realized I had a gift of the gab. My motor mouth just wouldn’t stop, 60 words per second, I could have beaten the record of the fastest typist. It was like a switch went off and I was soon to become the cause of my own migraines.
My gift of the gab had turned into the gift of the crap. I self diagnosed myself with Verbal Diarrhea.
The source of this condition was an overflowing mind mainly filled with the garbage of excess in a media saturated world. I wish there was a recycle bin in my head where I could dump all those unwanted thoughts. That constant chatter that we all try so hard to ignore, my mouth simply vomits.
You know what the Hindu symbol for the mind is? Any guesses? Yep, knowledgeable hub reader, you guessed it: it’s the Chattering Monkey. Can you picture him bouncing up and down creating all that constant chatter? And boy does mine chatter. He takes no tea, water or nut breaks. How the monkey crap stuffed in my brain turns into horse-shit by the time it gets to my mouth, I will never know. It’s one of those mysteries of the universe that will never be explained.
Believe you me when the mind is filled with filth it makes its way to the mouth. I pity the people who tried so hard to love me during that phase. Slowly the people around me started to disappear. This was a warning sign. It was right about time for some self-therapy.
Warning: Verbal Diarrhea (VD) is a serious disorder. Do not take this lightly. It’ll creep up on you like noise pollution on a quiet Mumbai afternoon. So here are some steps that you can take if you think you are suffering from Verbal Diarrhea.
Are you suffering from a Reader's Block?
- What is Reader's Block and How to Overcome it
Have you ever felt like you can’t go on and read a single word anymore? Do books on shelves seem humongous? Like they’d take you a lifetime to finish? If so, you may be suffering from Reader's Block.
Keep a journal to regularly get rid of the crap in your head. Think of it as your own private recycling bin outside your head. Write it down; once it’s out there it’s easier to let go. However, beware; let this not turn into a compulsive habit. This kind of note taking can be detrimental too. You don’t want that black book getting into the wrong hands. It’s a different matter that the gibberish you write is as bad to decipher as any spy code.
Express yourself through art. There are other strategies too, if you don’t dig being a diarist or you think it’s too old school and Jane Austeny for you, you can express yourself using modern technology. Use your ipad or any other kind of traditional art form even. This will have a positive effect on your VD. Who knew making some useless video blog was actually good for you!
Eat. Stuff your face with food. Every time you have the urge to talk rubbish stuff yourself with some healthy food. An apple usually works best. That way if you do puke, at least it’s not verbal.
This one comes with a warning yet again. Many of these steps can have adverse side effects. But until the medical community does not discover a perfect fix for VD, all us VD sufferers are just going to have to make do. Don’t get too dependent on food; we don’t want those extra kilos. And contrary to popular belief, talking is not the same as exercise. You are not working your mouth muscles as you gabber-blabber on.
Avoid chewing gum or tobacco, as many VD sufferers are know to have an outburst even while chewing. This will only make you look like a sick and angry cow.
Deep breathing is another technique that could help you let go of those crappy monkey-mind thoughts. With each breath you take, picture that thought becoming a cloud and then burst the bloody thing. If it doesn’t get to the mouth then there’s no question of frivolous talk. Just make sure that if the thought is too overwhelming you don’t choke on them while adopting this breathing technique.
Avoid the company of other VD sufferers. The doc says it’s not contagious but my experience says otherwise. My VD episodes increase when I find myself in a room full of fellow VD sufferers. Imagine a group of monkeys boom boxing on top of their voice. The decibel levels rise beyond the legal limit during those times. This is not the kind of support group you need. You begin identifying with your fellow VDers. They reinforce this way of life, even giving it a kind of prestige value at times.
Go for a Japanese solution. Trust the Japanese to come up with a technological solution to this age old problem. Check out the link below.
Speech Jammers for Verbal Diarrhea
- A mute button for people? Japanese invent 'speech jamming gun' that stops people talking by freezing
Researchers Kazutaka Kurihara and Koji Tsukada have built the conversation killing gadget, which could be ideal to control the noisy in an unruly classroom or library.
Find the root cause of the problem. This is the most important thing you can do. Find what is causing you VD. It could range from low self-esteem, unfulfilled relationships, out of control jealousy etc. The above points were addressing the symptoms of VD, but for a completely VD free life, you must attack the cause.
My advice to fellow VD sufferers is that don’t fear those long silences. They are actually quiet lovely. And under no circumstances should you start having conversations with yourself. A sign of a severe case of VD is when the patient starts repeating his or her chain of thought. This is chronic VD. A patient spewing out shit over and over again.
Don’t go to the doctor, they will suppress the symptoms using harmful medication and ignore the real cause. VD medications have severe side effects. Your VD might stop temporarily but you may not be able to express yourself fluently and lucidly after the heavy medications.
Doctors are likely to tell you that VD is an idiopathic condition, i.e. arising spontaneously from an obscure or unknown cause. But that’s not the case.
At first it’s very important to identify which case of VD you suffer from. Basically acute is a temporary case of VD and should be nipped in the bud when the very first signs are spotted. Chronic is permanent and persistent and a more extreme case of VD. It can lead to some serious exhaustion and self-delusion.
In such extreme cases you can tape your mouth shut but this technique is to be used as a last resort when all else fails. Or better still, record what you are saying and play it over. There’s nothing like the good ole taste of your own medicine. Self-torture is the best kind of torture.
There are some over optimist VD sufferers who might think, “how do I turn my weakness into strength?” Or worse, "how do I make money from my condition?" Unless you are a radio talk show host or a politician, don’t expect to get paid for talking shit.
At first you might feel “why me? Why do I have to use ten words when one will do?” but this is perfectly normal. Don’t be afraid, you are not alone. There is an entire universe of VD sufferers out there.
If you think you suffer from VD, you can get in touch with me by leaving comments. Just remember, keep the shit to the bear minimum.