Humor at its finest - comedy is funny!
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Prepare to laugh!
I did such a stupid thing yesterday. I sold my car for gas money.
Brian Regan on peanut butter and jelly: In a store I saw that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar stuff. What's the point to that? I'm lazy but I want to meet the guy who needs that. "I could go for a sandwich, but I'm not gonna open two jars."
Comedian George Wallace on Church: I went to a church in Chicago. Church had six Commandments and four do-the-best-you-cans.
Taken from actual letters received by welfare departments on applications for support: "In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope."
Brian Regan on Pop Tarts: I'm lookin' at the Pop-Tarts box and I notice they have directions on there. I give up on this species. They have toaster directions, which, I'm not makin' this up, the toaster directions are longer than one step. I don't know how that's possible that the directions are longer than one. You think it would be, "Step one: Toast the Pop-Tarts. Go ahead, toast 'em. It's okay. Hey, are you still readin' this?"
Rodney Dangerfield: I was scared to death the first time I had sex. I was all alone at the time!
Dave Barry on dogs: You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!
Zach Galifianakis: You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.
Jim Gaffigan: I'm from a very large family -- nine parents.
From the comedian John Pinette: One time I went to Bed Bath & Beyond and I didn't have a coupon. People talked about me in line. 'He doesn't have a coupon. Is he all right? You don't think he's dangerous, do you?' One lady felt sorry for me. 'You don't have a coupon? Do you know how to get home? Is your name in your jacket?'
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the f*****g ship?"
Enjoy the funniest lines from the classic show "Hollywood Squares".
Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
You have the right to remain stupid: When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. - Lily Tomlin
Robin Williams on Male Anatomy: The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Steven Wright Sayings: I saw this guy hitchhiking with a sign that said "Heaven." So I hit him.
When I turned two I was really anxious because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, "If this keeps up, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety."
Jim Gaffigan: Parents get burned out in big families. You can even see it in the naming of children. It's always, like, the first kid: 'You were named after Grandma'; the seventh kid: 'You were named after a sandwich I had. I loved that. Now, get your brother Reuben.'
Brian Regan on cranberries: I don't know what the hell is going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job .... he's showing up everywhere. "Hey, you got some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We'll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What you got grapes? How about cran-grape! What you got mangos? Cran-mango! What you got pork chops? Cran-chops!" Why don't you back off, cranberry man. Why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation?
One of my favorites from the late, great Henny Youngman: A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
From the late, great Mitch Hedberg: I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
I saw a commercial on late night TV. It said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.
This is one of my favorite Irish jokes:
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman
Rodney Dangerfield: Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
Ben Bailey: The thing I hate the most about the subway is every time I get off the train and I'm trying to get out of the station and back up to the street, I end up getting stuck behind these really slow people on the stairs. It happens to me every time I take the subway. It's been happening to me for years. And my question is this: how the hell do they keep beating me to the stairway?
From the late great Rodney Dangerfield: My wife is such a (loose woman). She wanted to have sex in the back seat of the car, and she wanted ME to drive!
From the late great George Carlin: Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. By then you're a mile away, you've got his shoes, and you can do whatever the hell you want. - unknown
"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." - Nick
Other Steven Wright's Sayings:
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
Groucho's Cigar Joke Urban Myth - Or Fact?
One urban myth that won't die concerns what Groucho Marx said to a woman who had 22 children.
Groucho asked her, 'Why so many children?'
'Well, I just love my husband.' the woman replied.
Groucho's riposte allegedly was: 'I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.'
Despite the story resurfacing at regular intervals, no soundtrack or recording exists of this Groucho Marx quote. Indeed, later Groucho denied ever saying it.
Grouch was hilarious, and he did say the following:
Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.
I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas and how he got in my pyjamas I'll never know.
Woman: This is a gala day for you.
Groucho: Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't know if I could handle any more.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Extremely funny Ben Bailey (the Cash Cab Guy) video of his stand-up.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Now with zero calories!
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband. “What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”
I ate in a restaurant the other night that was so bad, I saw a roach drinkin’ Alka-Seltzer.
Jim Gaffigan: Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.’
THE TALKING DOG
Broder walks into a bar with a dog on a leash. “Bartender,” he says, “I’ll have a scotch on the rocks, and a whiskey sour for my dog.”
“I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t allow dogs in here.”
“Just a minute,” the dog says. “I’m not used to being treated this way. Maybe you’ve never seen a talking dog.”
“Don’t give me no talking dog, mister,” the bartender tells Broder. “You’re not the first ventriloquist we’ve had in here.”
“Wait, you’ve got it all wrong,” says Broder. “I’ll go across the street to get a newspaper, and I’ll leave the dog here. Then you’ll see.”
While Broder is gone, the dog says, “Hey, pal, what happened to my whiskey sour?”
The bartender is astonished. “Sure, right away. It’s on the house. I can’t believe this. Say, would you do me a favor? Here’s ten bucks. My wife works in the restaurant next door. Would you mind going in and ordering a coffee to go? This will make her day, and you can keep the change.”
“Fine,” says the dog, who takes the money and leaves. A moment later, Broder returns to the bar. “Hey, where’s Oliver?”
“He can talk,” says the bartender. “I gave him ten bucks to surprise my wife. Here, I’ll go with you.”
As they leave the bar, they see Oliver in an alley, having his way with an attractive French poodle.
“Oliver, I can’t believe it,” says Broder. “You’ve never done this before.”
“Hey,” says the dog, “I’ve never had money before.”
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"