TK421 Imperial Ezine - Issue 1
Welcome to the first issue of TK421. The monthly Star Wars ezine with an Imperial flavor.Surely you know who TK421 is don't you?TK421 is immortalized in "Star Wars: Episode IV- A New Hope" as the fearless stormie who got whacked by Han and Luke. He was standing guard outside the supposedly 'empty' freighter."GANTRY OFFICER: TK-four-two-one. Why aren't you at your post? TK-four-two-one, do you copy?Why wasn't he at his post? Because he followed imperial procedure that meant he had to give a hand to a couple of tech geeks who supposedly found their scanner too heavy.Thankfully TK421 survived. After a short stay in sick bay he was quickly shipped off the Death Star. He was also demoted.He shows up in a few more scenes throughout the trilogy. Which ones? When we figure that out we'll let you know.And was TK421's father in the prequel? We've got our money on Chancellor Valorum. If you've got a better choice then let us know.Now that we've had the introduction we'll move into what you might expect in any given issue of "TK421- The Ezine"
TEN WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE
1) Phone someone, and do your Darth Vader impression.
2) Convince the cop who just pulled you over that he doesn't need to see your identification.
3) Have a bad feeling about everything.
4) Claim you are fluent in over 6 million forms of communication, constantly, every time any language is mentioned, even if the comment is not directed to you.
5) Draw comparisons between Star Wars and real life.
6) Try to get your car up to .5 beyond lightspeed.
7) Do #6 in a parking lot.
8) Dress and act exactly like your favorite character.
9) Call your girlfriend "Your Highness".
10) Start to build a Star Destroyer. Build a mock-up out of popsicle sticks.
This is a bit of a Star Wars/Star Trek crossover. It's a delightful and tastefully wicked piece. Trekkies should 'move along'.
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and three Redshirts beam into the Cantina.
Spock: Fascinating. There seems to be aliens of a different type than we have ever encountered in our trek amongst the stars...
McCoy: Oh, man. Why don't you just say the damn title. Don't bother to disguise it. Star Trek! What? You afraid that someone's going to be offended?
Kirk: I...don't know what's...going on. But I...think that we should...be careful. Fan out.
Spock: (Pulling out tricorder) Intriguing. The aliens here seem to be real aliens, rather than a human being with a different nose, ear, or forehead. Doctor, what do you think?
McCoy: Dammit, you cold-blooded son of a Vulcan! I'm a doctor, not an anthropologist!
(One Redshirt slips on a spilled drink and breaks his neck.)
McCoy: He's dead, Jim.
Kirk: Alien bastards killed my man! Alien...bastards...killed my man! Alien bastards...
McCoy: Jim, he tripped over his own feet. You can't blame yourself.
Kirk: Don't tell me what I can... and cannot... do. I am... Captain... James... T... Kirk!
Many of the Cantina aliens start moving towards their weapons. A Redshirt notices.
Soon to be killed Redshirt: Captain! There's something... (collapses, dead.)
McCoy: He's dead, Jim.
Kirk: Can't you say anything else?
McCoy: Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a linguist!
Spock: Captain. The officer appeared to die for no reason. It is almost as if he was merely here for entertainment purposes only.
Stormtrooper enters Cantina, and hits his head. Three Newbies with computers put down the papers that they are reading (Title of said papers "FAQ") and begin typing on their terminals.
Newbies: (In stereo) That Stormtrooper just hit his head! Man, I bet that I'm the first one to ever see that happening. I'll just post it to the newsgroup and show them how smart I am....
Stormtrooper begins firing at the Enterprise trio. Seven Cantina aliens die before they realize that they are not the ones being shot at and understand to get out of the way.
Bartender: No blasters! No blasters!
Redshirt: Now, because you're using a blaster, and I am an officer of the Starship Enterprise, your weapon cannot harm me. I, however, am holding a phaser, and will now kill you. Of course, that could be totally wrong, but, what the hell, we can argue about that or whether the Enterprise could beat whatever ship you got here, but I'll just kill you first.
Fires phaser, which the Stormtrooper dodges. However, emerging from the resulting hole is an Ewok.
Stormtrooper: EWOKS! Noooooooo! (Ewok throws rock at Stormtrooper, who dies from the blow which has hit him in the shoulder.)
Redshirt: I'll get him, sir! (Fires phaser again, killing the Ewok. Cantina erupts in cheers. Redshirt walks over to the bartender.)
Kirk: I... don't believe it! He... just said more than... all other extras... that we've ever had.
Spock: (To himself) You should promote him right now, sir, because if history holds, then he'll be dead in thirteen point six seconds.
Redshirt: I'll have one of those... (Drinks up then chokes to death.)
Kirk: Bones... you've got to...help him!
McCoy: Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a..! Oh. Too late.
Aliens approach to congratulate the Enterprise trio on the death of the Ewok.
Kirk: (Diplomatically) I come in peace. I... am... Captain Kirk... of the Federation Starship... Enterprise.
Aliens continue approaching, unaware of what Kirk is saying.
Spock: I fear that without the Universal Translator, we will never know what their intentions are. However, if I rewire this blender using a a quadra-infused laser pen, and hook it up to the power conduits and transfer the circuitry through the Hisenberg Compensator and this potato chip that I found on the ground, there. Here's a working Translater, Captain. And if you push this button, it will be able to save our asses in this episode no matter what happens.
McGuyver: (being chased by a number of Middle Eastern terrorists comes running through the Cantina) I can end terrorism in the Middle East and bring world peace to earth. All I need now is some starch and grease with some salt. If only there was a potato chip nearby...
(McGuyver is then killed while looking at Spock's potato chip.)
(Kirk using the Universal Translator, enjoys the adulation. Unbeknownst to Kirk and the gang, Selma and Patty have dragged Homer with them to pay respects to their dearly departed McGuyver.)
Homer (looking at Spock's device): Ummmmmmm. Potato chip. (Drools)
(As Kirk begins the elaborate alien "we come in peace" greeting, Homer eats the potato chip and leaves with Patty and Selma. Without the translator, Kirk messes up and the translation of the message he actually sends is "Star Trek is much better than you slobs could ever be." This greatly angers all the aliens in the cantina, who pull out all of their weapons and prepare to slay the Enterprise trio.)
Kirk: Kirk to Enterprise. I...may have...upset the...alien beings on...this...planet. Beam us up Scotty.
Scotty: I canna beam ye up, sar. I dinna ha the POWER!
Kirk: I...can't believe that I'm going to die.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
(Kirk and co. are killed in a barrage of blaster fire.)
Scotty (Over the communicator now lying useless on the floor): Sorry, sar, I misread the script. I can beam ye up, now. Sar? Do ye no understand what I'm trying to tell ye? Sar?
(The communicator goes up in smoke.)
Alien: (to bartender) Sorry about using blasters.
Bartender: (Interrupting the apologetic alien) For them, I'll make an exception.....
TEN STAR WARS THINGS TO SAY WHEN YOUR PARENTS MAKE A SURPRISE VISIT TO YOUR HOUSE/DORM
10. "Exciting is hardly the word I would use."
9. "Unexpected this is, and unfortunate."
8. Gesture around the room and say to your roommates, "If they don't go for this, we're gonna have to get outta here pretty quick."
7. Say to them as they come through the door, "You've got a lot of guts coming here after what you pulled."
6. Parents: "Hi, we just stopped by to see if you would join us for lunch." Reply with: "I'll never join you!" Distort your face and throw yourself down the nearest shaft.
5. Ask them for money. If they question why they should give you $(fill-in-amount), have a friend yell, "Because he's holding a thermal detonator!" (everyone dive for cover)
4. If they ask why the place is such a mess, reply with, "Your eyes can deceive you - don't trust them. I've let go of my conscious self and acted on instinct."
3. "I've got a bad feeling about this."
2. "Lock the doors, and hope they don't have blasters!"
1. If they ask how school is going, say "When I left you, I was but the learner, now I am the master."
Our first Website Review will be rather short and sweet. Or is that sweeet?
Check out www.piett.org
This site is dedicated to Admiral Piett, the brilliant tactician and military leader who rose to prominence in The Empire Strikes Back.
He succeeded Admiral Ozzel. A man as stupid as his name.
Captain Piett brought to Ozzy's attention (that's what they called him behind his back) a report of a fragment of a transmission from a probe droid in the Hoth system.
It was the best lead they had. Actually the only lead they had. Thousands of probe droids were dispatched to search the galaxy for signs of Rebels.
Ozzy made his final and fatal mistake by bringing the fleet out of hyperspace too close to the system. While Ozzel was choking by the will of Vader, Piett got his promotion to Admiral.
www.piett.org fills you in on the character. Links to other Piett Appreciation sites. It also has Piett rendered South Park style. Sweeet.
It's well worth a visit. And I wouldn't be surprised at all if Stormtrooper TK421 is in some way related to Admiral Piett. Probably his nephew.
'TK421- The Ezine' is looking for a Promotions Officer.
Someone who can liaison with established popular Star Wars fan sites to get coverage, mentions, plugs and placement in links for 'TK421- the ezine' (and vice versa). The successful applicant might also be responsible for the website reviews.
Over And Out
What's in store for next months edition?
That depends on what we can find, write or have submitted by willing, capable readers.
As for the TK421 Team we have a motto: "We shall double our efforts". So next issue should be twice as good.
Yours In The Emperor's Service
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[this place kept vacant for 'promotions officer']
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