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TK421 Imperial Ezine - Issue 10
|-o-| HUMOR|-o-| WEBSITE UPDATE|-o-| HUMOR|-o-| READERS COMMENT|-o-| MORE HUMOR|-o-| INTERROGATION|-o-| EVEN MORE HUMOR|-o-| SPOTLIGHT|-o-| FACTSLOTS MORE HUMOR|-o-| OVER AND OUT|-o-| THE COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER FINE PRINT
CAUTION: CONTAINS SCENES WITH LANGUAGE AND VIOLENCE. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT: MOVE ALONG, MOVE ALONG
THINGS WE WERE DISAPPOINTED NOT TO HEAR SAMUEL L JACKSON SAY IN EPISODE I
1. Hand me my lightsaber. It's the one that says "Bad Motherfucker."
2.Yeah, Chewie got a hair problem, but what the brother gonna do? He's a Wookiee.
3.You're sending the FETT? Shee-it Jabba, that's all you had to say!
4. Does Jabba look like a bitch?
5. If Obi-Wan ain't home, I don't know what we're gonna do cause I ain't got no other connections on Tatooine.
6. A Jedi's lightsaber...when you absolutely, positively gotta kill every motha fucker in the room...accept no substitute.
7. Hey, Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie but I'd never know cause I'd never eat the filthy motherfucker.
8. I don't want to hear about no mother-fucking ifs. All I want to hear from your ass is "You ain't got no problems Mace, get back in there, carbon-freeze them motherfuckers and wait for Rogue squadron which should be coming directly."
9. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, these aren't the motherfucking droids you're looking for!
IMPERIAL PARKHalf the decent Star Wars fan sites out there have themselves a bit of a fun gimmick and I suppose we've got our own too. TK421! The illustrious stormtrooper of A New Hope fame!But here at TK421 we like to push the ridiculous over into the unchartered territory of the ludicrous and our upcoming website will feature some Star Wars meets South Park style renderings. In the tradition of Star Park (www.jedinet.com/starpark) we've got a trained Imperial Illustrator or two to provide us with our own set of characters. And we're calling the collective IMPERIAL PARK!Picture this, a South Park style Stormtrooper, Imperial Officer and Imperial Guard (you can see the stormtrooper and imperial officer in our animated banner gif at http://www.geocities.com/imperialemployee). Now we want YOU to give us some hilarious scenarios for our Imperial Park cast. Suitable punchlines and situations to put them in. They'll be made into strips and if your suggestion warrants a heart felt chuckle then you'll be credited. Send your suggestions to darkside(a)cia-agent.com
TOP TEN JEDI PICKUP LINES
Hey, these never miss. 10. "Excitement? Adventure? A Jedi craves not those things... he already has 'em... an (wink) gives 'em." 9. "Are you an angel?" 8. "Wanna come see my saber? It's practically a part of me." 7. "Don't I know you? Oh, 'course I do... We got hot scenes in the later episodes." 6. "Didn't we go to Jedi Academy together?" (Y'see, there's only one Jedi Academy, so...) 5. "Does that crown make you horny?" 4. "You will... come... with me. It is your destiny." 3. "Hey, 'hot sister,' wanna create a disturbance in the Force?" 2. "I can make us the most perfect little romantic get-away place right by the sea where no one will ever find us.....(Well, except maybe Akanah or one of the other White Current chicks, that is....)"1. "A Jedi can feel the Force... throbbing within him." 'Course, maybe the reason they all work is, the Jedi keep wavin' their hands when they use 'em. Dishonorable Mention: Darth Maul's pickup song-and-dance:"I'm! too sexy for my paint! too sexy for my paint! too sexy for my dark taint!..." Mighta worked, but he had a way of accidentally knockin' the chicks out before he got finished. ©2000 Tim Mitts.
THE VIDEOLOGIST SPEAKSCan you imagine if Haley Joel Osment played the part of Anakin Skywalker?MAN, that'd be awesome.The part of Anakin would have had depth.With Jake Lloyd the character could and should have been named Mannequin Skywalker. That's how wooden the kids acting was.©2000 Jorge Lukas
TOP TEN REJECTED SPECIAL EDITION SCENES
10. C-3PO discovering that the Jawa he just dropped into the fire wasn't quite dead.
9. Uncle Owen backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about power converters
8. The startled Ronto taking a giant crap on the Mos Eisley street.
7. Han backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about10,000 credits
6. Porkins with his shirt off eating fried cheese
5. Obi-Wan backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about going to Alderaan
4. The C-3P0/R2-D2 car chase scene from the Palace Hotel and Ballroom to the Honorable Mayor Richard J. Daley Plaza
3. Darth Vader backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about being his son
2. Boba Fett actually doing something
1. R2-D2 backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about his secret mission for the Alliance
©1997 Wizard Magazine. May 1997 Issue
ASK AN IMP
"How did TK-421 survive the destruction of the first Death Star?"
He took Grand Moff Tarkin's "unused" shuttle after the big guy said, "Evacuate? In our moment of triumph?" -- some report having heard TK yell, "I got dibbs!" (This secret information was obtained from a secret source. It was worth the price we paid, too)
From the TK421 fan appreciation site
Even More Humor
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE
1. In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".
2. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookiee.
3. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
4. One word: Lightsabers.
5. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
6. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
7. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
8. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
9. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I".
10. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it.
When It's "Just a Movie" After All: Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace ... One Year Later by Constance CochranIt's one year since TPM came out in theaters. There was hype and crashed moviefone lines and the thrill of seeing the words "Episode I" come up in the open crawl for the first time. Big movie screens with surround, digital sound.But when that's all over, when Star Wars Episode I comes to video, what then? Watching a film on videocassette is the acid test of a movie. There are stereo televisions and big screen televisions and home theaters, of course. But Episode I arrives WBDVD -- without benefit of DVD. The picture is as sharp as videotape can manage, no more, no less.Lucasfilm chose to market the letterbox, wide-screen format in a gift box with a film strip, booklet, and behind the scenes footage. At $29.95 at Tower Records I decided to pass. Last summer I invested quite enough hard earned cash into the film, between the soundtrack and return visits to the movie theaters. For $16.95 I could have the pan-and-scan. Being a purist, I've started buying a lot of my tapes in widescreen, but I'm used to the widescreen being either the same price or one or two dollars more.There are two TVs in my house. One is a 21" stereo TV with a stereo VCR. The other is a little 13" with a mono VCR. I watched my pan-and-scan version on the little TV. The test doesn't get acider than that.Two hours and fifteen minutes later, on a cold Sunday during a freak snowstorm (I was still sunburned from my day in the park the day before) I formed my conclusion.The secret, the truth no one seems to want to hear, is this: The movie's good.It's a flawed movie. But as any English professor will tell you, Shakespeare had his flawed plays, his racial stereotypes. The flaws of Episode I are isolated and while not trivial by any means,aren't enough to destroy what is so very good here.The problems lie in four areas: the existence of Jar Jar Binks, some unfortunate racial stereotyping and accents, the over-acting of Jake Lloyd, and the fact that we don't get to witness the suffering and dying of the Naboo people.I can make good arguments to excuse the last two issues. Although Jake is no Haley Joel Osment, my trust remains with the creator, George Lucas, who had his reasons for choosing Jake, reasons which seem apparent on screen. He has a charisma, innocence, and empathy that is right for the child Anakin. Critics and fans griped that he had no darkness. That's the point. How did such a gee-whiz golden child turn into the heavy-breathing heavy Darth Vader? It's the kind of stuff great epics are made of. (For more on Anakin, see my original diary.) As for the white-washing of Naboo's troubles, I think Lucas and his team may have feared making the first film too dark. This is the film that's supposed to be at the top of the slope that rolls down into despair and back up out again. It has to be light. Filmgoers have imagination -- the suffering is there, implicit, even if we don't see it. It may have been a mistake not to show it on screen, but this isn't an issue that detracts from the cathartic and visual pleasures of the film.As for accents, well, yeah. I know. But it's balanced by the multi-ethnic casting. Heck, this film had a female fighter pilot, something conspicuously absent in any of the other three films. Episode I manages to simultaneously be politically and not politically correct.Jar Jar. Well, Jar Jar still should die. But on occasion, he makes me smile. And I still say Gungans are better than Ewoks. Boss Nass balances Jar Jar. Watch the film, ignore Jar Jar.Now, the good stuff. Hm. Ewan McGreger, Liam Neeson. The incredible art direction – Coruscant and Naboo and the underwater Gungan city, beautiful tapestries of a time lost. The pod race, which is one of the most suspenseful and visually amazing sequences I've ever seen on film (and I've seen a lot of movies, I really have). Small, quiet moments like Padme comforting Anakin, or Anakin talking with Qui-Gon at Shmi's dinner table, Anakin and Shmi's good-bye scene. You have to be a very cynical, hardened viewer not even to be moved by John William's music score at that point, as the force theme swells in and Ani walks away to his destiny. The music is worth a thousand words. The final battle between Darth Maul, Qui-Gon, and Obi-Wan. Not just that the special effects rocked. It's that they were so pretty, the backgrounds, sets, costumes, colors so vibrant. It's eye candy, and perhaps much can be forgiven because of eye candy, a conclusion my friend Batya and I reached during a phone conversation earlier this week. We realized that being so visually oriented, maybe we were kinder to the film. But there have been eye candy films that didn't touch the emotions. This reached me on a visual and intellectual level. It's not just the eye candy that makes Episode I fly. Otherwise it would not have bewitched me on a 13" television screen almost equally as on a 40' movie screen. It's not the greatest film ever. It's not even the best Star Wars film. But it's a good film.The media reports that pre-release sales are "not stellar" for Star Wars on video.Where did all the fans go?Where are all the people who obsessively kept websites, downloaded trailers, and waited in line literally for weeks?Those who worship at the altar of Lucas are now disgruntled because they don't have a DVD release.Anticipation reached such a fever pitch last May that no force on earth, no film maker on earth, could have met expectations. This is Star Wars' strength and its weakness. It is more than just a movie, it's an insitution. People placed their hopes, vulnerable, before Episode I, and were disappointed. George Lucas stumbled. Whether or not he tripped and fell won't be clear until the next installment is released.You know what? I'm going to cut the guy some slack and just enjoy the ride. Usually I can be quite critical and it takes a lot to make me go "wow." It says something that I'm defending TPM so fiercely with a flaming lightsaber. There's something there.I'm awaiting Episode II a wiser fan, not quite so excited (but it's early yet), with low expectations but an open mind. There will be no count-down diary from me this time; never again will there be an Episode Prime.The Phantom Menace is part of something that is more than just a movie. But in itself, as "just a movie," it's flawed and, to this filmgoer, absolutely beautiful.No matter how I watch it. ©2000 Constance CochranConstance Cochran spends most of her time watching or reading, and then discussing, amazing things such as Star Wars. She resides and works in New York City. Her site -- where her diary can be found, along with a lot more of her musings -- is at http://start.at/dottxt.
Lots More Humor
THINGS I'VE LEARNT FROM THE EMPIRE
Anything that's worth saying is worth saying twice, "Move along, move along", "open the blast doors, open the blast doors."
Always duck your head when entering doorways.
Even though armor is supposed to protect it's a good idea not to test it's efficiency.
When technicians call for help with a heavy scanner it's a good idea to call for back up.
Color is the key to superiority; white, grey, red and then black.
While we have had defections to the rebels from our trooper and pilot ranks we can safely say that none of our fashion designers have lost the plot (Bright orange jumpsuits? What were those rebels thinking!).
When scouting out forests it's a good idea to wear camouflage rather than eye blinding white.
When shooting up a Jawa Sandcrawler make the blasts a little more random and a lot less accurate.
When shooting up Ewok tribes make the shots a little more accurate and a lot less ran random.
Have a team routinely patrol and check that the switch is ON on the tractor beam control at least every quarter of an hour.
When old desert hermits offer to sell a couple of droids it would be a good idea to buy them. They might come in handy for target practice.
Apparent malfunctioning life pod with no life form readings make excellent target practice.
©2000 DarkSide. email@example.com
SOMETHING FOR THE DIE HARD FANATICS...
The prime Imperial starfighter at the height of the Empire's power, TIE's (Twin-Ion Engine starfigthters) are designed to be fast, but they accomplish this through being fragile. Prior to its defeat, the Empire never gave a second thought to sacrificing scores of these ships to accomplish goals--there were thousands more just like them. The TIE/ln can be found stationed at Imperial outposts of all kinds throughout the Known Galaxy and is the most visible symbol of Imperial power.
Craft: Sienar Fleet Systems TIE
Type: Space superiority starfighter
Length: 6.3 meters
Cargo Capacity: 65 kilograms
Consumables: 2 days
Hyperdrive Multiplier: None
Hyperdrive Backup: None
Nav Computer: None
Atmosphere: 415 kmh
Weapons: Four Laser Cannons
Over And Out
Forward this latest issue of TK421 to you friends. You can even forward it to your enemies! Even if they are Rebel Scum. Get them to check out the temporary site at http://www.geocities.com/imperialemployee it will soon have details where to check out the fully armed and operational website which is looking good so far.
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In The Empires Service
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Copyright Disclaimer: Lucasfilm Ltd owns all rights and trademarks to Star Wars™. TK421 is a fan created ezine interested in only parody and news reporting. TK421 is not associated with or controlled by Lucasfilm Ltd or any of it's subsidiaries.
All contents ©2000 TK421 unless otherwise stated.