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TK421 Imperial Ezine - Issue 13

Updated on March 3, 2009



|-o-| HUMOR










Greetings loyal Imperial subject! Despite the continued oppression by the guerilla upsurgents known as the New Rebellion, we persevere to bring you all the information you need... welcome to another edition of TK-421!

Editorial Comment

Welcome to our 13th issue! In honor of it being our 13th issue, we have had a run of bad luck here at TK421. The promised interview with R.A. Salvatore has been delayed until next issue due to some technical difficulties. And we're publishing two days late due to some personal problems, so without futher ado, here ya go...


Everything I've Ever Needed To Know, I Learned From Star Wars

1. Never trust men in dark helmets.

2. It really isn't necessary to be fluent in over 6 million forms of communication.

3. Know the difference between power socket and a computer terminal.

4. Never declare that there is "nothing to stop you this time".

5. If your vehicle is being rammed, ducking doesn't help much

6. Get some travel information before heading off to a place that you have never even heard of.

7. When all else fails. . . . jump!

8. Sometimes, you've just gotta do something that seems totally suicidal.

9. If you are a young hero, nothing can kill you.

10. Always check the background of people you want to get intimately involved with, they may be your relatives.

11. You may have family members in surprisingly high positions.

12. Before you kill someone make sure they aren't your father.

13. Watch out for Corellian freighters diving out of the sun.

14. If you're ever in a space craft, watch out for potatoes.

15. THIS one goes here, THAT one goes there!

16. "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try. "

17. "Mind what you have learned, save you it can. "

18. No matter how tasty that hunk of meat looks on that pole on that

forest moon, don't grab it; it's probably a trap.

19. Cute, cuddly, widdle teddy bears usually will eat you alive unless they think you're a god.

20. When you're approaching your enemies hide out try to prepare your weapons before you come into range.

Author Unknown

Ramblings Of A Sith Lord

Welcome back, faithful minions...I was going to tell you some interesting things this week about the most over-rated bounty hunter in the galaxy, Boba Fett, but another Star Wars e-zine ('s okay, you can subscribe to it, we won't send any bounty hunters to your house...yet) did an all-Fett issue last week and I didn't have the heart to bash the poor guy so soon after being feted, so look for that column in the coming issues...instead we're going to talk about the use of lightsabers...

Watching the movies, you have to admit a lightsaber is more than a match for a blaster (sorry Han). Wielded by a jedi or a sith, it becomes both an offensive and a defensive weapon. One would almost have to admit that it wouldn't be fair for someone skilled in the use of a lightsaber to attack a lightsaber-less opponent. How fair a fight would it have been if Lord Vader had marched into the Ewok Village and just started shish-kabobing those furry monsters? Not fair at all (you have to admit it would have been fun to watch though). The Emperor (May the Sith bless his soul) even went as far as outlawing the use of lightsabers by anyone but a Sith Lord.

Unfortunately, when you outlaw lightsabers, only outlaws will have lightsabers and we see the sad result of this in the hands of one Luke Skywalker. Not once in the four films do we ever see a Sith Lord use a lightsaber against an un-sabered opponent. It just wouldn't be nice of us.

However, the Jedi have no qualms about using their lightsabers to slaughter poor little droids, imperial peacekeepers or even furry ice creatures who were just looking for jedisicles. Han Solo even gets in on the fun, slaughtering a tauntaun just to find out what it smells like on the inside. And despite all this, we Sith get a bad rep for being evil and despotic...

©2000 Michael Gendreau

Website Review

EwokKing Pick of the Week...Each issue, Steven Randolph will share his travels through cyberspace, steering us toward the good and plotting a hyperspace jump away from the bad...

This site is refreshing. It's not another news site. It's not another toy site. It's not another Boba Fett site. It is an Imperial site (and since the majority of the populace is Rebel Scum, it's fairly original). The webmaster has obviously put some time into the site; usually sites like this get started then never finished. The graphics are nothing special, but they are clean and load quickly. The whole site is written as Imperial Propaganda, complete with "State of the Empire" addresses. There are quite a few sections to the site, mostly just fan-boy factoids about various things Imperial. The fanfic and fanart sections need some filler. The part I liked most about the site was the "Technical Commentaries" section; nearly every Imperial craft is covered, in lots of detail. This is especially nice if you need quick reference material for fanfics. Like I usually do. So, be a loyal member of the New Order and stop by.

Rating: 6

An Ewok Favorite!: Because of the Tech Commentaries on this site, I put it in my favorites folder.

This page is pretty. Yes, the graphics are quite nice. The fellow who runs the site has put a bit of time into it. However, do not get it confused with an Imperial fan-site. No, think more along the lines of "TF.N with an Imperial slant," and you have this site. It has the same news you can get everywhere else. There is little original about this site, and I'm sure the news is just taken from Newsdroid, not original sources. Also, the chap who runs the place considers "Ewok" to be a derogatory term, so that's a strike against him. If you just have a penchant for checking out sites, give it a look, but don't expect to hear, see, or experience anything new.

Rating: 4 (lots of points taken off for originality)

This is a wallpaper/themes/icons/etc. site. And I must say it is one of the more well done ones I've visited (but when JediNet has a downloads section, there's just really no point in searching for this stuff). The wallpapers are all original and for the most part, well done. There are a few Transformers wallpapers, so this guy gets brownie points with this child of the 80's. Also, there are a few SW fonts here that I don't already have, so he get another point. Unfortunately, unless you are just *really* into destop themes, this site is only worth one visit; two tops. Desktop themes just really aren't my thing though.

Rating: 6

©2000 Steven Randolph

More Humor

More of Everything I've Ever Needed To Know, I Learned From Star Wars

21. Never stand on a trapdoor leading to a Rancor pit.

22. No disintegrations.

23. If you're running from the law, hide in a building and lock the door. They may decide to move on to the next one. Otherwise, hope they don't have blasters.

24. If it's, like, -50 degrees out, and the doors are going to close, come in out of the cold. The meteor will still be there tomorrow.

25. After you kill the monster in the ice cave, stay in there; it's cold out.

26. Take a good look around for bad guys before looking into your binoculars.

27. Don't assume a senior citizen is weak and frail; they may zap you with lightning bolts.

28. Never, never, never underestimate the power of the Dark Side.

29. You will find many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.

30. No matter how deeply one falls into darkness, there is always hope for redemption.

31. Just when you think there is no more hope, alas, there is one more.

32. Scoundrels kiss better than nice guys.

33. Never call someone "scruffy looking"

34. Be careful of your overconfidence, it may really be your weakness

35. Never judge a "piece of junk" spaceship from the outside. More often than not, "she's got it where it counts. "

36. Your eyes deceive you, don't trust them.

37. The Bad Guys can't hit the broad side of a barn.

38. But, "Only Imperial Storm Troopers are so precise"

39. Beware of judging someone else's beliefs as just a "hokey religion." You just may end up eating those words.

40. Never buy anything from a short, hooded, smelly guy.

Author Unknown

Fiction Review

Because we were hoping to have our interview with R.A. Salvatore, assistant editor Christine Jade reviewed his latest Star Wars book or us...



4 Lightsabers (out of 5)

The Force is with this book I almost didn't read Vector Prime. Almost. There were so many reviews bashing the book and the author that I was basing my opinion of the book on those bad reviews. Big mistake. I had a surplus of cash and since I can brag the fact that I own virtually every Star Wars book on the market, I decided to purchase Vector Prime to (I thought at the time) waste money. Then, once the book had collected a significant amount of dust I had some free time with nothing to read and picked up the book. By the time I finished I was kicking myself for not having read it sooner. Vector Prime is the first book in The New Jedi Order series, which is rumored to be a series of 25 books. Vector Prime explores aspects of the Star Wars universe which before now were left dormant. It is no longer Imperial vs. New Republic, because there is now peace between the two factions. Instead a much more dangerous enemy is threatening to tear the New Republic apart. This time the bad guys are from another galaxy with living weapons that can tear a planet apart with ease. Instead of focusing on Han, Leia and Luke plus the bad guys there are quite a few main characters. Luke no longer stays holed up in the Jedi Acadamy but is now attempting to gain the Council's approval for re-instating the Jedi Council. Leia has resigned from politics and Borsk Fey'lya is the new Cheif of State. Jaina, Jacen, and Anakin are all graduated from the Jedi Acadamy and are now training one on one, student-master as Luke did with Yoda. Jacen and Anakin are training under Luke and Jaina is training under "Aunt

Mara". Luke and Mara Jade are now a happily married couple, except for the fact that Mara has been infected with a strange new disease that is slowly killing her off. Perhaps the biggest change is the loss of a main character. For years main characters have been in their own protective "bubble" so we knew that they would always win, always make it out alive. Now we can't be so sure. . . Although Vector Prime is a bit (for lack of a better Jedi word) darker than other Star Wars books the plot moves along nicely, with new surprises at every turn. The characters change and grow with each new expeirence they have, making them more realistic to the reader.

Vector Prime is a good read for all Star Wars fans, and it reminds me that you can't judge a book by its cover.

©2000 Christine Jade

Imperial Memo

The TeeKees are here! Now is your chance to nominate your favorites for the 1st annual TeeKees! The categories are:

















Send your nominations to teekees(a) Deadline for nominations is August 5th 2000.

Editorial Comment

It's enough to make the emperor turn in his grave but TK421 the ezine with imperial leanings is working in close association with RebelPilot (a weekly ezine with Rebel sympathies).

The truth be told TK421 was inspired by RebelPilot. And the editor gave us plenty of tips and advice on how to create a popular and successful ezine (popular = fun, successful = growing subscriber numbers).

Glen, the illustrious editor of RebelPilot also provides us with a lot of the original ASCII Art that we've featured in this ezine. Not to mention the big plugs in his ezine and at his website.

So if you're looking for more Star Wars entertainment and information to add to your inbox then send a blank email to

We here at TK421 don't mind if you do subscribe to an ezine such as RebelPilot so long as you're only spying on the enemy and not defecting to them.

DarkSide out (-o-)

Even More Humor

More of Everything I've Ever Needed To Know, I Learned From Star Wars

41. Never judge anything by its size.

42. There are those who are less forgiving than Darth Vader.

43. Always let a Wookiee win.

44. Never cast your lightsaber away, you just might need it.

45. It not a good idea to follow up on a vision while meditating.

46. Nothing is ever too small to get away from you.

47. Whining about something never helps.

48. Taking your droids to a bar will only arouse suspicion.

49. As will cutting somebodies arm off.

50. Don't attempt to handcuff someone larger than you.

51. It is not always necessary to ignore the annoying

52. Always pay off your debts in a hurry

53. If your in it just for the money, you might blow your chances with the princess

54. It is pointless to argue with family members

55. In negotiations, a thermal detonator can come in handy

56. Be cautious of "friends" offering refreshments

57. If some yells out "It's a trap!" then believe them

58. DON'T go in any CAVES!

59. Watch your hands when swordfighting.

60. Short green guys with big ears can be more than they seem.

Author Unknown

Over And Out

Forward this latest issue of TK421 to your friends. You can even forward it to your enemies! Even if they are Rebel Scum. Get them to check out the temporary site at it will soon have details where to check out the fully armed and operational website which is looking good so far.

If you've got any suggestions for this zine (or the upcoming website) then contact any of the people listed below.

In The Empires Service

(-o-) Editor: Mike Gendreau ardilla(a)

(-o-) Associate Editor: Erin JediGrace(a)

(-o-) Associate Editor: ChrissyJade mg4e(a)

(-o-) Editor-In-Chief: DarkSide darkside(a)

<-o-> Contributor: Steven Randolph

<-o-> Contributor: RebelPilot

|-o-| Promotions Officer: SJ Crandall sherryjo(a)

|-o-| Promotions Officer: Nist neo(a)

|-o-| Web Master: craig craig(a)

|-o-| Web Designer: Rebel Rob rbud85(a)

JOIN US by emailing an empty message to

TO DEFECT (stop getting this ezine) send an empty message to

Copyright Disclaimer: Lucasfilm Ltd owns all rights and trademarks to Star Wars. TK421 is a fan created ezine interested in only parody and news reporting. TK421 is not associated with or controlled by Lucasfilm Ltd or any of it's subsidiaries.

All contents ©2000 Michael Gendreau unless otherwise stated.

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