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RebelPilot Issue 21

Updated on January 4, 2017


I'll bring this up now so as to quell any confusion in sending messages to my myriad of email addresses.

:>o<: if you have been forwarded this e-zine and wish to subscribe (it's free, and it's ad free, except for the stuff hotmail and egroups slap on the end of it) send a blank email to: (and send me a quick note saying who referred you.)

:>o<: if, heaven forbid, you wish to unsubscribe, send a blank email to: . this will work if you send it from the email address that RebelPilot is sent to. If you're using an email re-direction address you'll have to contact me so I can manually remove you. you don't need to give a reason, I respect the fact that you're concerned about your mental health and no longer wish to be infected by my twisted inane rantings.

:>o<: if you wish to contact me (eg: send humour, speculations, blink-and-you'll-miss-it moments, ascii art, yours or someone else's SW website address, and whatever else that is SW related) then correspond through (no longer in use).

:>o<: and lastly, don't send email to that's the address I use to send each issue out to all the subscribers on the list. the only thing that will happen if you send email to it is an automatic rejection message.

And while I'm at it I'll clear up some other points:

:>o<: if you're like me and copy and paste emails to wp documents so you can read it at your own leisure (off-line) then format the entire document to 10 point Courier New. It will allow you to see the ascii art in it's natural environment. It's also a good lesson for those wishing to delve in to the ancient art of ascii themselves, use the Courier New  or work in Notepad.

:>o<: I'm Australian so you'll notice I say humour (instead of humor) and rumour (instead of rumor) and there'll be other words where the words are a little different. It's not misspelling (I hate smelling pistakes) but if you don't like it- I mean if it really irritates you-  what I'm saying is, if it really REALLY pisses you off, there's the unsubscribe address listed above. Be sure to close the door on the way out.

:>o<: don't take offence (oops, there we go again, translation: offense) at that last paragraph. But if you did, you know where the unsubscr . . . .

Now that I've wasted a whole page on useless information that no one will take notice of I'll now get onto the important stuff...


Weird Al has come out with 'The Saga Continues'. Put up your hands if you like it?

[CAUTION: PERSONAL OPINION] I saw it's 'Australian Premiere' on the Mick Molloy Show. I can't say that I laughed. But I give him credit for doing the thing he does. But if you do want a good laugh I suggest going to and downloading the Star Park Special Edition Trailer. The site has the seal of approval. Which brings me to my next suggestion: . The filth mouthed foursome (South Parks Kyle, Cartman, Stan and Kenny) have been beautifully rendered in 3D. If this was just a South Park site I wouldn't be mentioning it here in RebelPilot. It's inclusion is warranted by 'parkerised' renditions of Darth Maul, Obi-Wan et al. I LOVE IT! You will/might/should/could too.

So check it out. And while you're there perhaps drop Juz ( supremo) a line and beg for more of his Park Wars 3D piccy's.

And if you appreciate his web design skills, twisted sense of humour (I can say humOUR because he's Australian too) and his love of South Park and Star Wars then follow some links and simple instructions and vote for him in the Australian Web Awards. Last I heard he was in the semi-finals. If he doesn't place higher than that then there's NO JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD! But if the readers of RebelPilot can all vote and tell their net savvy friends to cast a ballot in's favour (translation: favor) then we can all make the world a better (if not slightly reprobated) place for our children and our children's children.

RebelPilot word for the week: REPROBATE.


Jim from NY has added a B-Wing to the ascii fleet


Jose Luis Parada has sent in a character and various vehicles:

(Y-wing, front view) O=<^>=O

(Yoda) <(-_-)>

Some pod racers:

(Gasgano's pod racer)



(Sebulba's pod racer)


 \\ /     \ //


 //         \\

And I LOVE this one:

__(/////@ Bantha....

and here's a little something I thought I might add:


Bantha Poodoo?

Actually at first I thought poodoo was 'crap', but the translation is 'fodder' and fodder is their food, not their faeces.

In an upcoming issue I might make an entire listing of all the ascii art that I've made and that's been sent in.



 / \


And that was a very poor attempt on my behalf of Anakin's Pod Racer.

Better Than 'The Saga Continues'

Imperial Rhapsody

Sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody

LANDO: This is the good life

This is a fantasy

Working on Bespin

An escape from Reality.

LEIA: Open your eyes

Stand up to these guys and see.

LUKE: I'm just a farmboy, I need some sympathy

Cuz who's my dad, I dunno

Little whine, little moan.

HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really matter, to me

PIETT: Vader just killed a man.

Raised an arm up in the air

Now his life is no longer there.

Vader, we had just begun,

And now I've gone and lost the reb-el scum.

Vader, ooooooo.

Didn't mean to make you mad

If I'm not alive again this time tomorrow,

There'll be a new admiral, as if nothing ever happened.

YODA: Too late, my time has come,

Sends shivers down my spine

Body's aching all the time.

LUKE: Goodbye everybody, I've got to go

Gotta leave you all behind and learn the Force.

PIETT: Vader, ooooooooo.

I don't want to die

I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.

LUKE: I see a little silhouetto of a man

Palpatine, Palpatine, can it be the Emperor?

Thunderbolts and lightning, very very hurting me!

R2-D2, R2-D2,

R2-D2, R2-D2,

R2-D2, Where'd ya go? C-3PO O O O O O OH!

I'm just a farmboy, nobody loves me.

REBELS: He's just a farmboy, with a dead family.

Spare him this life of such mendacity!

HAN: Spice'll come, spice'll go. Jabba let me go.

JABBA: Bo shuda! (NO, we will not let you go)

HAN: Let me go!

JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)

HAN: Let me go!

JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)







C3PO: Oh R2-D2, R2-D2, R2-D2, Come along.

LEIA: C-3PO has a rebel put aside for meeeee, for meeeeee, for MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Stormtroopers start headbanging)

LUKE: So you say you're the dear old dad of mine?

But you cut my hand off and left me to die!

Oh Vader, can't do this to me, Vader.

I know there's some good, I know there's still some good in you.

OBIWAN: May the Force be with you.

Use the Force to see.

May the Force be with you,

May the Force be with you, alwaaaaaaaaaaaaays.

HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really mat-ter, to meeeeeeee.

© copyright unknown.

Now I'd like to hear that performed.

Late Breaking News

It's late, it's very late. I should have had this typed up two issues back but I overlooked it the first time and I forgot it the next.

Remember how I mentioned the Australian Star Wars short film, The Dark Redemption? Well if you're a recent subscriber then check out for the low down on this unique movie release. Here's a snippet I found in a Sunday paper.

Blaze of publicity

Fire marshals were called to a US screening of the Australian short film The Dark Redemption when a 5000-capacity auditorium swelled with demand.

Benelong hears the fan-made Star Wars prequel which stars original Star Wars actor Peter Sumner, was slated for a screening last well.

But when demand exceeded capacity, fire marshals had to step in to manage the crowd.

They ordered another section of the auditorium be opened up before the screening could proceed.

The non-profit film has achieved rave reviews from screening around the world, something which has so far eluded the blockbuster The Phantom Menace.

© Source: Benelong with Michael Idato, (back page of) The Sunday Telegraph July 18, 1999.

More ASCII Art

Here's my ascii rendering of the deathstar

far, far away


a little bit closer


even closer


Prequel Speculation

Do you know the name of Amidala's bodyguard/decoy/stand-in?

It's Sabe. (I don't recall the name mentioned in the movie it must have been in the book) a dedicated fan at supplied the answer.

Well now that I've laid the foundation let me go into a prequel speculation I came up with:

Sabe = Aunt Beru

Think about it. What if . . . Sabe is Aunt Beru. She takes the twin baby boy (Luke) and hides with him on Tatooine. Amidala would have trusted her to do such a thing.

NB: I'm not saying it's going to happen. I'm just saying it's quite possible that such a thing could be built into the storyline. And if by a one in a million chance this or one of my other speculations does happen, remember, you heard it first in RebelPilot!

Well Written Humour

On Using Darth Maul's Lightsaber

By The Ferrett 7/14/99

For my thirtieth birthday this weekend, I got a Darth Maul lightsaber. It didn't explode.

What it did do, however, was prove to be an awfully inadequate weapon. I put the batteries in and then hacked off my own leg. I twirled it and whacked the ceiling by mistake. I fought with my uncle, who leaned on his cane with one hand while brandishing his single-bladed "Luke Skywalker" saber with the other... and with one leg and one blade, he beat the living crap out of me.

Disheartened, I put the toy saber back in the box. How could Darth Maul have been such a bad guy with this awkward thing? What kind of weapon was this?

As I collapsed the lightsaber and put it back in the box, a note fell out. A note from a long time ago... With a postmark from a galaxy far, far away...


Fer'Bona Incom

CEO, Lightsabers 'R' Us Incorporated


D. Maul

Coruscant General Hospital

Dear Sir:

Thanks muchly for allowing me to try out the prototype for your new DuelBlade 2000 doublebladed lightsaber. While the advanced technology you provide is certainly exciting, the design flaws involved cost me and my Master our revenge against the long-hated Jedi and I myself am writing this from inside two separate Bacta tanks.

This DuelBlade is completely unusable and hazardous to the owner's health for the following reasons:

1.THE RADIATION SHIELDING IS INADEQUATE. I am aware that your physicians have run repeated tests that show that the DuelBlade's shielding is up to UL standards, but I find it extremely suspicious that shortly after I began using it my eyes turned yellow. And then my teeth started to fall out. My doctor says this isn't normal, and also states that your assertion that the hooded robes I wear "frequently cause scalp irritations that sometimes develop into little yellow horns" is not a statement that would stand up in court.

2.THE BLADE DESIGN IS ONLY CONDUCTIVE TO FIGHTING JEDI KNIGHTS. While the DuelBlade's patent-pending doubleblade configuration is definitely unique, only Jedi seem dumb enough to swing at the saber blades out on the end. Everyone else I fought with just aimed at the handle, which is three feet wide, located smack in the center of my body, and has my hands on it - at one training stage I was going through three or four artificial hands a week. (And three or four training partners - we Sith have to keep that veil of secrecy, y'know.) I'm not quite sure why only Jedi are inclined to actually go for the blades, but then again, these are the same Jedi I kicked in the face three or four times and they never seemed to catch on to STAY AWAY FROM THE FEET. They're noble, but they're not too bright.

3.THE ACTIVATION BUTTONS ARE POORLY PLACED AND THERE IS A HIGH LEARNING CURVE. When I finally graduate from my "Advanced Enemy Asphyxiation 101" Sith class next week, I'm going to strangle everyone in your R&D department for coming up with this one. Who the heck decided that having big off-and-on buttons on a handle you're supposed to twirl around with both hands was a good idea? Every time I twirled, I hit a button by mistake and shut it off. Do you realize how embarrassing it is to pull off a really cool baton-style twist and end up with a deactivated saber? All of the other Sith were laughing at me. Well, the other Sith, anyway.

Don't get me wrong...I appreciate that your design department put in special lock switches for me - but they didn't hold that well. During my last fight, I had it locked down. I had this little dweeb of an apprentice with a really bad ponytail trapped down a well and sure enough, just like I thought, he used the Force to leap out of the pit and slice me in half - and when I went to swing, the on-switch lock failed and I was left standing there saberless! Do you realize how dangerous this is? I could have been killed!

As it was, he sliced me in two, but that leads me to the "high learning curve" aspect of this discussion - normally a bisectional cut through the abdomen would be fatal, but fortunately I'd accidentally sliced myself in half so often trying to use this thing that my lower intestine had been replaced with a rubber tube from a '47 landspeeder and I just glued myself back together. I'm more machine than man, now. Darth Sidious has told me that as a result of my failure, he's thinking about replacing me with some young kid - a kid who'll be all human, not just a bunch of cybernetic parts. Man, I hope I can make the grade.

Yours truly,

D. Maul

Sith Apprentice-In-Training

©1999 The Ferrett. Used by permission.

The Ferrett has made a career out of diatribe. He can be counted on for a rant on almost any subject, the Old Faithful of cynicism.


Contents of RebelPilot e-zine is ©1999 RebelPilot, unless otherwise stated. Permission is granted for non-profit usage of the contents so long as you credit the copyright holder and mention that you found it at RebelPilot. Oh yeah, and put in my subscribe address ( and while you're at it mention me at your webpage if you've got one. (shaving the name 'RebelPilot' into your dog or cat's fur is optional)

© RebelPilot. Humour, rumour, news, views, and ascii art.

Oh Yeah, Star Wars is owned ( © ® and a whole heap of other little symbols) by Lucasfilm Ltd.

Well there goes my self imposed limit of five pages.

I'm still considering having a web site where I can post the jpeg's and gif's with a link from RebelPilot so the actual size of the email isn't too big.

NEXT ISSUE: SW Games Reviews,more humour, more speculation and it's a sure bet that there'll be more ascii!

RebelPilot:>o<: = = = = = = = = = = = (-o-)

Be sure to forward this email to your Star Wars loving friends.

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That's All Folks!

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