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The Daily Joke For February

Updated on January 16, 2015

The Daily Joke - A Joke A Day For February

The Daily Joke for February has a joke for every day of the month, and great classic jokes they are too.

We all could use some more laughter in our lives, that can't be denied. Sometimes all we read or hear about is bad news, sad news, it drags you down.

With a joke for every day in February, keep coming back to this page to help drive the blues away and make you smile. Don't leave it at that - if you enjoy the jokes, please share this lens with your friends and get them laughing too. If you don't find the jokes funny, go ahead and share it with those people that you don't like...

So, the best medicine for the blues is some good old fashioned jokes - and believe me some of these are probably as old as your great-grandmother - but the old ones are sometimes the best ones.

Enjoy and please share this page with your friends if you enjoyed it.

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The Daily Joke - Make $$$$ Guaranteed

The Daily Joke - 1st February

I'm being genererous today - a second posting, but I know how interested we all are in making $$$$, so here is a guaranteed way...

Caution: This is not for the clumsy.....

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?

Here's an incredibly simple way to do it.

There is nothing to buy,

No investment to make,

No money to lose!

Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

1) Hold down the shift key.

2) Hit the 4 key four times fast.

The Daily Joke - A Blonde Guy Joke

The Daily Joke - 2nd February

The first blonde GUY joke... and well worth the wait...

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said: "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch and exclaimed, Burritos again!" If I get burritos one more time in my lunch, I'm ging to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping off, too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw the corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch bucket, saw the

bologna sandwich and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it

to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

The Daily Joke - Grocery Shopping

The Daily Joke - 3rd February

A man was observing a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket.

As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No."

The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy.

When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry.

The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased.

The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

The Daily Joke - It's A Frog's Life

The Daily Joke - 4th February

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline for advice.

The Psychic tells him:

"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

The Daily Joke - Murphy

The Daily Joke - 5th February

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.

Murphy and the thief began to wrestle.

They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight.

However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

"Was that all you wanted?" Murphy replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!"

The Daily Joke - Cats: A Painful Story

The Daily Joke - 6th Februrary

Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied

hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked

me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience.

I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the

paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter ...... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.

I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'

If they only knew!

Hope your week is better than his!

The Daily Joke - Signs You Have Had Enough Of The 2000s

The Daily Joke - 7th February

  1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

  2. You haven't played patience with real cards in years.

  3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

  4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask "Do you fancy going down the pub ?" and they reply "Yeah, give me 5 minutes".

  5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year.

  6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.

  7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

  8. You consider The Postal Service painfully slow or call it "snail mail".

  9. Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured post-it notes.

  10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

  11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

  12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

  13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

  14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

  15. Your resume is on a flash drive in your pocket.

  16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.

  17. You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news.

  18. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.

  19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

  20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

  21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

  22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.

  23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.

  24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

  25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.

  26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

  27. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.

  28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

  29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.

  30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.

  31. Your boss's favourite lines are: When you've got a few minutes....... ...... Could you fit this in...? ........................ In your spare time............ I know you're busy but................. I have an opportunity for you...

  32. Holiday is something you roll over to next year.

  33. Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving.

  34. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection.

  35. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

  36. The only reason you recognise your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.

  37. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

  38. You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.

  39. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "mates you send jokes to" e-mail group.

  40. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward it anyway.

The Daily Joke - Adoption

The Daily Joke - 8th February

A blonde couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

The Daily Joke - Car Trouble

The Daily Joke - 9th February

Suzie meets up with Sandi as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.

Suzie asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"

"Yes, thank goodness" Sandi replies.

"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"

"Yeah I was, but he didn't. I was SO relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

The Daily Joke - The Examination

The Daily Joke - 10th February

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue....

The Daily Joke - It's Snowing

The Daily Joke - 11th Feburary

One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in Northern Minnesota were listening to the radio.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

The Daily Joke - Male & Female Prayers

The Daily Joke - 12th February

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong,

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me no end,

And never attempt to hit on my friend.

And as I pray beside my bed,

I look at the clown you sent me instead.

Amen.

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs

who owns a liquor store. Amen.

The Daily Joke - Billboard

The Daily Joke - 13th February

Driving home last night, I saw a billboard that said:

Need help? Call Jesus. 1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity I did.

A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.

The Daily Joke - Elderley Cruisers

The Daily Joke - 14th February

An elderly couple who enjoy cheap cruises were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send the pearl, re-bait the trap."

The Daily Joke - Patents

The Daily Joke - 15th February

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle."

"A fottle?

That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton."

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."

"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

The Daily Joke - Sanity Test

The Daily Joke - 16th Feburary

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the critera was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

The Daily Joke - Bank Robbery

The Daily Joke - 17th February

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing nearby and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

The Daily Joke - Diagnosis

The Daily Joke - 18th February

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

The Daily Joke - Ten Songs For People Over 50

The Daily Joke - 19th February

10. Lets Get a Physical

9. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough

8. Johnny B. Olde

7. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything

6. The Lack O' Motion

5. Hair Potion Number Nine

4. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)

3. To All the Girls I've Disappointed Before

2. A Hard Day's Nap

And the Number One Song for People Over 40...

1. Knock Knock Knockin' on the Bathroom Door

The Daily Joke - Railway Job

The Daily Joke - 20th February

A brilliant young boy was undergoing track safety training with the railways.

The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?"

"Yes", the boy replied.

"Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?"

The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the

button to change the points without hesitation."

"What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?"

"I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the

points manually"

"And if the lever was broken?"

"I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied.

"And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?"

The boy thought about that one.

"I'd run into town and get my uncle"

"Is your uncle an electrician?"

"No, but he's never seen a train crash before...

The Daily Joke - Sales Convention

The Daily Joke - 21st February

A sales executive was helping a new blonde trainee prepare for her first weekend sales convention.

Upon their arrival in New York, the boss showed her the best places to eat, shop, and stay.

The following morning, as the group was organizing their material for the day¹s presentation, the executive noticed the trainee was missing.

He called the hotel where she was staying to ask what happened.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of my room!"

"You can't get out of your room? Why not?" asked the boss.

"There are only three doors in here," she sobbed. "One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says DO NOT DISTURB!"

The Daily Joke - Trip To Rome

The Daily Joke - 22nd February

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to his barber who responded...

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump? That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.

The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of American Airlines s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job, and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the crappy haircut?

The Daily Joke - Learning To Spell

The Daily Joke - 23rd February

My son, Mitchell, who is in kindergarten, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: "G"-"O"-"D."

"Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."

That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.

"Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"

The Daily Joke - What's That Name?

The Daily Joke - 24th February

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

The Daily Joke - Traffic Violations

The Daily Joke - 25th February

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.

"Keep it," the clerk advised. "When you get four of them, you get a bicycle."

The Daily Joke - Bargains

The Daily Joke - 26th February

Two Jewish businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch suggested by one of them.

The first says, "I have a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could let you have it for a thousand dollars."

The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What are you, crazy? What am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I can't even squeeze in an end table. So I'm going to buy an elephant?"

The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand."

"Oh," said the other, "now you're talking!"

The Daily Joke - Pirate

The Daily Joke - 27th February

A pirate goes into a bar with a wheel on his crotch.

The bartender says: "Hey, did you know you got a wheel on your crotch?"

The pirate replies...

"argghh, it drives me nuts!"

The Daily Joke - Last Request

The Daily Joke - 28th February

An old man was on his deathbed.

He wanted badly to take all his money with

him.

He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.

"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.

Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly

broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Humorous DVD's

Here are a few funny DVD's that are guaranteed to make you laugh

American Pie - Everyone loves American Pie, probably the greatest series of American College movies ever.

Origin Of The Jokes

A Disclaimer On The Copyright Of These Jokes

Sometimes people ask me "Where did you get these jokes?", and with copyright and plagiarism being rife on the internet these days I honestly can't say that I came up with them, although I did re-write some in the process of creating this page.

I have run a jokes and humor mailing list since the late 1990s, and most of the jokes that I use on my lenses have been circulating via email for years, and via word of mouth and other means for donkeys years before that. Some I even heard when I was a boy, and I bet they weren't new then either.

In most cases nobody knows who started a joke, or who has any ownership of a funny story. If I have used something that you know to be copyrighted, please let me know, and I will be pleased to credit it appropriately or to remove it if that is preferred.

Meantime, let's get back to the business of making people laugh...

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    • TonyPayne profile image
      Author

      Tony Payne 3 years ago from Southampton, UK

      @RomeFan: Thank you. I'm pleased you enjoyed the jokes. It's always good to make people laugh.

    • profile image

      RomeFan 3 years ago

      holah... This made my day right. Thanks for sharing a dose of laughter with us. Great lens.

    • profile image

      jillian22 4 years ago

      Funny funny

    • profile image

      CrazyIM 5 years ago

      A lot of funny jokes. Great.

    • profile image

      fenellashorty 5 years ago

      Very funny

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