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Jokes for Grown Ups

Updated on November 18, 2011

Best Collection of Grown Up Jokes and Humor

Well as I ponder the world issues and watch the news it comes to me that that the world has lost it's sense of humor. Or we just don't make time for it. If the world only laughed more and shared humor what a place this would be. So I said to myself "self you have to create a place of humor and jokes people of all types can share with each other". Children tell jokes all day, they laugh and are happy. So why can't Grown Up's? My mission is to bring some good, clean though sometimes risque, Grown Up Jokes and Humor for all to share. Read em in the morning to start the day off with a smile and read em at night before bed. This is a compilation of the Best of the Best out there. Sometime we as adults take life too serious and don't make time to laugh. So read on and enjoy and we will be adding more and more for your enjoyment!

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GENIE IN A BOTTLE

TWO GUYS ARE IN A LOCKER ROOM WHEN ONE GUY NOTICED THE OTHER GUY HAS A CORK IN HIS BUTT..HE SAYS, "HOW DID U GET THAT CORK STUCK IN YOUR BUTT"? THE OTHER GUY SAYS "I WAS WALKING ALONG THE BEACH & I TRIPPED OVER A LAMP. THERE WAS A PUFF OF SMOKE & THEN A RED MAN IN A TURBAN CAME OOZING OUT. HE SAID, I TONTO, INDIAN GENIE, I GRANT-UM ONE WISH..AND I SAID, "NO SHIT"!!

Wifes need for Speed!

John was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

John has been missing since!.

Kid Asks His Mother

A MOTHER & FATHER TAKE THEIR 6YR OLD TO A NUDE BEACH. THE LITTLE BOY NOTICES THAT SOME OF THE LADIES HAD BREASTS BIGGER THAN HIS MOTHER'S & ASKS HER WHY? SHE TELLS HIM: "THE BIGGER THEY ARE...THE DUMBER THE PERSON IS". HE IS PLEASED WITH THE ANSWER & GOES TO PLAY IN THE OCEAN BUT RETURNS TO TELL HIS MOTHER THAT MANY OF THE MEN HAVE LARGER PENIS'S THAN HIS DAD..MOTHER REPLIED..THE BIGGER THEY ARE..THE DUMBER THE PERSON IS". PLEASED WITH THE ANSWER HE RESUMES HIS PLAYING..SHORTLY AFTER HE RETURNS. HE PROMPTLY TELLS HIS MOTHER, "DAD IS TALKING TO THE DUMBEST GIRL ON THE BEACH & THE LONGER HE TALKS, THE DUMBER HE GETS"!!!

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The Jewish and Chinese Pilots

AIRPLANE TAKES OFF FROM AIRPORT. CAPTAIN IS JEWISH & 1ST OFFICER IS CHINESE.IT'S OBVIOUS,BY THE SILENCE, THAT THEY DON'T GET ALONG. THE JEWISH CAPTAIN MUTTERS: "I DON'T LIKE THE CHINESE". THE 1ST OFFICER REPLIES: "OOOOH, NO LIKE CHINESE? "WHY DAT? "YOUR PEOPLE BOMBED PEARL HARBOR", "THAT'S WHY". "NOOOO, NOOO, CHINESE NOT BOMB PEARL HAHBAH, THAT JAPANESE, NOT CHINESE. "CHINESE, JAPANESE, VIETNAMESE...IT DON'T MATTER..YOU'RE ALL ALIKE. 1ST OFFICER SAYS: NO LIKE JEW! "WHY NOT"? JEWS SINK TITANIC". THE JEWS DIDN'T SINK THE TITANIC..IT WAS AN ICEBERG. "ICEBERG, GOLDBERG, ROSENBERG..NO MATTAH..ALL DA SAME".

A VERY IMPORTANT MAN

MR. KING GOES TO THE DOCTOR FOR A VASECTOMY. UNLIKE THE USUAL PATIENTS, HE SHOW UP IN A LIMO AND HE'S SITTING IN THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE IN A RENTED TUXEDO WITH A BLACK TIE. THE DOCTOR SAYS, "I'VE DONE A LOT OF THESE, BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE COME IN A LIMO OR WEAR A TUXEDO BEFORE..WHAT'S THE STORY"? TO WHICH PAT RESPONDED, "IF I"M GONNA BE-IMPOTENT, I'M GONNA LOOK IM-POTENT!!!"

Wifes Dental Visit

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Last Chance!

AN ALCHOLOLIC, A CHAIN SMOKER & A HOMOSEXUAL GO TO THE DOCTOR - THE DOCTOR SAYS "IF ANY OF YOU INDULGE ONE MORE TIME YOU'LL DIE". AS THEY WALK HOME THEY PASS A BAR..THE ALCHOLOLIC HAS A SHOT OF WHISKEY..FALLS OFF HIS STOOL STONE COLD DEAD. HIS FRIENDS ARE SHOCKED. AS THEY ARE WALKING THEY COME UPON A CIGARETTE BUTT LYING ON THE GROUND STILL BURNING. THE HOMOSEXUAL LOOKS AT THE CHAIN SMOKER & SAYS: "IF U BEND OVER TO PICK THAT UP...WE'RE BOTH DEAD!!!"

YARD WORK

A MAN & HIS WIFE ARE DOING YARD WORK. HUSBAND SAYS TO WIFE "YOUR BUTT IS AS WIDE AS THE GRILL". SHE IGNORES THE REMARK. A LITTLE LATER THE HUSBAND TAKES HIS MEASURING TAPE & GOES OVER TO WIFE WHILE SHE IS BENDING OVER..HE MEASURES HER BUTT & GASPS.."GEEZ" IT IS AS WIDE AS THE GRILL"! LATER THAT NIGHT WHILE IN BED..HER HUSBAND STARTS TO FEEL FRISKY. SHE CALMLY RESPONDS. "IF YOU THINK i'M GONNA FIRE UP THE GRILL FOR 1 LITTLE WEINER..YOU'RE MISTAKEN"!!!!

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Woman's Prayer

AMEN

DEAR LORD:

SO FAR TODAY, I AM DOING ALLRIGHT. I HAVE NOT GOSSIPED, LOST MY TEMPER, BEEN GREEDY, GRUMPY, NASTY, SELFISH OR SELF INDULGENT. I HAVE NOT WHINED, CURSED OR EATEN ANY CHOCOLATE. HOWEVER, I AM GOING TO GET OUT OF BED IN A FEW MINUTES AND I WILL NEED A LOT MORE HELP AFTER THAT...AMEN...

My Wife Bought New Cosmetic's and Asked Me...

MY WIFE BOUGHT A NEW LINE OF EXPENSIVE COSMETICS GUARANTEED TO MAKE HER LOOK YEARS YOUNGER. AFTER A LENGHTY SITTING IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR APPLYING THE "MIRACLE" PRODUCTS, SHE ASKED, "DARLING, HONESTLY WHAT AGE WOULD U SAY I AM?" LOOKING OVER HER CAREFULLY, I REPLIED, "JUDGING FROM YOUR SKIN..20, YOUR HAIR 18, AND YOU FIGURE 25.."OH YOU FLATTERER! SHE GUSHED.."HEY WAIT A MINUTE "I INTERUPTED, " I HAVEN'T ADDED THEM UP YET"!!!!

New Sex Survey Results Are In

BASED ON STATISTICS...THE MOST USED SEXUAL POSITION AMONG MARRIED COUPLES IS DOGGY STYLE. THE HUSBAND SITS AND BEGS...WHILE THE WIFE ROLLS OVER AND PLAYS DEAD!

Wife Finds Husband with Young Girl

WIFE COMES HOME & WAS HORRIFIED TO FIND HUSBAND IN BED WITH A YOUNG GIRL..SHE IS ABOUT TO STORM OUT THE DOOR WHEN HUSBAND SAYS..BEFORE YOU LEAVE I WANT YOU TO HEAR HOW THIS ALL CAME ABOUT. DRIVING HOME I SAW THIS POOR & HUNGRY GIRL..SO I GAVE HER FOOD YOU FORGOT ABOUT..SHE NEEDED SHOES SO I GAVE HER YOUR SHOES THAT YOU DON'T WEAR ANYMORE..SHE WAS COLD SO I GAVE HER A SWEATER YOU DON'T LIKE ANYMORE..HER PANTS WERE RIPPED SO I GAVE HER YOURS THAT DON'T FIT ANYMORE. THEN SHE WAS ABOUT TO LEAVE SHE PAUSED & ASKED "IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOUR WIFE DOESN'T USE ANYMORE?" AND SO, HERE WE ARE!!"

2 GUYS & A GIRL

2 GUYS & A GIRL SITTING AT A BAR TALKING ABOUT THEIR LIVES. ONE GUY SAID "I'M A ...YUPPIE, YOU KNOW, YOUNG URBAN PROFFESSIONAL". SECOND GUY SAYS "I'M A DINK, YOU KNOW, DOUBLE INCOME NO KIDS." THEY ASKED THE GIRL WHAT ARE YOU? SHE REPLIED "i'M A WIFE YOU KNOW, WASH, IRON, F--K ETC."

MAN AND WOMAN DOCTORS MEET AT BAR

TWO DOCTORS ARE IN A BAR DRINKING..THE MAN SAYS, "HEY, HOW ABOUT IF WE SLEEP TOGETHER TONITE..NO STRINGS ATTACHED". THE WOMAN DOCTOR AGREES. SHE GOES INTO THE BATHROOM AND SCRUBS UP LIKE SHE IS GOING INTO AN OPERATING ROOM. AT LAST SHE GOES INTO THE BEDROOM & HAS SEX. THE MAN SAYS "YOU'RE A SURGEON ARENT YOU?" "I COULD TELL BY THE WAY YOU SCRUBBED UP BEFORE WE STARTED. SHE REPLIES.."THAT MAKES SENSE. YOU MUST BE A ANAESTHESIOLOGIST, ARENT YOU?" "YEAH, HOW DID U KNOW?" SHE REPLIES, "BECAUSE I DIDN'T FEEL A THING"!!!!!!!

Bitter Sweet Joke of the Day

A dog followed his owner, a fourth grader to school at a public elementary school. When the bell rang, the dog went inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed, shooed him outside and closed the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors. Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said, Don't feel bad fella they won't let ME in either!

GRANDPA..WHY ARE YOU NAKED?

A BOY GOES TO HIS GRANDFATHERS HOUSE AND SEES GRANDPA SITTING ON THE PORCH ON THE ROCKING CHAIR WITH NOTHING ON FROM THE WAIST DOWN, "GRANDPA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" HE EXCLAIMED. HE ASKED AGAIN, WHY ARE YOU NAKED FROM THE WAIST DOWN"? GRANDPA LOOKED AT HIM & SAID, "WELL, LAST WEEK I SAT OUT HERE WITH NO SHIRT ON AND I GOT A STIFF NECK..THIS IS YOUR GRANDMA'S IDEA"!!!!!

MAN WAKES WITH MASSIVE HANGOVER

Joe wakes up in the morning. he has a massive hangover & can't remember anything he did last night. he picks his bathrobe off the floor & notices a bra in the pocket..he thinks, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED LAST NIGHT. He also finds a panty in the other pocket & thinks WHAT HAVE I DONE? Must have been some wild party.

He looks in the bathroom mirror & notices a string hanging out of his mouth & his only thought is "PLEASE, IF THERE'S A GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BE A TEABAG!!!!!!

Don't forget to see our Comedy Video Shorts way down below!

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A WOMANS ASS

THERE IS A NEW STUDY ABOUT WOMEN. I THOUGHT THESE RESULTS WERE PRETTY INTERESTING..

85% OF ALL WOMEN THINK THEIR ASS HAS GROWN TOO BIG SINCE GETTING MARRIED.

10% OF WOMEN THINK THEIR ASS IS JUST AS BIG AS IT WAS WHEN THEY GOT MARRIED...

THE OTHER 5% SAY THAT THEY DON'T CARE, THEY LOVE HIM AND WOULD HAVE MARRIED HIM ANYWAY...

THE HONEYMOON

A COUPLE JUST GOT MARRIED & ON THE NIGHT OF THEIR HONEYMOON BSFORE MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE, THE WIFE TELLS HUSBAND BE GENTLE "I'M A VIRGIN". SHOCKED HUSBAND SAYS, "HOW'S THAT POSSIBLE" YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED 3 TIMES . WIFE SAYS, "WELL MY 1ST WAS A GYNECOLOGIST & ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS LOOK AT IT. MY 2ND WAS A PSYCHOLOGIST ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS TALK ABOUT IT. FINALLY, MY 3RD WAS A STAMP COLLECTOR & ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS..............OH, DO I MISS HIM!".....

Remember the Little Rascals

We welcome your comments and the more "Thumbs-Up" and "Comments" we get the more Jokes we will add. Truly we hope you have enjoyed our lens and remember "Laughter is Contagious".

If we made ya Smile or Laugh let us know!

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      George Grofuss 24 months ago

      I am know many jokes

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      vecchios-sicilian 5 years ago

      @anonymous: Hi Georganna and thank you for visiting. By all means share your jokes here and with others. Theres too few people laughing and smiling today with the way the world is today. A laugh during the day does wonders!

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      I'm a 1950 baby and grew up liking these kinds of jokes but was always puzzled why sometimes i couldn't get the laugh but other times I could when telling the jokes to others. Just this very minute the lightbulb went on in my head and now I see the light! Not everyone thinks this type of humor is "funny." I'm glad I found your jokes and have some you may not have heard but mke me smile every time I think of them. Let me know if want me to share!