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Monty Python Quotes

Updated on December 9, 2012

Why Monty Python Quotes Are So Special

Monty Python's Flying Circus is one of those "you either love it or hate it" type of phenomenons, there seems to be no middle ground.

I tend to believe this is due to how brave the group was, taking risks that no one else would at the time. This obviously paid off, as at the end of the day there were more hits than misses and those hits transformed comedy forever. After all, The Pythons aren't considered The Beatles of comedy for nothing.

One of my favorite things to do besides re-watching all of Pythons work is to go through some of the quotations from Monty Python And The Flying Circus as well as the movies, and I'm astonished every single time by how funny and relevant the humor stays to this day.

Below are some of my favorite Monty Python Quotes from both the series and the movies, enjoy.

Monty Python and the Flying Circus Quotes

Monty Python and the Flying Circus Quotes
Monty Python and the Flying Circus Quotes

"Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark."

"We interrupt show jumping to bring you a news flash. The Second World War has now entered a sentimental stage. The morning on the Ardennes Front, the Germans started spooning at dawn, but the British Fifth Army responded by gazing deep in their eyes, and the Germans are reported to have gone 'all coy'."

Well now, the result of last week's competition when we asked you to find a derogatory term for the Belgians. Well, the response was enormous and we took quite a long time sorting out the winners. There were some very clever entries. Mrs Hatred of Leicester Said 'let's not call them anything, let's just ignore them'. And a Mr St John of Huntingdon said he couldn't think of anything more derogatory than 'Belgians'. But in the end we settled on three choices: number three ... 'The Sprouts', sent in by Mrs Vicious of Hastings... very nice; number two..... 'The Phlegms', from Mrs Childmolester of Worthing; but the winner was undoubtedly from Mrs No-Supper-For-You from Norwood in Lancashire... 'Miserable Fat Belgian Bastards'!"

"This is a frightened city. Over these houses, over these streets hangs a pall of fear. Fear of a new kind of violence which is terrorizing the city. Yes, gangs of old ladies attacking defenceless fit young men."

Monty Python and the Holy Grail Quotes

"I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food

trough wiper! I fart in your general direction!

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

"Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis...

Sir Robin: That's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads... looks like there's dirty work afoot. "

"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. "

"O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that, with it, thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.

And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chunks of oatmeal and bananas and raisins and koalas and blueberries and grues."

"And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

Monty Python Meaning of Life Quotes

Monty Python And The Meaning of Life Quotes
Monty Python And The Meaning of Life Quotes

"Maitre d': Good evening sir and how are we today?

Mr. Creosote: Better.

Maitre d': Better?

Mr. Creosote: Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up."

"Patient: Is it a boy or a girl?

Obstetrician: Now, I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you?"

"Chairman: Item six on the agenda, the Meaning of Life. Now Harry, you've had some thoughts on this.

Harry: That's right, yeah. I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks, and what we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. One, people are not wearing enough hats. Two, matter is energy. In the Universe there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this soul does not exist ab initio as orthodox Christianity teaches; it has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.


Max: What was that about hats?"

"Mom (singing):

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon spill theirs just anywhere,

But God loves those who treat there semen with more care."

Monty Python Life Of Brian Quotes

"Brian: I'm not a Roman mum, I'm a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher mum, I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!"

"Brian : Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't need to follow me.

You don't need to follow anybody!

You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals!

Crowd : Yes! We're all individuals!

Brian : You're all different!

Crowd : Yes, we are all different!

Man in crowd : I'm not...

Crowd: Shhh!

A Bonus From The Contractual Obligation Album

Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me.

I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too.

Life can be fine

If we both 69....

How Do You Feel About the Monty Python Gang?

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    • profile image


      6 years ago

      I love the Monty Python gang. Took me awhile to understand them - something like appreciating the taste of olives - but once I did . . . .

    • randomthings lm profile image

      randomthings lm 

      6 years ago

      That is some of the funniest comedy around. Thanks so much for putting this together

    • domjohnson lm profile image

      domjohnson lm 

      6 years ago

      Monty Python have come up with some of the funniest moments in the history of comedy! :)

    • Ninche profile image


      6 years ago

      I think they are great! Love your lens!

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      They're some of the funniest comedians I've ever had the pleasure of watching!

    • bechand profile image


      6 years ago

      I love the Knights that go "NE" - and the coconut gallop in the Holy Grail - Awesome Move - these guys are priceless right?

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      My friends watched the kinds of movies until they memorized them when we were young. I also enjoyed them, but not quite to that extent.

    • LouisaDembul profile image


      6 years ago

      I absolutely love Monty Python. They shaped my childhood......:)


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