Puns, Puns, Puns & More
Poke Some Fun at Jokes and Puns
Puns (or paronomasia, if you will) refer to the use of words in different senses than the usual, or the use of words similar in sound to achieve a specific, generally humorous, effect,
Puns should not be confused with malapropisms, or acts of misusing similar sounding words, particularly with humorous results, as when George Bush said, "We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile," or when Chicago's former mayor Richard Daley exlaimed, "The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder."
In the later case, the incorrect use of words is (usually) unintentional; where puns are concerned, however, such use is deliberate and often very clever.
All the best,
P.S. Every calendar's days are numbered.
What kind of sick musician would play a b-sharp? It’s just not natural.
Science is Golden...
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate - or just get past their prime.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. (Bob Hope)
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. (Lana Turner)
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
How can you trust the ceiling fan installer when you know he is always screwing up?
Time on your hands?
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
Time Traveller: "Man, I'm hungry. I haven't eaten since later this afternoon."
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
There once was a lady named Bright
Who traveled much faster than light
She departed one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night
An optician fell into a lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
The Gift of Eternal Life...
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor....
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
In the eighties my buddy purchased a rubber fastening device bearing the picture of a rabbit. Hare bands have lost popularity since then.
It's a Crime!
When the shocked IRS agent was found guilty of tax evasion he had to take time to collect himself.
A nut named Hazel held up a bank saying 'give me all the cashew have'.
They tried to keep a locksmith in prison, but the nut bolted.
After the transvestite escaped from prison the only thing the police could tell the press was that she was still a broad.
A soldier catches a wolf by using his bayin' net!
Random Body Parts
I had to laugh when the boy broke his upper arm. It was very humerous.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
No one wanted to see the naked banana. I guess it just lacked appeal!
Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
I need to cut my fingernails before they get too out of hand.
A balding man and his hair are soon parted...
A handlebar mustache may look ridiculous, but symmetrical eyelashes are even cilia.
How could the bingo player have gotten cancer? Her last checkup was B-9.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I worked in a blanket factory until it folded, creased to exist.
Why should you never trust the military police? Because they're full of MP promises!
Don't be offended if a cavalry officer doesn't say tanks.
Can you believe General Schwarzkopf has found religion? Now they call him Stormin' Mormon!
Are those who get attacked by flamethrowing midgets suffering small arms fire? (POW)
Sperm bank: a place were people come and go.
The fence builders were upset with their working conditions, so they decided to picket.
You really shouldn't have wakened the record executive. He never appreciates a nap stir.
A backward poet writes inverse.
Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
- Because she wanted to mail the litter
What do you get if you cross a parakeet with a cat?
- A peeping Tom
What would you call a Middle Eastern cloth cat with a furry coat that you keep on your car's front seat?
A Persian car pet!
What's Irish and stays out all night? Patti O'Furniture.
If you run behind a car, you'll be exhausted.
You know where crazy people walk? The psychopath!
How does a jazz musician drink a double whisky? In a big Fat Swaller!
"I met a woman who was a bookkeeper handling accounts receivable during the day and a prostitute at night. That's right, she's a tally-ho." (HARRY FARKAS)
I hate work!
I got my job at the dentist's office by word of mouth.
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
The man who worked at the watch factory was very funny. He stood about all day making faces.
If ionized fertilizer is delivered after business hours, would the nitrate be charged?
In a recession, the most secure job is garbage-man. Business is always picking up.
A pyrotechnician should know how fireworks.
Bear fights can often turn grizzly!
Is the medical term for owning too many dogs a roverdose?
It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer...
The dairy farmer while milking his cow strained his calf in the process.
In medieval days, people were always hanging out by the gallows.
Newfie Mental Hospital
(No, it's not a pun, but it IS darned funny!)
George and a Newfie feller were both patients in a mental hospital in St. John’s. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, George suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. The Newfie promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled George out.
When the medical director became aware of the Newfie's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell the Newfie the news he said, "Newf, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound thinking and judgment.
The bad news is, George, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
The Newfie replied "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry ... So...how soon can I go home?"
If you've cherish a pun or two of your own, and would like to see them featured here, take a minute and share them - and let me know if it's ok to credit your contribution by adding your name.
I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...
She's still not talking to me.