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Religious Jokes Volume II

Updated on January 14, 2015

Funny Religious Jokes Volume II

The first collection of funny Religious Jokes that I compiled has proved amazingly popular, so here is Funny Religious Jokes Volume II, another page with even more of the funniest Religious Jokes to be found anywhere.

If who love Religious Jokes, funny jokes about church and religion, I hope you enjoy this great selection of new jokes.

It's time to get start gossiping about the church congregation, the naughty ministers, vicars and priests as well. Time also to dig up some more Catholic and Pope jokes.

I hope you enjoy this new collection of Religious Jokes. Please don't forget to let me know by participating in the Polls and by signing the Guestbook.

Don't miss the videos of Dave Allen On Religion. Dave Allen was a very clever and insanely funny Irish comedian, if you haven't seen/heard him, you are missing out on some great comedy.

Where Would Man be Today

A prominent women’s liberation speaker was addressing a large group and asked, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?"

She paused for a moment, and looked around the room.

Not a sound was to be heard from any of the audience.

"I repeat" she said, "where would man be today if it were not for woman?"

From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries."

Yankees Baseball Game

Three nuns went to a baseball game to see the New York Yankees, dressed in their habits as nuns do.

Three Yankees fans were sitting directly behind them, but because the nuns habits were partially blocking their view of the game, the men decided to heckle the nuns, hoping that they would get annoyed enough to move to another area of the stadium.

In a very loud voice the first Yankee fan said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah. I hear there are only 100 nuns living there."

Then the second Yankee fan spoke up and said loudly, "I want to move to Montana. I hear there are only 50 nuns living there."

The third Yankee fan yelled, "I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there."

The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "why don't you all go to hell... there aren't any nuns there."

Something Wrong

In the Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating clergyman says, "The Lord be with you" and the congregation used to respond by saying, "And with thy spirit".

However, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, "The Lord be with you," and everyone responds with, "And also with you".

One Sunday, a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable. As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, "There's something wrong with this!"

Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, "And also with you."

Though Shalt Not Steal

There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday.

Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike.

The other priest asked where his bike was.

The other priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!"

The other priest said, "Well what you need to do is read off the ten commandments, and when you get to "Thou Shall Not Steal" someone will confess to the crime."

The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back.

"I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?," the one priest said.

The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it."

It's In The Bible

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS"

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Whoopi Goldberg In Sister Act

First released in 1992, Sister Act brought together the talents of Whoopi Goldberg and Maggie Smith and introduced us to the delightful Kathy Najimy.

Whoopi Goldberg plays a singer in a sleazy club whose boyfriend is a gangster. When she is a key witness having seen her boyfriend murder someone in the club, the police hide her away in a convent where she goes under cover (literally) as a nun.

On joining the convent choir and finding the experience really dull, Whoopi ends up turning things around and getting them to perform some lively numbers.

The choir's popularity grows in the neighborhood, which leads to her boyfriend discovering where she has been hiding...

A great plot, some great acting and a classic Whoopi Goldberg movie, not to be missed.

Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit

review coming soon...














The Desperate Businessman

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do.

He goes to his Rabbi to seek advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do."

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.

The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.

The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: "Chapter 11"

Dennis Swanberg Baptist Preacher - Bengy And The Zipper

The Pearly Gates

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."

St. Peter consults his list.

He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years."

St Peter consults his list.

He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Father Ted DVD's - Father Ted Is One Of The Funniest Religious Sitcoms To Come Out Of The UK In Years.

Adam's Rib

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Funny Church Signs

Don't Jump

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

The Vicar Of Dibley on DVD - Dawn French At Her Very Best

Pick Three Hymns

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.

He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him, and him, and him."

Preparing For Baptism

Before performing a baptism, Father Reilly approached Paddy Murphy and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," Paddy replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," Father Reilly responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," Paddy replied. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

Chicken In Lent

Each Friday night after work, Jim would fire up his outdoor grill and cook chicken.

All of Jim's neighbors were Catholic and since it was Lent, they refrained from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled chicken wafted throughout the neighborhood causing so much frustration for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Jim and persuaded him to become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Jim was baptized.

As the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic."

Jim's neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled chicken again filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors.

He rushed over to Jim's place clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him.

When he arrived he stopped dead in his tracks and watched in amazement.

There stood Jim, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grill, saying : "You were born a chicken you were raised a chicken but now you're a salmon."

Funny Religious Posters

What Is Easter?

Three guys who were not the brightest sparks in the universe, died at the same time, and are standing waiting in line at the pearly gates of heaven.

St. Peter tells them that they can enter through the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first man, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."

"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third man and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.

"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and he was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and was stabbed in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and he was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

The man then adds, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."

Church Bulletins

Church bulletins like anything else can be full of spelling mistakes and other common grammatical errors. Here are some wonderful examples:

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

This afternoon services will be held at the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

The Little Mothers Club will meet at 5 p.m. Thursday. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Next week we will take a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet should come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement today.

A bean supper will be held on Thursday evening. Music will follow.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Origin Of The Jokes

A Disclaimer On The Copyright Of These Jokes

Sometimes people ask me "Where did you get these jokes?", and with copyright and plagiarism being rife on the internet these days I honestly can't say that I came up with them, although I did re-write some in the process of creating this page.

I have run a jokes and humor mailing list since the late 1990s, and most of the jokes that I use on my lenses have been circulating via email for years, and via word of mouth and other means for donkeys years before that. Some I even heard when I was a boy, and I bet they weren't new then either.

In most cases nobody knows who started a joke, or who has any ownership of a funny story. If I have used something that you know to be copyrighted, please let me know, and I will be pleased to credit it appropriately or to remove it if that is preferred.

Meantime, let's get back to the business of making people laugh...

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    • profile image

      dellgirl 3 years ago

      "You were born a chicken you were raised a chicken but now you're a salmon." ... This cracked me up!!!!! Thanks for the laughs.

    • TonyPayne profile image
      Author

      Tony Payne 4 years ago from Southampton, UK

      @julieannbrady: I hope your prayers get answered. I would love a decent lottery win.

    • profile image

      julieannbrady 4 years ago

      Love The Pearly Gates one - lately, I too have been doing a lot of praying - expecting a silken robe.

    • profile image

      neoglitch17 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Hey, that's actually a great idea!! Mormons. Genova's witnesses. Prepare your bodies... xD

    • Lady Lorelei profile image

      Lorelei Cohen 4 years ago from Canada

      All that I can say is that I sure hope that I don't have to see the pearly gates for some years to come yet. Lol...avoiding meeting St. Peter.

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