My Favorite One-Liners
A Collection of One-Liner Jokes
List Number 1
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Is it possible that oysters don't give to charities because they are shellfish?
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
AOL for Dummies" is kind of redundant, don't you think?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Streakers *repant* your end is in sight.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...
A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop.
Age and knowledge don't always come together. Sometimes you just get the age...
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.-Steven Wright
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.Be alert - the world needs more lerts.
One Liners from Amazon
Stewart Francis 1 Liners..............
Standup comedian Stewart Francis is the master of the "One Liner" as you will see here:
I was wondering why a frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets......and then it hit me.....
I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it....
I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslectic......
My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me "Son.......
I really like what mechanics wear.....overall.....
I don't think I got the job at Microsoft....they didn't respond to my telegram.......
I used to be a mime.....but now I can talk about it......
I manufactured clown shoes.....which was no small feat...........
What is the big deal about train spotters.......I counted 27 of the losers today........
I want to write a mystery novel.......or do I?.......
I was a trapeze artist.....but I was let go........
also was a trampoline salesman....off and on.....
I failed math so many times, I can't even count........
Regarding my family....I'm the youngest of three....my parents are both older.......
You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia.......
I quit my job at the helium gas factory....I refuse to be spoken to in that tone....
I have mixed-race parents.....my father prefers 100 meters.....
My father is schizophrenic, but he's good people.......
Unfortunately for agoraphobics, a cure is just around the corner.
My wife and I have decided we don't want children. If anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.
I did a show last night for a group of backpackers. They were sitting on the edge of their seats....
I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow.
And even though I'm proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we're not as close as we appear.
My girlfriend thinks I'm very mature. She also thinks I'm incapable of being faithful. My wife, on the other hand...
I'm not a very competitive person. I'm always the first to say it.
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
Stewart Francis Video 1
Give Me More....please....
The pollen count......now that's a difficult job
What's that up the road? A head?
Today's subliminal thought is:
Ways to Relieve Stress #10. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
Question: What goes 'clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG'? Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.
If I repeatedly stab my cornflakes does that make me a cereal killer?
"They say that guns don't kill people, people kill people. But I think the guns help."
Eddie Izzard" It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake."
Chris AddisonIf you want a pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
Ladies that live in glass houses should dress in the basement....
"The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away."
Daddy, Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?
The Atheist Society is a non-prophet organization.
A man who thinks he is smarter than his wife, has a very smart wife!
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
It's not the minutes spent at the table that makes one fat...it's the seconds.
and Perhaps Even More......
Definition of a pickle: A cucumber soured by a jarring experience.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.
...If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while loading the dishwasher or vacuuming the living room carpet....
A balanced diet is a chocolate cupcake in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape....
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so certain about that.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
So I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't come on Tuesdays."
A day without sunshine is kinda like, uhhhh, night.
Brain cells come and go, but fat cells are eternal.
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Stewart Francis Video 2
© 2010 John Norman Stewart