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My Favorite One-Liners

Updated on December 13, 2014

A Collection of One-Liner Jokes

I've been compiling a list of 1-liner humor for some time now. I think that it is one of my favorite comedy formats. Also, one liners are easier to remember than funny stories....so they are easier to share with others. I hope you enjoy these.

Be sure to check out My-Favorite-One-Liners-Part-2 when you get a chance.....:)

Some One-Liners

List Number 1


The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Is it possible that oysters don't give to charities because they are shellfish?

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

AOL for Dummies" is kind of redundant, don't you think?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Streakers *repant* your end is in sight.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...

A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop.

Age and knowledge don't always come together. Sometimes you just get the age...

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.-Steven Wright

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.Be alert - the world needs more lerts.

Stewart Francis 1 Liners..............

Standup comedian Stewart Francis is the master of the "One Liner" as you will see here:

I was wondering why a frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets......and then it hit me.....

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it....

I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslectic......

My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me "Son.......

I really like what mechanics wear.....overall.....

I don't think I got the job at Microsoft....they didn't respond to my telegram.......

I used to be a mime.....but now I can talk about it......

I manufactured clown shoes.....which was no small feat...........

What is the big deal about train spotters.......I counted 27 of the losers today........

I want to write a mystery novel.......or do I?.......

I was a trapeze artist.....but I was let go........

also was a trampoline salesman....off and on.....

I failed math so many times, I can't even count........

Regarding my family....I'm the youngest of three....my parents are both older.......

You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia.......

I quit my job at the helium gas factory....I refuse to be spoken to in that tone....

I have mixed-race parents.....my father prefers 100 meters.....

My father is schizophrenic, but he's good people.......

Unfortunately for agoraphobics, a cure is just around the corner.

My wife and I have decided we don't want children. If anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.

I did a show last night for a group of backpackers. They were sitting on the edge of their seats....

I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow.

And even though I'm proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we're not as close as we appear.

My girlfriend thinks I'm very mature. She also thinks I'm incapable of being faithful. My wife, on the other hand...

I'm not a very competitive person. I'm always the first to say it.

Did I already do my deja vu joke?



Stewart Francis Video 1

Give Me More....please....



The pollen count......now that's a difficult job

What's that up the road? A head?

Today's subliminal thought is:

Ways to Relieve Stress #10. Make up a language and ask people for directions.

Question: What goes 'clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG'? Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.

If I repeatedly stab my cornflakes does that make me a cereal killer?

"They say that guns don't kill people, people kill people. But I think the guns help."

Eddie Izzard" It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake."

Chris AddisonIf you want a pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

Ladies that live in glass houses should dress in the basement....

"The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away."

Daddy, Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?

The Atheist Society is a non-prophet organization.

A man who thinks he is smarter than his wife, has a very smart wife!

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

It's not the minutes spent at the table that makes one fat...it's the seconds.

and Perhaps Even More......



Definition of a pickle: A cucumber soured by a jarring experience.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.

...If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while loading the dishwasher or vacuuming the living room carpet....

A balanced diet is a chocolate cupcake in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape....

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so certain about that.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

So I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't come on Tuesdays."

A day without sunshine is kinda like, uhhhh, night.

Brain cells come and go, but fat cells are eternal.

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.



Stewart Francis Video 2

© 2010 John Norman Stewart

Comments from Gigglers Anonymous

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    • delia-delia profile image

      Delia 2 years ago

      Ha - ha - ha! I love to laugh, these are cute and funny..thanks for sharing!

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @Cynthia Haltom: Thanks Chaltom: Glad you liked the lens. :)

    • Cynthia Haltom profile image

      Cynthia Haltom 4 years ago from Diamondhead

      Cute and cleaver

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @cbarkett: Thanks for dropping by the lens. Glad that you enjoyed it. :)

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      cbarkett 4 years ago

      great collection, nice to see them all in one place

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @anonymous: Hi and thanks for coming by the lens. I especially like jokes that make you think a little... :)

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Daddy, Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean? :D ... this one is the best. Great lens.

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @Aunt-Mollie: Hi Aunt-Mollie: Laughing is a good thing. I'm really glad that you visited the lens and enjoyed it. Have a great afternoon...:)

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      Aunt-Mollie 4 years ago

      These are priceless. I needed a good laugh today.

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @BLouw: They seem to have a million of them....thanks for coming by the lens. :)

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      Barbara Walton 4 years ago from France

      How do they think them up? Made me smile.

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @ismeedee: Thanks for spending time on the lens. We need to get those little endorphins running around our bodies. Have a happy day! :)

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @anonymous: Appreciate your dropping by the lens. One liners are easier to remember also.....Have a great day. :)

    • Blonde Blythe profile image

      Blonde Blythe 4 years ago

      Hilarious lens! What a great way to start the day! Thanks so much for liking, commenting on, and blessing my Margaret Keane lens. I really appreciate it! :)

    • ismeedee profile image

      ismeedee 4 years ago

      Where did the past half and hour go??? Hahaha, these were fun and we do need more laughter in our lives! Excellent lens!

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thanks for the laughs! I think my favorite humor is observational and love them when they're in one-liners.

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @Blonde Blythe: Hi there: Appreciate your stopping by and for the nice comment. Have a wonderful day! :)

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @Brite-Ideas: Hi there: Thanks for dropping by the lens. Appreciate your liking it. Have a terrific weekend. John

    • Brite-Ideas profile image

      Barbara Tremblay Cipak 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      These are great, loved the Pollen Count one,,,LOL!

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @Nancy Hardin: Hi - I'm older than you think. I grew up listening to Jack Benny on the radio and Milton Berle on our first little TV screen. Thanks for liking and commenting on the lens. You are an amazing lens master. :)

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      Nancy Carol Brown Hardin 4 years ago from Las Vegas, NV

      This is a fun lens, gave me some good laughs tonight. One-liners have always been a comic's mainstay; do you remember Henny Youngman, "take my wife....please!" and even Milton Berle and Jack Benny, but of course they were all before your time I bet. Thanks for the fun!

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      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @mrknowitall54321: Thanks - glad you liked it... :)

    • mrknowitall54321 profile image

      mrknowitall54321 4 years ago

      Great lens, I like the use of the videos in this lens. Well done.

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @tomoxby: Hi there. Laughing is so good for us in so many ways. Thanks for coming by to check out the lens. :)

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      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @MartiLawrence: Hi Marti: Glad you came by to enjoy the lens. Appreciate the comment! :)

    • siobhanryan profile image

      siobhanryan 4 years ago

      I needed a laugh and i sure got one

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @siobhanryan: Hi there SHR: Glad you enjoyed the lens. Appreciate the comment. :)

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      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @tfsherman lm: Sorry for the late reply - but really happy that you can use these for your eggs. Glad that you enjoyed the lens :)

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      tomoxby 4 years ago

      Great humour, got me laughing. Thanks for the one liners.

    • MartiLawrence profile image

      Marti Lawrence 4 years ago from Grain Valley, Missouri

      Great jokes! Thanks for the laughs!

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @Thamisgith: You are very welcome :)

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @anonymous: I totally agree and he is my favorite one-liner type of comedian. Thanks for looking at the lens! :)

    • tfsherman lm profile image

      tfsherman lm 4 years ago

      These are great! I like to fill Easter eggs with knock knock jokes and a pumpkin basket with Halloween jokes at my library -- jokes for literacy! These one-lines will be a big improvement when I steal them for my April Fool's Day collection. Thanks a bunch!

    • Melissa Miotke profile image

      Melissa Miotke 5 years ago from Arizona

      This was really funny!

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      Stewart Francis is a genius! I follow him on Twitter and he comes up with a funny new one-liner every five minutes, all day.

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      Thamisgith 5 years ago

      Thanks for the laugh.

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      John Norman Stewart 5 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @imlifestyle: Hi Bill: Thanks for dropping by the blog. Glad you enjoyed it :)

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 5 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @RetroMom: Hi RetroMom: Thanks for the comments....glad you liked the blog. :)

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      John Norman Stewart 5 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @anonymous: Thanks for stopping by....appreciate it.

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      John Norman Stewart 5 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @FrenchieZeus: Thanks Frenchie - glad you came by.....:)

    • RetroMom profile image

      RetroMom 5 years ago

      I love your one liners. They made me laugh. Thanks.

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      imlifestyle 5 years ago

      Very funny stuff, Thanks for laugh..

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      These are too funny. I love them. Thank you making me laugh.

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      FrenchieZeus 5 years ago

      so funny :D loved your lens!

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      John Norman Stewart 5 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @kathysart: Hi Kathy: Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks again....:) John

    • kathysart profile image

      kathysart 5 years ago

      pretty darn funny.. thanks for the laughs!

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      John Norman Stewart 5 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @Laniann: Glad you liked the lens......thanks for the visit :)

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      Laniann 5 years ago

      I watched your videos - nice little break. I like this cartoon line "I didn't say anything. That was yesterday."

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      John Norman Stewart 5 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @SaikoNinja: Hey, I'm glad you came by to check out the lens. Appreciate it! :)

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      SaikoNinja 5 years ago from ???????Fuji Japan

      What a great way to spend some time. Watched the video too, Classic!

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 6 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @Truthteller: Hello Truthteller: Thanks for stopping by my lens....appreciate it. :)

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      John Norman Stewart 6 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @ellagis: Hi Ellagis: Thanks for spending some time on my lens.....glad you enjoyed it. :)

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      Truthteller 6 years ago

      How To Seduce Life.... www.howtoseducelife.blogspot.com

      Good philosophical thought with a good measure of humor mixed in.

    • ellagis profile image

      ellagis 6 years ago

      Thank you for giving me some minutes of real fun!!!! Loved your lens!

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 6 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @Bella Stella: Hey there, thanks for looking at and enjoying my lens. Have a wonderful and enjoyable weekend.....:) John

    • Bella Stella profile image

      Bella Stella 6 years ago

      This is great! The most amusing lens I have ever read. I was smiling during all that time I was readingf it. I enjoyed it very much. Thank you for creating it!

    • sidther lm profile image

      sidther lm 6 years ago

      I love this lens! I had to feature it!

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      John Norman Stewart 6 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @KimGiancaterino: Hi Kim: I agree, it's hard to beat Gary Larson......:) Thanks for stopping by....

    • KimGiancaterino profile image

      KimGiancaterino 6 years ago

      Thanks for the laughs. I always enjoy twisted humor in the style of Gary Larson.

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      John Norman Stewart 6 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @Linda Pogue: My pleasure, GrammaLinda - thanks for checking out the lens.....smiles :) John

    • Linda Pogue profile image

      Linda Pogue 6 years ago from Missouri

      Thanks! I needed a laugh and a smile. You provided both.

    • jnstewart profile image
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      John Norman Stewart 6 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @aesta1: Hi Aesta1: Thanks for liking and commenting on my 1-Liner Lens. Have a great week! John

    • aesta1 profile image

      Mary Norton 6 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Love one liners...they make me think witty. The ones you placed here are worth reading.

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      John Norman Stewart 6 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @BeaGabrielle1: Hi Bea_Gabrielle: I'm happy that it made you happy........:) Thanks for visiting the lens. John

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      BeaGabrielle1 6 years ago

      LOL! Thanks for making me smile!

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      John Norman Stewart 6 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @JoyfulPamela2: Thanks Pamela: It's the only kind of joke that I can remember :)

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      JoyfulPamela2 6 years ago from Pennsylvania, USA

      Love it ... my kind of lol's!

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      John Norman Stewart 6 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @Tagsforkids: Thanks tagsforkids: Me too.......have a great Christmas! :)

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      John Norman Stewart 6 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @anonymous: Thanks Raphaelo: Hope you are enjoying the holidays.......:)

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      Tagsforkids 6 years ago

      Great collection of one-liners. I always enjoy a good groaner! :)

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      anonymous 6 years ago

      Very Happy here! Love all your presentation. Happy Holiday!