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My Favorite One-Liners - Part 2

Updated on December 13, 2014

A Horse Walks Into a Bar...............

Humor seems to be needed in these times, so I thought that I'd better get to work and build another funny lens. I hope that you enjoy looking through it. You will notice a few Gary Larson images here. He has always been my favorite cartoonist, doing great work that makes you think and then laugh. Enjoy the lens......John

GROUP ONE: - I used to be Indecisive, but now I'm not sure if I am or not.......

Group One




I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Some good advice: Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

I used to be indecisive. but now I'm not sure.

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A suicidal man jumping out of a 90 story window was heard saying on the way down: "So far, so good....

"I am extremely modest and proud of it!

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

A flashlight is really a special container for holding dead, corroded batteries....

Please remember that you are completely unique.....just like everybody else.

A bartender could be compared to a filling station attendant.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

GROUP TWO: - Corduroy Pillows: They're making headlines. News at 11.

Group Two



All generalizations are true, except for this one....

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! News at 11.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Did anybody find my lost GPS navigator?

Eagles my soar, but snakes don't get sucked into jet engines....

Duct tape is like the Force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Do you ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?

Did you ever wonder how Teflon sticks to the pan?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

I just got lost in thought. It was scary and unfamiliar territory.

I recently took an IQ test and the results came back negative.....


GROUP THREE: - Can a Cat Be Scared To Death 9 Times?.

Group Three



I once poured Spot remover on my dog. He disappeared.

If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?

It's best not to do card tricks in front of your poker buddies....

Who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I plan to be spontaneous, as soon as I get around to it....

Smith & Wesson: It's the brand for the original point and click interface.

It is true that some people drink at the fountain of knowledge and others just gargle....

Consider donating to the bacteria fund. It's the only culture some people have.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The shortest distance between two points is constantly under construction....

A Starbucks addict was diagnosed with too much blood in his caffeine system.

Very funny Scotty - now please beam up my clothes.......

Einstein's theory: Where there's a large will, there are a lot of relatives.....

I once called the Psychic Hot Line and they answered "Yes, who is it?

"Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Wanted: A meaningful, overnight relationship.

Can a cat be scared to death 9 times?


GROUP FOUR: - A balanced diet is a large chocolate cake in each hand.

Group Four



Whenever you are in doubt and heavily confused about what you are doing, just do it neatly.

Confucius says: He who laughs last is the slowest thinker.

It is very difficult to listen well when your mouth is moving.....

Honk if you appreciate quietness and serenity....

Honk if you are trying to attract Geese.You might get lucky....

Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?

Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a high price for maturity.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a large chocolate cake in each hand.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.....


Great Stuff on Amazon

One Liner Guestbook Comments

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    • jnstewart profile image
      Author

      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @jnstewart: Didn't answer your question. I found most of these on the Internet and some are from my piano bar days....:)

    • jnstewart profile image
      Author

      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @Aunt-Mollie: Hey you found this one too. It doesn't seem to get as much traffic or comments. Glad you liked it. :)

    • profile image

      Aunt-Mollie 4 years ago

      Wow! Where do you find these? You must have been collecting these for years. Enjoyed.

    • jnstewart profile image
      Author

      John Norman Stewart 4 years ago from Cottonwood, CA

      @anonymous: Appreciate your looking at the lens and glad you enjoyed it. :)

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      These are just as great as part 1. You made my day. Thank you for sharing a laugh