Puns, Puns and MORE Puns
Sleep in another room?
The patient looks at her doctor and begs him to help her. She explains that she snores so loudly that she keeps waking herself up. The doctor says, :"In that case, sleep in another room."
Humor is a funny thing - things that make one person laugh often leave others wondering what the joke was
So, without apologies, the materials here, however, are things that make me laugh.
P.S. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
I first heard this classic when my eldest granddaughter, about ten at the time, asked me if I wanted to hear a story... Fifteen years later, I'm still laughing.
There were three pieces of string wandering in the desert. They were very hot and thirsty. They came upon a bar and one went in. He asked for a drink and the bartender said, 'read the sign buddy we don't serve strings.'
'Oh come on just this once', the string asked again. The bartender said 'nope', so the string left. The second string figured he was a bit better looking and maybe the bartender would soften a little and let him have a drink. He went in and asked for a drink, the bartender shook his head and said 'Hey Buddy, it's just like I told your friend we don't serve strings here.' Dejected, the string left the bar.
The 3rd string heard both these tales of woe and thought for a moment. Then he rolled himself into a knot and fluffed the edges so it was a little fraid. The third string went into the bar like this and asked for a drink.
The bartender asked, 'Hey aren't you a string?' The 3rd string looked down at himself and said 'Nope, I am a frayed knot!'
Watch for these mergers this year!
- Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
- Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
- 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood
- Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
- FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
- Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:Fairwell Honeychild.
- Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
- Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! ...and finally...
- Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
SYNONYMOUS: Almost identical to a mouse
Speaking of Strings...
A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
"Did you know Annie was dating a steer? It's true - I heard it through the bovine."
A Tiger's Got To Watch It's Diet, Too!
A tiger was strolling through the jungle and saw two men sitting quietly under a tree. One of the men was reading a newspaper while the other was pounding away on an old fashioned typewriter.
With a mighty leap, the tiger sprung on the man with the newspaper and devoured him on the spot. The jungle cat didn't bother the guy with the typewriter at all, because all self-respecting tigers know that readers digest, but writers cramp.
Have a Laugh on Us...
Are corduroy pillows making headlines?
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
I invented the Cold Air Balloon, but it never took off.
Take a Gander....
Did you hear the one about the man who swallowed an unplucked goose?
He felt a little down in the mouth.
(Anymore goose puns and we'd have to duck for cover.)
BISON: Farewell my child.
Politics and strange bedfellows...
I find that aldermen are too wooden.
An intellectual is a man who doesn't know how to park a bike. (Spiro T. Agnew, former Vice President)
What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary? (Marion Barry, former Mayor of Washigton, BC)
Random One Liners
Practice safe eating -- use condiments.
A recent report stated that over 50 million Americans are overweight. Those figures, of course, are rounded.
The sign on my optometrist's reads, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place," and my proctologist tells his patients, to please back in to expedite their visits.
When a marathon runner had ill fitting shoes, he suffers the agony of defeat.
The Juggler, 1981, oil on wood, by Michael Parks
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
We miss you, Johnny!
LACTOSE: to be missing some foot digits.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I tried to make the fat football players see the error of their weighs.
Old golfers never die, they just lose their drive.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
"The picture of the horse is good. But where is the wagon?" "Oh, the horse will draw that."
Facts of Life...
He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
A fellow once sat up all night wondering where the sunshine comes from. ... Finally, it dawned on him.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.
A pessimist's blood type is b-negative.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Two wrongs can make a riot.
You Bet Your Life
Did you know William Tell and his family were avid bowlers? It's true. But, unfortunately, a fire destroyed all the league records, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
[An intellectual] is someone who can listen to the "William Tell Overture" without thinking of the Lone Ranger. (John Chesson)
I shot an arrow in the air. Where did it land? Hey I don't care
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
Workaholics are people addicted to work;
Chocaholics are people addicted to chocolate.
Are catholics people who are addicted to cats?
A new shipment of yarn arrived today...my schedule may be a bit tangled.
What did the cat do after he swallowed some cheese?
- He waited by the mouse hole with bated breath.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
- Shredded tweet!
I offered to help a friend of mine trim the fur off his little Yorkie. It was a moment of shear terrier, but it gave him a new leash on life!
"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out."
More One Liners
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery!
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
A gossip is someone with a sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
The apple crossed the street because he wanted to get to the other cider the road.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune.
The moss took a lichen to a tree.
Will the deciduous trees be releaved after a cold winter?
She beat him to the garden by pre-seeding him.
In some conifer forests, you can't cedar wood for the trees.
To termites, a group of dead trees is an arbor eat'um.
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
ARTIFACT: Leonardo Da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa.
I was attacked by a vegan zombie. He wanted to eat my grains.
What does a metal eating zombie say? Chains!
What does a zombie who eats construction equipment say? Cranes.
What does a zombie vampire say? Veins.
Our wonderful bodies
Whoever invented the girdle got a bum wrap.
Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you.
The crowd at the Cannibal's party grew silent when he announced he would be serving finger foods.
I couldn't stand to be without my legs.
Artificial knees and elbows were developed during a joint project.
Most rules of thumb suck.
I don't think I need a spine. It's holding me back.
PARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
COFFEE: The person who is coughed on.
Are you ladies from Scotland?
So, I'm in a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me.
I say, "Cool accents; are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them yells, "It's Wales, you idiot!"
So I said, "OK, are you two Whales from Scotland?"
I don't remember much after that...
THONG: Something a minstrel with a lisp might sing.
If you've got a cherished pun or two hiding in your kit bag, and would like to see them featured here, you're invited to share. When you do, make sure you let me know if it's ok to credit your contribution by using your name.
Pssst: Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.