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Funny Religious Jokes
The Best Religious Jokes In My Extensive Collection
These funny Religious Jokes and Church Jokes are the best ones that I have received from emails or been told by friends over the last 15 years. Religious jokes are very popular these days, and I wanted to share the humor with you. Do you enjoy religious humor too?
I wonder if His Holiness The Pope or the Archbishop Of Canterbury like Religious Jokes too? Do you think that The Pope approves of people telling jokes about the church? How about the Dalai Lama? I like to think that the Dalai Lama can see the funny side of religion. He always looks like he is the kind of person that can.
Religious Jokes can be really funny. It doesn't matter whether they are Church Jokes, Bible Jokes or Baptist Jokes, are something that everybody likes. There are even some really funny Jewish Jokes these days - jokes for just about everyone.
Whenever The Pope makes an official visit to a country, that raises a renewed interest in Pope Jokes of course, and more people than ever before are enjoying Christian Jokes.
Some Religious Jokes can be crude too, which not everyone likes. But... Just for you... this Religious Jokes page features only clean Religious Jokes, suitable for all audiences.
On this Religious Jokes page you will find all types of church humor that shows you the funny side of religion from a lot of different angles. Some religious jokes are totally blasphemous, featuring Jesus, Mary, The Pope, various Vicars, Ministers and Priests, Monks, Nuns, Adam and Eve, Moses and of course the ever popular Bill Clinton or Bill Gates, who in various scenarios either go to Heaven or Hell. You also never know what's in the Family Bible.
There is always something funny happening in Church, Chapel or Temple, whether it's a funny sermon, someone falling asleep in the church congregation, or maybe it's a child's view of religion or God. Church humor is something we all ought to be able to laugh about.
If you look carefully in this lens, you might even find some video clips of farting preachers... And then what about those naughty Monks and Nuns in the Monasteries and Convents - there must be something going on or there wouldn't be any jokes about them would there. We don't even spare the Buddhist Monks here.
Our Religious Jokes are not for everyone - you need to have an open mind to appreciate some of these religious jokes, but they are here for your enjoyment. If you are offended by any type of Religious Joke, please surf elsewhere. But if you are a fun loving person who enjoys looking at life from the funny side, find yourself a pew and make yourself at home.
Origin Of The Jokes
A Disclaimer On The Copyright Of These Jokes
Sometimes people ask me "Where did you get these jokes?", and with copyright and plagiarism being rife on the internet these days I honestly can't say that I came up with them, although I did re-write some in the process of creating this page.
I have run a jokes and humor mailing list since the late 1990s, and most of the jokes that I use on my lenses have been circulating via email for years, and via word of mouth and other means for donkeys years before that. Some I even heard when I was a boy, and I bet they weren't new then either.
In most cases nobody knows who started a joke, or who has any ownership of a funny story. If I have used something that you know to be copyrighted, please let me know, and I will be pleased to credit it appropriately or to remove it if that is preferred.
Meantime, let's get back to the business of making people laugh...
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose - but the fly comes pretty darn close.
The Sunday Sermon
I'm not saying that the sermon was boring, but...
“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Reverend,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”
“I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied.
“It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” insisted the church goer. “Arthur has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”
The Post Office
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied.
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his 1st lady!
That's our story, and we're sticking to it..
Some people are kind, polite and sweet-spirited - until you try to get into their pew.
You Never Know Who Reads These Jokes
Do you know the three times that most people go to church?
When they are hatched, matched and dispatched.
Do you enjoy Religions Jokes?
Quit griping about your church.
If it were perfect - you couldn't belong.
Looking For My Son
One day, Jesus was walking by the Pearly Gates, when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes.
Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach.
He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.
"How did you spend your life on earth my son?" asked Jesus.
"I was a simple carpenter for sixty years" replied the old man.
"And what do you hope to find here in heaven" asked Jesus.
"I hope to find my son" said the man
"Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will you find him?"
"I'll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet," states the old man.
Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says, "Father???"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"
Angela was nearing 60 and was in her final year of teaching.
She was a devout Christian who missed teaching from the Bible.
Because she was worried at how little her class knew about religion, Angela decided she was going to disregard the new regulations and teach some religion.
She told her class that she would run a contest. She would give $50 to whoever could tell her who was the greatest man who ever lived.
Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand, but Angela ignored him in favor of those in her Sunday school class.
As she went around the room, Angela was disappointed with the answers she got.
Jane, her best scholar, picked Noah because he saved all the animals.
Others said, "I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the Great because he conquered the whole world." and "I think it was Thomas Edison, because he invented the light bulb."
Finally, she called on Moishe who still had his hand in the air.
"I think the greatest man who ever lived was Jesus Christ." said Moishe.
Angela was shocked but still gave him the $50 reward.
As she did so, she said, "Well, Moishe, I'm very surprised that you should be the only one with the right answer. How come?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," Moishe replied as he pocketed the money, "I think it was Moses, but business is business."
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean "
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
The Bible Speaks
A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble.
His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.
As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the Rabbi said, “Here’s what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water’s edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do.”
A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him.
The man was in a new custom- tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining.
The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. “You did as I suggested?” he asked.
“Absolutely,” replied the businessman.
“You went to the beach?”
“You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?”
“You let the pages rifle until they stopped?”
“And what were the first words you saw?”
Automated Catholic Confession
Omazing Grace At A Funeral - This is about as funny a rendition that you can imagine - and then some...
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed?"
The Golden Gate Funeral Home - I Never Looked This Good Before...
The Creation Story According To Dave Allen - Dave Allen puts his unique twist on the story of Adam And Eve
Welcome To Hell - This is a hilarious stand up routine featuring Rowan Atkinson (best known for his roles as Mr. Bean and Blackadder) about welcoming newcomers
Vineyard Of The Lord
A young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field.
Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
Purity Baptist Church - Where the preacher and congregation attend nude to recreate conditions in the Garden of Eden.
Jesus And Satan
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with Heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work..
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged his shoulders and said, "JESUS SAVES"
A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, [100-legged bug], which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again.
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But, again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord???"
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS
A little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time!! I'm putting on my shoes."
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.
I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read:
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
The Life Of Brian
The ultimate blasphemous religious movie from the Monty Python team, portraying the life and times of "Brian", who was born in Nazareth at the same time as Jesus and was frequently mistaken for him. The church tried to ban it when it first came out, but now it's a classic comedy and highly recommended viewing.
Quiet In Church
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church.
They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $100"
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign.
His friend turns to him and says,
"Murray, what's going on?"
"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."
Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"
Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."
With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church. Twenty minutes later he walks out with his head bowed.
"So," asks Abe, "did you get your hundred dollars?"
Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think
What Might Have Happened On Noah's Ark
Safety In Church
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
A Strange Noise
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk".
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk".
The man sets about his task.
Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, "I have travelledd the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284, 232 blades of grass and 231,281,219, 999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth".
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound".
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "the sound is right behind that door".
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, gold, and so on...
Finally, the monks say, "this is the key to the last door".
The man is relieved no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. . . . .
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
HEY DON'T SWEAR AT ME COS I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT ME THIS !!
A man was struck down by a bus on a very busy street.
As he was lying near death after being pulled up onto the sidewalk, a crowd of spectators began to gather around him.
"My God, a priest. Somebody get a priest!" the critically injured man gasped.
A policeman checked the crowd, and yelled out, "Is anyone here a priest?"
Out of the large crowd stepped a little old man of at least 80-years-of-age.
"Mr. Policeman," said the old man, "I'm not a priest or even a preacher, I'm not even a Christian. But for 50-years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, in fact, most of it. So, maybe I can be of some comfort and assistance to this poor injured man here?"
The policeman agreed and cleared the crowd away so the old man could get through to where the injured man was lying.
The old fellow knelt down beside him, leaned over him, and said in a solemn voice...
"B-4, I-19, N-38, G-54, 0-72"
My Wife Is Poisoning Me
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "I'm sure you're wrong."
The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."
"Take the poison!"
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Englishman. "They must be English."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are
A minister's son had just got his driving permit.
He asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
About a month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.
They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
The Stray Dog
A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group had surrounded a dog.
Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback.
"You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed.
He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute.
Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
Don't You Just Love Church Signs
The Lost Chapter Of Genesis
A number of new inscribed tablets were found in Iraq following the invasion, and recently some of these have been translated and found to be missing sections from the creation story in the Book of Genesis. This is one excerpt from the new chapters...
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history..
The Dead Sparrow
A group of children found a dead sparrow.
Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they found a small box and some cotton wool, dug a hole in the back yard, and made ready to dispose of the deceased.
The minister's 5-year-old son was chosen to say the prayer.
And so with great dignity, he intoned, "Glory be to the Father... and unto the Son... and into the hole he goes."
The Tidal Wave
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach.
He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where her grandson was wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he had been swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: Lord, my GOD, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I
given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"
A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach.
As the water recedes, the boy is standing there He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
In The Family Bible
Visiting his grandparents, a small boy opened the big family Bible.
He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out.
He picked it up and found that it was an old leaf that had been pressed flat between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," he called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked."
With astonishment in his voice, the boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
The Ten Commandments
Many centuries ago, God came down to earth, went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments that will help you live better lives."
The Germans ask, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord says, "Rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?" said the Germans.
God says, "Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So God went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments..."
The Italians wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Next the Lord went to the French saying, "I have Commandments..."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
And the French were not interested either.
God then went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments..."
"Commandments," said the Jews, "How much are they?"
"Perfect. We'll take 10."
The Priest And The Pilot
A Catholic Priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Alex Jones, a retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas, Texas."
Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the priest's turn.
He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Joe McTiernan, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter again consults his list.
He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
"Up here we go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you preached - - people slept; when he flew - - people prayed."
New York Lawyer
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
The Family Bible
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
Where Did We Come From?
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and that's how all mankind was made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys, from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She just picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
"The curlers are on me."
Driving In India
A Buddhist Monk was driving in India when suddenly a dog crosses the road.
The car hit and killed the dog.
The Buddhist Monk looked around and seeing a temple, went to knock on the door.
A monk opened the door.
The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry, but my karma ran over your dogma."
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
The Preacher's New Glasses
A preacher went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing a pair of new bifocals.
The reading portion of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn't work so well. In fact he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them.
He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were causing problems.
"I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses," he said. "You see when I look down I can see fine, but when I look at you, it makes me sick."
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor.
After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor.
"Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the
panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
The Old Lady And The Atheist
There was a little old lady who stepped onto her front porch every morning, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted; "PRAISE THE LORD".
One day an atheist moved into the house next door.
He became irritated at the little old lady.
Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her
and yell; "There is no Lord!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.
One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted "There is no Lord, I bought those groceries!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD! He has provided me with groceries and made the Devil pay for them!"
A Nasty Injury
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers which had been answered.
A lady stood up and came forward.
She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum."
Mind Your Own Business
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend , or deny... He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his truck in front of Mildred's house... Walked home.. And left it there all night.
You've got to love his way of thinking....
Believing In The Bible
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.
One time she was sitting next to a man.
When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After a while he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do it is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." Replied the lady.
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW IPOD..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied,
"No, but Grandma is!"
Where Is Jesus?
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real.
He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"
The Race Track
George loves the racetrack and love betting on the horses.
One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this Priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.
George was most interested to see what the Priest did the next race.
Sure enough, he watched the Priest step out onto the track as the 5th racehorses lined up and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though another long shot, the horse the Priest had blessed won the race.
George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.
The Priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won!
George was elated.
As the day went on, the Priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first.
George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and anointed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
George placed his bet every cent he owned - and watched the horse come in dead last.
George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the Priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!"
The Priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants ... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites....................
One morning a crippled man came into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his backside over by the holy water," the boy informed him.
They Won't Let Me In
A dog had followed his owner to school.
His owner was a Fourth grader at a public elementary school.
However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and shoo'ed him outside, closing the door behind him.
The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors.
Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said, "Don't feel bad fella. They won't let ME in either."
Learning To Spell
My son, Mitchell, who is in kindergarten, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: "G"-"O"-"D."
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.
"Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"
Today You Are Staff
One day, while walking down the street, a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and killed. Her soul arrived up in Heaven, where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem - just let me in, said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven, and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules," said St. Peter, and with that, he put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club, and standing in front of her were all of her friends-fellow executives with whom she had worked. They were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf, and that night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually a really nice guy (and kinda cute). She had a great time telling jokes and dancing. In fact, she was having such a good time, that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back at the Pearly Gates, where she found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time, and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up.
St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second, and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened, she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all of my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."
The Children's Illustrated Bible
Marriage In Heaven
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When Saint Peter shows up, they asked him.
Saint Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking some what bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" Saint Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
And It Was So
In The beginning...
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you will lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 30." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are a Dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
And the dog responded, " Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are a Monkey. You will swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded, "Lord, to be a Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry. Then, in his old age, to live the 10 years as a monkey, acting like a fool to amuse his grandchildren.
And it was so.
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to email the 5% who were good because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going
Do you know what the email said?
Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either........
A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Children And The Bible
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)
In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".
It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
The Pastor And The Bear
It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains.
As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided.
The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit.
Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.
As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian."
Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive."
Religious Joke Books
Other Religious Joke Sites On The Web
These are some of the other sources on the web for Religious Jokes. Some of these have kindly linked to us, so please if you have time visit their sites as well.
- The Best Religious Jokes Collection
Hundreds of the funniest Religious Jokes and Church Jokes
- The Laughline
The Laughline has thousands of the best jokes, funny videos and pictures, and some funny real life stories as well.
- Funny Religious Jokes and Humorous Stories about Religion
Religious Jokes and lots of others on this site
- The Jokes Gallery - Clean Religious Jokes
A whole bunch of clean religious jokes
- Religious Jokes from Aha Jokes
A good collection of Religious jokes and much more
- Will & Guy's Religious Jokes
Some good Religious Jokes
- Clean Funny Christian Jokes and Religious Humor
Nice site with a good collection of clean religious jokes
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