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Funny Dating Jokes and Anecdotes
Dating Jokes and Relationship Humour
Dating and relationships are a source of great jokes and anecdotes and that's a fact!
The purpose of this squidoo is to share as many of the funniest dating jokes and anecdotes as I can find. I have added some of what I believe to be the more funnier ones that I have come across so far. I will continue to add more as I find them.
Do you know any better jokes? If you do free feel to post your joke, really funny anecdotes, favorite chat up lines or funny real life dating story to our guestbook which is situated towards bottom of the page. Lets have our visitors leaving with a smile on their face.
See Also Ten Interesting Facts
Dating Jokes - Genie in a bottle
One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
Dating Jokes - Dumb Girlfriend
Girl calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over, I need help urgently! I bought a jigsaw puzzle, and I can't even start it.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The girlfriend replies, "According to the picture on the box, it's a big chicken."
Her boyfriend hurries over to find the puzzle spread over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box.
Turning to his girlfriend he says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a chicken"
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then" he sighs, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box"
Awomen suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough, when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Overcome with grief, she put the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screamed, "Honey, don't do it..."
The women yelled back, "Shut up! You're next!"
Ten Interesting Dating Facts
Mirroring someone's body language, often impresses a date because it subtly suggests interest to the other person.
Last than 10% of what he a man says makes up a womens first impression of him.
Four out of 10 workplace dating relationships result in marriage.
Bad breath and bad teeth are an instant turn-off for most potential dates.
On average, daters will kiss on the second date.
Psychologists have concluded thst most people make a decision regarding a person's attraction within three seconds of meeting.
In the U.S the third week in September is National Singles Week.
Even before a man speaks, the way he stands counts for over 80% of woman's first impression.
The biggest date blunder is showing up late.
Italian food is one of the most popular restaurants for a first date.
Dating Jokes - Night of passion
Shortly after a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation.
Dating Anecdotes - Sexy mother inlaw
Iwas really happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that as my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.
One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the
front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car...
Dating Jokes - Secretaries
One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the watercooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?" "Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress". "What should I do?" asked Gloria. Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."
Dating Jokes - Shy guy
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
Funny Dating Videos - Sheikh Hassan is looking for love. Or at least obedience
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen - Actor and Director
Future Mother Inlaw
Tony excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. Tony says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancÃ©e, and you have to try to guess which one I'm going to marry."
The next day, Tony brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing! You're right, how did you know?"
His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "I don't like her."
When You Know You Were Drunk The Night Before - Men
Be Sure to Carry Your Lantern
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"
Back of the car
Boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should ave mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.
The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25
Men and Boyfriend Jokes
Men are like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to batter them, and a spade to bury them.
Her boyfriend is so stupid, when they were handing out brains he thought they said trains, so he asked for a slow one.
My boyfriend is so fat, when they were handing out chins he thought then said gins, so he asked for a double.
My boyfriend only has two faults - everything he says and everything he does!
Yeah, my boyfriend and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole."
It was a Saturday evening and Joseph and his wife, Ann, had just gotten into their third argument of the day and both were now giving each other the "silent treatment," vowing not to be the first one to speak.
However, at bedtime, Joseph realized that he would need his wife, who always awoke at 4:30am to wake him at 5:00am to get ready for an early morning golf session with his buddies. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and thus lose the "battle"), Joseph wrote on a piece of paper,
"Ann, please wake me at 5:00am."
The next morning, Joseph woke up at 9am, having missed his tee time with his friends. Furious, Joseph was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paperon his nightstand. The note read,
"Joseph, it's 5:00am. Wake up
Young lady cames home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is
The Best and Worst Chat Up Lines and Put Downs
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore"
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Well, I guess you really don't belong in the men's toilets anyway.
Can I have a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
I may not be Fred Flinstone, but can still make your Bedrock
Wow! You must be a parking ticket cuz you've got" Fine! Fine!! Fine!" written all over you!
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.
Wow, your legs must be really tired because you have been running through my mind all night!
Man: If I were to rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
Woman: Yeah?! Well, if I were to rearrange the alphabet I would put F and U together.
Get my point?!
Man: "Would you like to dance"?
Woman: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you"
Man:I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants".
He: Would you like to dance?
She: Not with you.
He: Oh, come on, lower your standards a little. I did.
Do you believe in love at first sight? or do you think i should walk past again?
You're ugly but you intrigue me.
Do you have plans for the rest of your life?
Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
Funny Dating Vidoes - Ye olde pickup lines of oblivion
Computer Dating and Dating Agencies
Hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications.
He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.
The computer operated faultlessly.
It sent him a penguin.
Dating Jokes - Meet the parents Jokes
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating some peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asks a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter comes home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's friend says he could get the peanut out. The young man tells the father to sit down, then immediately shoves two fingers up the father's nose and tells him to blow real hard.
When the father does as instructed, the peanut comes flying out across the room. The mother and daughter jump and yell for joy. The young man insists that it was nothing, but both women think he is a hero and deserves a reward. So, the daughter takes the honored guest to the kitchen for a bite to eat.
Once he was gone for the evening, the mother turns to the father and says, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be in a few years?"
The father replies, "From the smell on his fingers... our son in-law!"
Girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Of course, the boy is ecstatic.
He takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy patiently. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for your to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
Time passes, and MORE time. Finally the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." He hisses back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
Date my daughters
There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.
This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck . . ." And the farmer shot him.
Find That Perfect Date
Desperate for companionship a lady took out an ad in the local paper. It read: "I need a man who won't beat me up...won't run away with other women, but he's gotta be great in bed". The next day the doorbell rang, and she found a quadriplegic on her doorstep. "You have no arms" she said... he answered: "I won't beat you" "you have no legs" she protested... he said "I won't run away with other women!" Embarrassed she inquired: "How can you be great in bed?" His answer: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I
Married Bliss or Not!
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.
"Jake," she said.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted.
"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"
Full Dating Videos - Dating Misfortunates or Losers Which Ever You Prefer
An unemployed man went to the social security office to apply for unemployment benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing thick curly hair. She says, "That manly hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his benefit application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his girlfriend about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
Out to Impress
One sunny afternoon, two guys are on the beach, trying to impress the ladies.
First guy: " I m not having much luck with the women here, pal"
Second guy: "try putting a potato down in your swimming trunks. The babes will love that!
First Guy a couple of hours later: "Hey man. I tried that potato trick you told me about and it seems like I,m getting shunned worst than ever before.
Second Guy: Looking him over "uh trying putting the potato down The FRONT of your trunks mate!"
When You Know Your Were Dunk the Night Before - Women
Aman and his Girlfriend are dining at a table in a posh restaurant, and the boyfriend keeps staring at a drunken woman swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the girlfriend asks,
"Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the boyfriend, "my ex. She took to drinking right after we split seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the girlfriend, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Reasons to Break Up
Over drinks one afternoon two guys were talking about former "loves". Steven told Peter that he once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment. Peter said, "Steven, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against people with handicaps. What was the girl's problem?" Taking a sip, Steven paused and reflected. "Well when it came to other guys she couldn't say 'No'."
An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF ***
There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
Choosing The Right Man
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Gift For a Sweetheart
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
Adam and Eve
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on Adam, but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well Adam, No. I did that so that she could love you."
A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.
"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.
Dating Anecdote - High School Sweethearts
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
Relationship Advice for Your Daughters
1. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander, it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same, they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do it yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal
More Funny Stuff
Dating Anecdotes - The Most Embarrassing First Date Ever
Fact or fiction, you decide.
It was midwinter ... snowing and quite cold... and a guy was taking a girl skiing at Lake Arrowhead. It was there first date, a day trip, no overnight, they were strangers after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand newproblem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "What is taking so long?" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
Short Dating Jokes
I must admit, since we have been going out you've brought religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
God Will Provide
The relationship between a young couple who met on a religious online dating service began to blossom and soon the two were engaged.
So one day the young woman, whose folks were loaded, took her fiancee' home to meet her parents. The mother had instructed her husband before they arrived to be sure to pull the young man aside to learn more about him. So after dinner, the father asked the young man to join him in his study where he proceeds to ask him several questions.
"What are your plans for life?" the father asked..
"I am a religious scholar," the young man replied.
"A religious scholar. Hmmmm," the father responded."That's admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," came the response. "And God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied. "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir," replied the young man. "God will provide."
To every question the young man simply responded that God would provide.
After the two had left, the mother quickly inquired about the talk.
"How did it go?" she asked.
The father responded:
"The bad news is, he has no job and no plans. However, the good news is he thinks I'm God."
Prince Charming Looking For His Perfect Bride
Prince Charming as you would expect was an extraordinarily handsome man he decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. He searched up and down the land to no avail. No women he found was perfect enough. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The prince dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the prince's opinion.
"Well" said the prince, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the prince date one of the other girls; so the prince went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the prince replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the prince rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
Brad had a blind date with Ashley for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That's something I have never done before," Ashley replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Brad was amazed.
"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"
Making the Right Choices
Aguy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money. The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank. The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank. Which one does he end up marrying?
A: The one with the biggest boobs.
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