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Puns And Jokes - The Best Of The Best

Updated on October 31, 2010

Puns Are Fun!

As a kid I grew up in a house filled with puns and word plays that would make me laugh and my mother groan. My Dad and Grandad would have battles to see who could throw out the worst word play joke and could go on for hours! I wanted to take some of the best ones and share them with the world. Please vote for your favorite puns and add them to the list. I want to create a list that will really help to give people a good laugh, groan or smile.

Round 1 - 20 Puns

Some puns and jokes about life in general.

Gravity is a myth; Earth sucks.

I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit.

Some people are wise, and some, otherwise.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

"The picture of the horse is good. But where is the wagon?" "Oh, the horse will draw that."

Be kind to your dentist - even a dentist has fillings.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

With everything you read about spray cans and the ozone layer it's enough to scareosol to death.

Many campaign promises are sound. Just sound!

I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids!

Support your right to bear arms - wear short sleeves.

Getting 'cold feet' at your wedding is a medical illness, aka groomatism.

A boy entered 10 puns in a contest, hoping at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.

I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.

I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.

What did the toy store sign say? Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.

Books on Puns From Amazon - Amazon has some great references for puns - Sure to give you a laugh!

Take a look at some of the pun books below - they're a great way to increase your knowledge of puns and jokes!

Get Thee to a Punnery: An Anthology of Intentional Assaults Upon the English Language - Richard Lederer

If you love puns then Richard Lederer's Get Thee To a Punnery is a must read book. Stuffed with more word play than you can handle and a masterpiece of the English language. Lederer is often a feature on NPR and a world authority on his own intellectual brand of off-beat humor. Its worth getting your copy today before National pun week arrives in early January!

Get Thee to a Punnery: An Anthology of Intentional Assaults Upon the English Language
Get Thee to a Punnery: An Anthology of Intentional Assaults Upon the English Language

The Pun Is Mightier Than The Sword...

Richard Lederer has great puns. And you don't have to take vows to enjoy them. Just Get Thee To A Punnery and laugh yourself int a state of grace. Sinners will be punished with such gems as:

-Old Milkmaids never die -- they just kick the bucket.

-Drunk drivers are people who put the quart before the hearse.

Whether you like 'em hot or cool, straight-up or low-down, here are puns of every color, stripe and persuasion to suit your every whim. Even if you don't know that your humerus is your funny bone, this is the book for you. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

 

Round 2 - 20 Jokes

Q: Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Q: Did you hear the story about the giraffe?

A: Forget it its too long.

Q: In what country will you not find a vegetarian?

A: Turkey.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snoman and a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

Q: What do you call a man who lives in an envelope?

A: Bill.

Q: Waiter how long will the chips be?

A: About five centimeters each, I expect sir.

Q: Wanna know why divorces are so expensive?

A: Because they're worth it.

Q: What did the cow say to the other cow?

A: Nothing because they can't talk.

Q: Why did the motorcycle take a break?

A: Because it was "TWO TIRED"!

Q: What do you do when you throw a clock up in the air

A: Times up!

Q: What's big, red, and looks like a bucket?

A: A big, red bucket.

Q: What dog can't bark?

A: hot dog.

Q: What did the dog say when he sat on the sandpaper?

A: Ruff.

Q: What do you call a monkey on a mine field ?

A: a baboom

Q : What is the difference between women and magnets?

A : Magnets have also positive side.

Q: What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body?

A: He is all right now.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: Should I have another baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes school.

Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?

A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.

Leave us a message with your favorite joke or pun - Remember to keep it clean!

What's Your Favorite Pun?

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