The Crazy and Imaginary Things I Would Sell To People... Would You Buy Them?
Scratching the surface of my fevered imagination...
As long as I can remember, I've had an odd sense of humor. Things that are hilarious to me more often than not leave others scratching their heads wondering if I'm not quite sane, LOL. Fortunately for me, I have many friends who share my humor and get my references and I'm eternally grateful to have found them.
One of the best friends I've ever met through the Army was Tsuji. Since meeting in the 725 MSB Motor Pool in 2002, Tsuji and I have just gotten each other. We can finish the other's references and more importantly, our humor is exactly the same. We decided that we should open a company to sell the cray cray to people who wish to purchase it and here are some of our favorite imaginary products that we want to market to the world.
I hope you laugh as much as we did while creating this list. Pictures to come soon, working on the preliminary designs ;).
Photo Credit: My friend Tsuj and I are the only women in this photo, taken at our co-worker Ben's house.
1. Phoenix Ashes
Because, lets face it - You've wanted one since seeing the Harry Potter Series ;)
Grow your own phoenix at home! Just toss in a fire then douse with water when optimal temperature is reached to activate the wizard magic.
Be careful, because once the magic is activated your new pet will burst forth from the flames! Available in a wide array of colors to match any living room. Specially made cage recommended to store him/her sold separately ;).
Its so easy to do, even a muggle could do it!
2. Canned Leprechaun Meat
For when you're hungry enough to eat the rainbow and the pot of gold!
I know what you're thinking. Leprechauns Crystal? Why would I want to eat another person?! I'll tell you why, it's because they aren't really people, they are supernatural beings - something like a fairy, just taking the form of Old Men. Proponents of Asian medicine know that to get it's power, you often have to consume a piece or two the target one wishes to gain power from. Besides, there's already a market for canned Unicorn meat (who plucked the thought out of my mind and made it into a reality?).
So when you feel like ingesting a wee bit of Irish luck, buy yourself or a buddy a can. If you act now, your order will come with a free cast iron pot, filled to the brim with chocolate gold coins - just so you can feel like you took them from the end of his rainbow LOL ;). How magically delicious is that?!
3. Rip Van Winkle brand Mountain Ale
Guaranteed to give you a deep and restful slumber!
Looking for that perfect brew to share with you friends at your next outdoor party?I've got the perfect drink for you!
We always start with the clear, cool, naturally filtered, and refreshing mountain spring water flowing from the top of the Catskill Mountains. Using the secret recipe of Henry Hudson himself, and the finest wild grown malt barley, hops, and choice herbs - we've hand crafted one of the finest ales in the world with the most unique and delicious flavor you'll ever have the privilege of sampling.
So have a few drinks with some friends, and you can all wake up 20 years later! Make sure you're in the mountains while drinking, so you can bowl a game or two with those mysterious little mountain men before passing out ;).
4. Flash Frozen Griffin Wings, Paws, and Dried Talons
For when those wimpy little chicken wings just won't do!
Ahh, the Griffin. A mythical creature purported to have the wings, head, and front talons of an Eagle and the body and tail of the majestic Lion. The mortal enemy of Horses and Basalisks, alike... and a tasty and delectable taste treat for the taste buds as well!
Just one of these massive wings is enough to feed a single hero for at least half the day (appetite dependent). Each 50 lb bag comes with 10 wings, enough to feed a dozen Spartans.
Also available are flash-frozen Griffin Paws and dried Griffin Talons. The paws are perfect for using in soups and stocks, much like neck-bones. The talons are more ornamental, and have a multitude of uses - the only limit is the user's imagination.
*Be warned, unless you want to be up chopping all night to prep for cooking, I suggest that you purchase one of our Brontosaurus rib grills to handle the weight of a full wing.
5. Medusa Snakeskin Boots (and Accessories)
For that girl (or boy) who has everything!
Legend has it that Medusa was once a beautiful mortal woman who defiled the temple of Athena by laying (unwillingly in some re-tellings) with the Lord of the sea Poseidon. In her rage, the Goddess Athena transformed her silky tresses into snakes and made her visage so horrible that just a look would transform those who gaze upon her into stone.
Who wouldn't want a pair of of these one of a kind custom crafted footwear? Our shoe-makers have developed a secret process that allowed them to skin the many snakes on her head without being turned to stone through trial and error, so I can guarantee you won't find anything else like this (unless we find her sisters and process their heads as well). Matching accessories (a purse and a wallet) are available. Buy as a package and save!
6. Pegasus Weave
For those of us who want to naturally supplement the hair God gave us
Loosing your hair? Tired of all those hours that you spend at a hairdresser and the pain in your scalp from them pulling while braiding? Still recovering from the burns you received when you opted for the glue treatment instead of braids? Get your very own Pegasus Weave here folks!
No hairdresser necessary - after opening the packaging, Pegasus Weave's magical properties lock on to hair signatures and add length and volume. The ethereal magic in these silky strands also helps to strengthen and beautify existing hair - giving it a beautiful sheen and sumptuous feel! Seriously, "Not only am I the President, I'm also a customer!"
Available in a wide variety of colors to suit any palette and mood!
7. Dracula Sunblock
Protecting the delicate skin of both the living and the un-dead!
Just in time for summer... get your tan on safely and burn-free GUARANTEED! No matter how hot it gets outside, you'll always know without a doubt that your skin is protected from those deceptively damaging ultraviolet rays of our sun. Our thick, rich, and creamy formula was perfected after thousands of years of research and development with the world's leading vampire scientists, for Count Dracula himself! As far as I know, it is the only product he endorses himself. Comes in several strengths: our original rich and creamy formula - SPF Undead. Other levels of protection include: SPF 666, SPF Hell-fire, and SPF 9LH (a.k.a. Ninth Level of Hell). Limited supplies, get yours while you can folks!
Okay, so the products I just talked about don't exist (at least, I haven't seen them anywhere) - But that doesn't mean you can't get some interesting things on
Here are a few of my favorites:
High in sparkles! I'm looking forward to seeing what I looks like coming out (even though you can't eat it LOL)
In case you didn't know... everything about Unicorns is magical - to include its poop! Yeah, I said it LOL. You'll smell like magic (and sunshine and rainbows) afterward ;).
Yes folks, a recipe book exists for all you that wish to ingest a bit more vitamin D... without drinking milk or standing in the Sun ;).
Words fail me sometimes. This is one of those occasions.
Who in their right mind would pay 5 dollars to get a bag that's empty??!!
All comments welcome - please share other off the wall & funny products you've seen or want to see one day (real or imaginary)