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The Flop Fictionary

Updated on January 9, 2013

Welcome To The Flop Fictionary

Today we pay homage to the fool, fop, or fonkin who is behind every flop, flub, or fluff that happens in the universe of all things great and small.

So, if you're bored with navel gazing, exhausted twiddling your toes and thumbs, or just plain tired of waiting for Godot to show up and give you directions to the Yellow Brick Road, frankly you're probably desperate enough to take a peek at "The Flop Fictionary".

On the other hand, if you're a flaming success in life, it might not hurt you to find out how the dolts, dweebs, and dingbats of the world see things. Yup, they're the ones who putter about on the back forty of life waiting for the cows to come home. Regrettably, when opportunity knocks, these udderly ridiculous incompletely successful folk haven't got a hot clue what a frigging four-leaf clover even looks like.

There is one saving grace, as every flop knows..."Your ignorance is exceeded only by your stupidity."

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Image Credit: Julie Wilson

IN THE GENE POOL OF LIFE - There's always one generously-proportioned fool who wants to make a big splash in the shallow end.

"The Flop Fictionary" is an important contribution to the treasury of weird and wacky world literature.

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Image Credit: Belly flop illustration - picturesof.net/100319-161910-761042

THE ORIGIN OF FLOP

FLOP: a four-lettered verb whose origin lies in the 17th century, the meaning of which is 1) to swing or move loosely, 2) to throw or move oneself in an awkward or clumsy manner, 3) to change direction or turn suddenly, 4) to go to bed, or 5) to fail completely.

PREFACE TO THIS POCKETBOOK OF PITH & PIFFLE

How many flop words are there in an average, ho-hum, run-of-the-mill dictionary? Well, the answer is ten if you really must know, although it is quite clear that there are insufficient words to describe or account for the vast number and sheer diversity of flops (i.e. incompletely successful people, places, products and other kinds of paraphernalia) that exist in the weird and wonderful world today.

According to the gargantuan Google search engine, there are slightly more than 16 million web pages devoted to the four-lettered English word "flop" versus 302 million web pages devoted to the highly over-rated seven-lettered word "success".

In an effort to level the playing field between flops and successess, it seems to me that there is more than enough room to create a new vocabulary of vacuous verbiage devoted to trifling topic of flops (and other minor mistakes often referred to as "flubs", "fluffs", and "fuck-ups".

For those who don't know the difference between a "fiasco" and a "flop", the former is a complete failure that is accompanied by much fanfare and flair, while the latter suffers from a phlegmatic ignominous approach akin to a delightful dud (usually designed by dweebs, dorks, or daft individuals as seen in the interesting illustration above).

"Flubs" and "fluffs" are failures of a different sort that one can conveniently shift the blame to the nearest schlep, schlemiel and schnook. "Fuck-ups" on the other hand are incompletely successful events that one can attribute to any technology with a mind of its own and the ability to screw up an otherwise perfect show leaving one with egg on one's face.

Note: The author, Theolonius McTavish, and publisher, contrariaN communicationS, disclaim any liability, loss, injury, or damage incurred as a consquence of directly or indirectly using or applying the curious contents of this tiny compendium of authentic jim-dandy jabberwock and bewildering balderdash of interest primarily to bored to the teeth word buffs.

THE FLOP FICTIONARY - PART 1 - (or wonderfully weird words you never knew existed)

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flop-advocate (n.) a person who champions the rights of merry-challenged misadventurers

flopberry (n.) one for whom bosoms, business and bliss are a total mystery

flopbibilist (n.) one who rings the doorbell at the crack of dawn on Sunday morning to offer the latest leather-bound edition of "The Dead Sea Scrolls", for only five easy payments of $49.95 plus tax and handling charges

flop-bitten (adj.) pertaining to one who has an affinity for bitting or licking the dust as opposed to those who usually shove their dust-bunnies under the bed

flop-box (n.) the place where one shares maudlin stories with uniquely-fortuned individuals on an alternative career path

flopbot (n.) the annoying little uninvited icon that appears on one's computer screen offering wise words of advice on how to fix, repair, or heal anything that can't be stuck back together with Crazy Glue or Duct tape

flopbug (n.) an intimate itch that one can't scratch in public

flop-critical (n.) the point at which a person, place or thing becomes an uncontained core rearrangement of components outside the parameters of the defined objective

Flop-Day (n.) a fete worse than death

flop-de-lance one who pokes himelf in the eye, shoots himself in the foot, or zaps himself in the stomach with a laser-light sabre

flopdeist (n.) a fanciful fool who talks back to trees, flowers, and burning bushes

flop-democracy (n.) an incompletely successful society in which everyone who passes "go" receives neither $200 in cash nor a get-out-of-jail free card

flopdictum (n.) an authoritative pronouncement or judicial point that fails to establish just how many fairies can dance on the head of a pin without violating health and safety regulations

flopdoodle (n.) one who has great difficulty finding the right ingredients to make stone soup

flopenfreude (n.) the enjoyment obtained from seeing others fall flat on their nose, back the wrong nag, or put their foot in their mouth

THE FLOP FICTIONARY - PART 2 - (or wonderfully wacky words you never knew existed)

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flop-factum (n.) the gaping loophole in a fetching fairy tale told by an indiscreet politician or man of the cloth

flop-finder (n.) one given to locating faults, flubs, and fluffs that can be pinned like a tail an unsuspecting jackass

flopfisher (n.) a pejorative term denoting one who is not a happy hooker i.e. one who is not adept at fishing for red-herrings

flop-flaneur (n.) one who flips his wig, rug or toupee in public just for the heck of it

flopflatulist (n.) one who is known to flounder while flatulating in hot air circles

flop-fossil (n.) a terminally-inconvenienced soul with far too many failures under his belt to count on his headstone

flopflotsam (n.) a fanciful fop who retrieves previously-enjoyed men's magazines from the trash bin

flopfootsie (n.) a chronologically-gifted uniquely-fortuned individual with two left-feet and no sense of rhythm

flopflub (n.) a bawdy botch-up or booby bungle that is captured on live TV

flopfossil (n.) a chronologically-gifted fool

flop-fragrance (n.) a discretionary bouquet that can't kill the familair odor of a losing team's locker room

flopfully (adv.) descriptive of one who missed the boat while waiting for his/her train to arrive at the bus station

flopfundus (n.) a sudden, brief, and loud burst of vulgar wind emanating from the cheeks of a well-endowned companion that eliminates one's pang for passion

flop-hop (n.) a dazzling dance performed by a blunder bunny with two left feet

flop-hyperbalist (n.) one whose divine destiny is confined to making mountains out of molehills or building sandcastles in the air

flopilla (n.) a small fleet of fools

flopitis (n.) a debilitating disease that leaves the patient either sucking eggs or sucking wind a good deal of the time

flopland (n.) the home of the fanciful Fuck-up Fairy

flopling (n.) the pathetic person in the middle of a shlemozzle or screw-up

flop majeure (n.) a fantastic failure or scintillating snafu that leaves a lasting impression one would dearly love to forget except that it hit the front page of the National Enquirer (roll the drums please and bring out out the pity pot)!

flopmeister (n.) a proactive putz who tells you, "If there's a wrong way to do it, do it!"

flop-me-not (n.) the sort of rubber tree plant that takes great delight in eating ants for breakfast, lunch and dinner

flopmilial (adj.) of, or relating to, or characteristic of fluffs, flubs, and fuck-ups related to one another for which the Guru of Glitch cannot fix

flopera (n.) pejorative term for a Bard of the Bowels who can't hold a tune but can remember all the words to...

Beans, beans the magical fruit

The more you eat, the more you toot

The more you toot, the better you feel

So let's have beans at every meal!

floposopher (n.) a useful insult that comes in handy with pontificating prats or air heads

flopnose (n.) one who enjoys a puckish sort of proboscis, also known as a blundering busybody

floporium (n.) euphemism for a meat-market filled with flop shops

flopped (vb.) past tense of a bungling blunderous action for which no one wishes to take credit

floppee (n.) technical term for the sybaritic soul seated on a whoopee cushion

FLOP FICTIONARY - PART 3 - (or wonderfully wonky words you never knew existed)

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flopnoid (n.) one who has a pathological need to consume crummy cookies and warm milk in bed

flopography (n.) the study of big blunders, gargantuan gaffes, and sensational screw-ups made by bungling bureaucrats, pompous politicians, and surly celebrities

flopper (n.) technical term for one whom everyone advises to "Go lay an egg!"

floppergast (vb.) to overwhelm someone by a surprise screw-up that leaves them in a state of dumbfounded dweebness or else peeing in their pants

floppery (n.) where dolts, dingbats and dweebs not to mention other fabulous fools are known to gather to sing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"

flop-pot (n.) the water-cooler where all the wimpy wall-flowers hang out naturally

flopsetto (n.pl.) an artificially high-pitched voice that sings off-key in the shower

flop solution (n.) the one that allows one to duck and run for one's life

flopsom (n.) an unfortunate fool who can't float a little yellow rubber duck in a bathtub

flop-spoken (adj.) descriptive of one who is adept at placing his foot in his/her mouth

flopsythia (n.) one who has not mastered the ancient art of weed-whacking

flop-the-well (n.) a term of endearment meaning any pleasing but pathetic putz who can't go up the hill with Jill or Dear Liza because there's a darn hole in his blinking bucket

flopulous (adj.) descriptive of a fantastic flop that will go down in history books

flopware (n.) any "fail-safe" software program that does not come equipped with a prophylactic coupling device

flopfate (noun): - The odd feeling one gets after realizing that being wrapped up in oneself leaves very little wiggle room

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Image Credit: http://lynnechapman.blogspot.com

WHAT THE CAUSTIC CRITICS HAVE TO SAY...

-- "This curious compendium of cockammie catchwords will be of interest to those whose minds get off on connecting dots, crossing t's or dotting i's." -- Fiona Frippery, CEO, The Society for Sorting Out Simple Stuff.

-- "Every male an female approaching mid-life will get a real kick out of reading this milestone in lost lemon literature." -- Dr. Wulf Utian, International Journal of Lemons in Literature

-- "This is a truly vapid and vividly vacuous piece of piffle written by a remarkable rascal if ever there was one." - Drosphelia Dimple-Worters, President of The Society of Salacious Somebodies

-- "A lovely little lexicon of lame-duck language written by a legendary legerdemain." -- Lord Leaping-Over-the-Sword-In-A-Single-Bound

-- "This volume of verbose verbiage and vaunted vibrato is the best thing since sliced bread." Harold Crumpet, a bombastic bookworm

flopist (n.) a backwards bozo

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Image Credit: clipartof.com/cowboy

F.L.O.P. POLL

What is a FLOP?

See results

Santa was confident he could make the biggest belly-flop the elves had ever seen!

What do you call a dashing dude in a sybaritic suit who takes one too many short snorts and falls off his sleigh? - A flopulous fellow.

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Image Credit: Ronald Searle illustration posted Nov. 30 2011 in attemptedblogger.blogspot.com/12searle0118

"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't nothin' can beat teamwork."

-- Edward Abbey --

"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."

-- Jerry Seinfeld --

FLUBS, FLOPS & FAILURES - For those with funnybones

A Complete and Utter Failure:  A Celebration of Also-Rans, Runners-Up, Never-Weres & Total Flops
A Complete and Utter Failure: A Celebration of Also-Rans, Runners-Up, Never-Weres & Total Flops

The authoritative source on fantastic flops and ripsnorting runner-ups.

 
Great British Losers: A Compendium of National Embarrassments from the Great Auk to Eddie the Eagle
Great British Losers: A Compendium of National Embarrassments from the Great Auk to Eddie the Eagle

To those who don't think brazen bunglers, heroic half-wits, and ludicrous losers from the Old Country haven't got a place of honor in history!

 

FEEDBACK FROM FANS OF FUNNY FAILURES - Feel free to share your greatest goofs or your mirthful minute of fame by adding a creative contribution to "The Flop Fic

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