The Daily Joke For July
Great Jokes For Every Day of The Month
I love to listen to a good joke or to read a funny joke. Even better I love to share good jokes with my friends. Finding a way to bring more laughter into people's lives is a hobby of mine. I strongly believe that if we can find a way to laugh at the problems that life throws at us, that the day can pass much better than if we just allow the everyday routine to get us down.
So please read on, enjoy the jokes, and above all SMILE.
All the jokes are clean. You won't find any adult material in this lens. Only the best jokes, the funniest jokes make it here, and I hope most of these jokes are new to you.
The Daily Joke - 1st July
The Daily Joke - Pinata
Some time back, an activity I'm a member of was sponsoring storybook games for children.
For my part, I made a huge pinata, of a bear's head.
Two miniature padlocks were hung from its ears, and a third in its nose.
I then spray painted the whole thing gold.
Another member challenged my creation, saying it didn't represent any children's story.
And I replied, "Of course it does! That's 'Goldibear and the Three Locks!'"
The Daily Joke - 2nd July
The Daily Joke - Chinatown
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.
He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Bar & Grill."
"Moishe Plotnik?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the establishment and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the bar. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Bar & Grill?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland.
Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, "Sem Ting."
The Daily Joke - 3rd July
The Daily Joke - The Suit Sale
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
The Daily Joke - 4th July
The Daily Joke - Twisted History - A Brief History Of Time
I thought with this being Independence Day in the USA, that something to do with history might be in order. I hope you enjoy this short history lesson...
TWISTED HISTORY - A BRIEF HISTORY OF TIME
3050 B.C.- A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.
2900 B.C.-Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.
1850 B.C.-Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.
1785 B.C.-The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists.
1768 B.C.-Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.
776 B.C.-The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.
525 B.C.-The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do!
410 B.C.-Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.
404 B.C.-The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.
214 B.C.-Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.
1 B.C.-Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.
79 A.D.- Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment.
432- St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.
1000-Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning.
1043-Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.
1125-Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?
1233-The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.
1297-The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.
1433- Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil!
1456-An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.
1492- Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians.
1497-Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to come to the new world, but the first to think of naming it in honor of himself ... the United States of Vespuccia!
1508-Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.
1513-Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it.
1522-Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.
1568-Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.
1607-The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".
1618-Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.
1642-Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a liberal arts education.
1670-The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.
1755-Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.
1758- New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they can expect from here on out.
1763-The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost.
1770-The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday Night.
1773-Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric," noting that no one added cream.
1776-Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.
1779-John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to fight!" and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking.
1793- "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing she ever said.
1799-Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. "Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine."
1805-Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
1807-Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.
1815-Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over.
1840-William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it.
1850-Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president," which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning.
1859- Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much money.
1865-Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.
1894-Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it except the movie critics.
1903- The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there.
1910- The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.
1911-Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!
1912-People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.
1920-The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40 million who don't stop!
1924-Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble.
1928- Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages.
1930- Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog wasn't discovered until 1938.
1933- German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with the moustache never came back to finish his work.
1933-Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off.
1934- John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn't enjoy the movie either.
1934-As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
1938-Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all possibility of WWII.
1944-Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.
The Daily Joke - 5th July
The Daily Joke - Talking Salmon
At the end of a long day, all the fisherman had caught was one small, red salmon. He was about to kill it when the salmon shouted, "Wait, I'm much too small!"
"Wow, a talking salmon," the fisherman exclaimed, "What's your name?"
"Rusty," replied the salmon. "Please throw me back into the sea!"
The fisherman did so.
About a year later, the man was fishing the same spot when he again caught Rusty! "Amazing," exclaimed the fisherman, "What have you been doing since I last caught you?"
"I've been sitting on the wreck of the good ship Titanic writing poetry, it's very inspirational there."
The fisherman read some of the poems and was quite impressed.
"These should be published," he said. "Have you thought of a title for them?"
After some thought the fish said, "I'll call them "Salmon Rusty's Titanic Verses."
The Daily Joke - 6th July
The Daily Joke - The Artist
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.
"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.
"Really," she said, softening. "How many models have there been?"
"Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase."
The Daily Joke - 7th July
The Daily Joke - A Special Pig
A reporter hears about an amazing pig and goes out to the farm in Arkansas to get the story.
He finds the farmer near the barn and asks him if the rumours about his pig are true.
"Yep," says the farmer. "I got a pig that started squealing real loud when the house was on fire. He woke us all up and so we all got to safety. Otherwise we might have been killed. That's some pig."
"And didn't the pig save your boy from drowning?" asked the reporter.
"Yep, he raced right into the pond and pulled my little boy out by his shirt collar. Saved his life," the farmer says, wiping a tear from his eye.
"Wow, I'd like to see this pig," the reporter says.
"Well, come on over here."
The farmer leads the reporter over to a nearby pen. There in the mud the reporter sees a pig with a wooden leg.
"Why does he have a wooden leg?"
The farmer replies, "Well, you don't eat a pig like that all at once."
The Daily Joke - 8th July
The Daily Joke - New Kind Of Car
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.
"Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.
"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car." his co-worker replied.
"How was he going to do it?"
"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."
"So what did he end up with?"
"Ten years in prison."
The Daily Joke - 9th July
The Daily Joke - The Refrigerator
One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner.
I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
The Daily Joke - 10th July
The Daily Joke - The Envelopes
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the others are numbered one to three.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.
After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing."
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.
A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything."
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike.
The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, Prepare 4 new envelopes."
The Daily Joke - 11th July
The Daily Joke - Nervous Newlyweds
A young couple decided to wed.
As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The groom- to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancée will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancée will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married.
Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.
That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.
Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my goodness," he replies in horror, cringing as he does so, "you've gone and swallowed my sock!"
The Daily Joke - 12th July
The Daily Joke - Back From Honeymoon
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
Back at home for a few days, the bride called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, Mama ... words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
The Daily Joke - 13th July
The Daily Joke - His And Hers Road Trip
I think a number of us have been in this situation...
1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. opens window
3. asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
4. Arrives at destination presently.
1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. finally rolls down window
5. hocks a loogie
6. pulls up to a 7 -11
7. gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
11. after he closes the door.
12. laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
14. almost hits a deer
15. curses the night
16. curses you
17. curses the large slurpee
18. stops by the side of the road
19. takes a leak
20. still taking a leak.
21. almost done
22. I think.
23. returns to car
24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
25. yells at you for suggesting the map again
26. admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
27. He hates your sister.
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
29. He had to look up pernicious.
30. Couldn't find a dictionary.
31. finally found a dictionary
32. Couldn't spell pernicious.
33. seethes at the memory of it all
34. But she is laughing inside...
35. And of course you're still lost.
The Daily Joke - 14th July
The Daily Joke - Hit And Run
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized her laugh!"
The Daily Joke - 15th July
The Daily Joke - Indian
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
The Daily Joke - 16th July
The Daily Joke - Near Death Experience
Monday I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Walmart manager came and unplugged it.
The Daily Joke - 17th July
The Daily Joke - Wife Control
There were three men talking in the pub.
Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two blokes were amazed.
"What happened then?" they asked.
She said, "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!"
The Daily Joke - 18th July
The Daily Joke - Merlin The Wizard
Note: This joke is best when you read it to yourself with the "Chap" having an upper-class English accent and "Merlin" a gruff old voice.
A Chap walks up to another chap in a pointed hat and says:
Chap - You're Merlin aren't you?
Merlin - Why yes ..it's nice to be recognised!
Chap - Bit of a Wizard ..I hear?
Merlin - Well Yes .. I've been told I'm skilled
Chap - Do tricks and things ..don't ya.. Magical stuff?
Merlin - Magical ... yes that's correct
Chap - Turn Kings into Frogs ..and that sort of thing ..Is that right
Merlin - Well Yes ..I suppose I could Turn a King into a Frog!
Chap - Ever Mucked up ..Ya know, made a mistake?
Merlin - Well Yes ...hasn't everyone?
Chap - Can you reverse a curse?
Merlin - Yes I can ... with knowledge of who applied the Curse and the actual words of enchantment, I could do it ....Why ?
Chap - I'm Cursed
Merlin - Really ... and how long have you been bewitched?
Chap - Years.....
Merlin - Do you know the words spoken over you to lay this curse?
Chap - Yeah .. can't forget them!
Merlin - What were they?
Chap - something like ... Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife
The Daily Joke - 19th July
The Daily Joke - Embarrassing Meeting
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the toot.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"
The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!".
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.
This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she sh*ts on you!"
The Daily Joke - 20th July
The Daily Joke - The Genie In The Lamp
A man was walking on a highway when he discovered an old lamp. You know the kind, it was one of those that you find in movies like Aladdin.
So naturally he rubbed it and to his surprise a genie came out and said,"I will grant you one wish."
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I never have gone to Hawaii because I never could afford it. Could you make a highway from here to Hawaii so I could just drive over anytime?"
The genie sighed and said, "Man, I have been in this genie business for 10,000 years. I am quite tired. Can't you think of something a little more simple?"
The man thought and said, "Well, you know, I have been married to my wife for 5 years now but I still can't understand her. Can you make it so I can understand her from now on?"
The genie sighed again and said, "Two lanes or four?"
The Daily Joke - 21st July
The Daily Joke - Party Time
A man left for work one Friday afternoon, but, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
The Daily Joke - 22nd July
The Daily Joke - Fat Man
Little Johnny and his dad went to the grocery store and were in line at the checkout counter when Johnny says to his dad, "Look at that man in front of us, daddy, he's fat!"
His dad notices the man but politely tells Johnny, "That's not a nice thing to say."
Little Johnny continued to stare and point and then said, "No daddy, he's REALLY fat!"
His dad says, "Please son, we're almost done here, behave and stop saying those things."
Just then the man's pager went off 'BEEP, BEEP, BEEP...'
Little Johnny yells, "Watch out dad, he's backing up!"
The Daily Joke - 23rd July
The Daily Joke - The Childrens Party
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown.
Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But, the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.
She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.
HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
The Daily Joke - 24th July
The Daily Joke - Bald Eagle
A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded reserve when he comes across an unkempt man, sitting at a make-shift campfire, and, to the ranger's horror, eating a fish and a bald eagle.
The man is consequently put in jail for the crime.
He was soon brought to trial for his crime...
The Judge asked the man "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
"Yes I do." replied the man, "but if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
"You may proceed."
"I got lost in the woods, and hadn't had anything real to eat for two weeks," the man explained. "I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake grabbing some fish. I thought 'if I startled the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish.' Lo and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it.
I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
The judge says he will take a recess to analyse the defendant's testimony.
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."
The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"
"Well your honour, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it's a bit more tender than a California Condor but lacks the tang of a Spotted Owl."
The Daily Joke - 25th July
The Daily Joke - Old Aunt Emma
A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.
For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.
Finally the old girl passed away.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."
His wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was your Aunt Emma!"
The Daily Joke - 26th July
The Daily Joke - Numbers
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the kid.
The Daily Joke - 27th July
The Daily Joke - Spell Checker
Eye have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plain lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write.
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
and eye can put the error rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
The Daily Joke - 28th July
The Daily Joke - A Forgotten Anniversary
Tom, a loving husband, was in trouble.
He had forgotten his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under six seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning, Tom got up really early.
When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.
She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Tom is not yet well enough to have visitors.
The Daily Joke - 29th July
The Daily Joke - Show And Tell
Betsy, a grammar-school teacher from Miami, remembers this Oscar worthy birth tableau from one of her students...
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed entertainment.
Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very out-going kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, "Oh, oh, oh!"
Now the kids' doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning.
"My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in bed like this." Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"
The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe.
They start counting, but they never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder - just in case another Erica comes along.
The Daily Joke - 30th July
The Daily Joke - You Don't Need A Man
If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.
If you want someone who's always ready to go out any time you ask, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll be content JUST to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, get a dog. (You can always kick him out of the bed and make him sleep in the laundry room if he snores. Try THAT with a man!)
If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him, and never says "Why can't you make it like Mom did?" get a dog.
If you want someone who can scare away burglars without brandishing a lethal weapon, endangering you (and all the neighbors), get a dog.
If you want someone who will do anything to please YOU, get a dog.
If you want someone to bring in your newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes ANYTHING you do, doesn't care how bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, and loves you unconditionally, get a dog.
If you want someone who NEVER touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches teary movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.
ON THE OTHER HAND...
If you want someone who totally ignores you when you walk into a room, get a cat.
If you want someone who acts as though you are there only to see that HE's happy, get a cat.
If you want someone who'll prowl around all night and come home only to eat and sleep all day, get a cat.
If you want someone who leaves hair all over the place, get a cat.
If you want someone who never comes when you call him, get a cat.
If you want someone who'll walk all over you, get a cat.
The Daily Joke - 31st July
The Daily Joke - On Getting Older
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own business!!"
Origin Of The Jokes
A Disclaimer On The Copyright Of These Jokes
Sometimes people ask me "Where did you get these jokes?", and with copyright and plagiarism being rife on the internet these days I honestly can't say that I came up with them, although I did re-write some in the process of creating this page.
I have run a jokes and humor mailing list since the late 1990s, and most of the jokes that I use on my lenses have been circulating via email for years, and via word of mouth and other means for donkeys years before that. Some I even heard when I was a boy, and I bet they weren't new then either.
In most cases nobody knows who started a joke, or who has any ownership of a funny story. If I have used something that you know to be copyrighted, please let me know, and I will be pleased to credit it appropriately or to remove it if that is preferred.
Meantime, let's get back to the business of making people laugh...