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The Daily Joke For June

Updated on January 7, 2015

The Daily Joke A Joke For Every Day In June

Funny jokes make us laugh, and a daily joke helps the whole world to laugh more often, don't you agree? I think we could all use a joke a day. One way to make people laugh is to tell jokes, and a joke a day, the daily joke is a great way to do it.

My master plan for a happier nicer world to live in is to help spread some humor around, by passing the best jokes and funny stories across the internet.

If you would like to help me to make this a happier place to live, you can do so by:
1. Visiting my jokes pages often
2. Laughing at the jokes
3. Forwarding the jokes pages to other people
4. Telling the jokes to other people

Do whatever you can to help other people to laugh and smile at least once a day. Bring some happiness into other people's lives, and then, maybe then your daily troubles might not seem so bad after all.

It's not an easy job trying to find good jokes. So many jokes I receive are old, crude and not suitable for including here, or have been already used in another lens, so I maybe have to read a dozen jokes to find a good one, and it gets harder every day.

So sit back and browse the latest selection of jokes, which I hope you will enjoy. And if you do like them, please pass the word around, and also please add a note in the visitor book to let me know you dropped by.

Hands Up If This Describes You!

The Daily Joke - 1st June

The Daily Joke - CIA Vacancy

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.

These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background

checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your

wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not

the right man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test.

Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun.

"We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door.

Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another

for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

The Daily Joke - 2nd June

The Daily Joke - Helpful Chinese Phrases

If you ever have the need to go to China in a hurry, here are some helpful phrases to help you communicate...

English Phrase - Chinese Phrase

I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat

Are you hiding a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man - Dum Gai

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni

It's very dark in here. - Wai So Dim

Has your flight been delayed? - Hao long Wei Ting?

An unauthorized execution. - Lin Ching.

I thought you were on a diet? - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King

You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum

I got this for free - Ai No Pei

I am not guilty! - Wai Hang Mi?

Please stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao?

They have arrived. - Hai Dei Kum.

Stay out of sight - Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa Sing Ka.

Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song

The Daily Joke - 3rd June

The Daily Joke - Oil Changing Instructions

Women:

  1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
  2. Drink a cup of coffee.
  3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:

  1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
  2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
  3. Open a beer and drink it.
  4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
  5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
  6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
  7. Place drain pan under engine.
  8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
  9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
  10. Unscrew drain plug.
  11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in the process.
  12. Clean up.
  13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
  14. Look for oil filter wrench.
  15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
  16. Beer.
  17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
  18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
  19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
  20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
  21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
  22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
  23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
  24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
  25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
  26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
  27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
  28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
  29. Begin cussing fit.
  30. Throw wrench.
  31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.
  32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
  33. Beer.
  34. Beer.
  35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
  36. Beer.
  37. Lower car from jack stands
  38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
  39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
  40. Drive car

The Daily Joke - 4th June

The Daily Joke - The Brown Paper Cowboy

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?", he asks.

"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff.

The Daily Joke - 5th June

The Daily Joke - The Honeymoon Is Over

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

Back at home for a few days, the bride called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, Mama ... words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

The Daily Joke - 6th June

The Daily Joke - Texas Chilli Cookoff

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was invited to be a judge at a Chilli Cookoff while visiting Texas:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Bugger me! Keep this away from the children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.

Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills to save me the run.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can't focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Very Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Thank God! At autopsy they'll know what killed me.

Have decided to stop breathing, too painful, not getting any oxygen anyway.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

FRANK: ------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

The Daily Joke - 7th June

The Daily Joke - Poker Face

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws.

Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

The Daily Joke - 8th June

The Daily Joke - Alcatraz

Finally a joke that most parents can identify with...

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.

Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another.

The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window.

"Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

The Daily Joke - 9th June

The Daily Joke - Numbers

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.

What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the kid.

The Daily Joke - 10th June

The Daily Joke - Plaster Cast

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

Getting Wiped Out At The Beach

The Daily Joke - 11th June

The Daily Joke - School Answering Machine

This is the message that apparently the staff of a Secondary School in England voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children's failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

* To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work- Press 2

* To complain about what we do - Press 3

* To swear at staff members - Press 4

* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several other letters posted to you - Press 5

* If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6

* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

* To complain about bus transport - Press 9

* To complain about school lunches - Press 0

LASTLY:

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort, hang up and have a really wonderful day!

If you want this in other languages, tough, you must be in the wrong country. This is England

The Daily Joke - 12th June

The Daily Joke - I Can Relate To This

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, and I gave him a few pats on his head.

He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar:

"I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

"He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

I Can Relate To This

I Can Relate To This
I Can Relate To This

The Daily Joke - 13th June

The Daily Joke - Cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

The Daily Joke - 14th June - The Daily Joke - How To Impress A Girl

Here are some hilarious video clips featuring different ways how NOT to impress a girl. I hope you enjoy them.

The Daily Joke - 15th June

The Daily Joke - At The Movie Theater

While watching a a movie recently recently, a man couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him.

Unable to bear it any longer, he tapped one of them on the shoulder.

"Excuse me," he said, "I can't hear."

"I should hope not," one woman replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."

The Daily Joke - 16th June

The Daily Joke - Boy Or Girl?

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby called to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.

After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy,

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ??

The Daily Joke - 17th June

The Daily Joke - The Portrait

A woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

The Daily Joke - 18th June

The Daily Joke - 18th June
The Daily Joke - 18th June

The Daily Joke - 19th June

The Daily Joke - Unusual Disorder

"DOC, YOU'VE GOT to help my husband," a farmer's wife said frantically. "He thinks he's a racehorse. He wants to live in a stable; he walks on all fours and he even eats hay."

"I'm sure I can cure him," the doctor replied, "but it'll be very costly."

"Oh, money's no object," she responded. "He's already won two races."

The Daily Joke - 20th June

The Daily Joke - Anything You Want

A man walked into a restaurant and saw a sign that read, "We'll give you $300 if we're unable to serve you any entrée you order."

He sat down and told the waitress he wanted elephant liver on rye.

The waitress took the order and left.

All of a sudden, the man heard terrible noises coming from the kitchen - the sound of feet stamping, screaming and the banging of pots and pans.

It went on and on.

The noise finally stopped, and the cook appeared from the kitchen.

He slapped down $300 in front of the customer and said, "I can't believe it. We're out of rye."

Water Bloopers

The Daily Joke - 21st June

The Daily Joke - Bank Trouble

The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad."

You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"

The Daily Joke - 22nd June

The Daily Joke - Please Help

To all my dearest friends, I need some help.

My cousin's cat had kittens and he was able to give away all but 4 of them.

I told him I would help him find homes for the last 4.

I can't take one because I am allergic, but if you could take just one it would be such a help and the kittens could have a nice home.

Since he lives by the Nuclear Power Plant, I'll go pick them up for you.

I've attached pictures of the last 4 kittens.

Will you help?

Kitten ONE

Kitten ONE
Kitten ONE

Kitten TWO

Kitten TWO
Kitten TWO

Kitten THREE

Kitten THREE
Kitten THREE

Kitten FOUR

Kitten FOUR
Kitten FOUR

The Daily Joke - 23rd June

The Daily Joke - Who Discovered America?

Mrs Casey, the Geography teacher stands in front of a map of the world.

Mrs Casey: Brendan, can you tell me where in the world America is placed on this map?

Brendan shows her America.

Mrs Casey: Now, Ellie, can you tell me the name of the person who discovered America?

Ellie: Brendan just did miss!!

The Daily Joke - 24th June

The Daily Joke - Room Rates

When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people.

"Do you take children?" the man asked.

"No, sir," replied the clerk. "Only cash and credit cards."

The Daily Joke - 25th June

The Daily Joke - The Perfect Pet

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"

The Daily Joke - 26th June

The Daily Joke - Thigns

In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.

It had a single word on it: "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"

The Daily Joke - 27th June

The Daily Joke - The Speedtrap

There was a middle aged guy who bought a Mercedes convertible 2000.

He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great", he thought and floored it some more.

He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a State Patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph.

Then he thought, "what am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Patrol to catch up with him.

The State Patrol officer pulled in behind the Mercedes and the officer walked up to the man.

"Sir", he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th". "If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go".

The man looked back at the State Patrol and said, "last week my wife ran off with a State Patrol officer, and I thought you were bringing her back!"

The State Patrol said, "Have a nice day!"

The Daily Joke - 28th June

The Daily Joke - Dieting

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight.

She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.

The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

The Daily Joke - 29th June

The Daily Joke - Picnic

The service area was located on a main highway leading to the beach.

The pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to tank up.

When a rusty old station wagon containing a very tired looking couple and seven screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants.

"Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours or is this a picnic?"

Wearily, the driver relied, "Yes they are all mine and it is NO picnic!!!"

The Daily Joke - 30th June

The Daily Joke - Shoes

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.

They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.

He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

Origin Of The Jokes

A Disclaimer On The Copyright Of These Jokes

Sometimes people ask me "Where did you get these jokes?", and with copyright and plagiarism being rife on the internet these days I honestly can't say that I came up with them, although I did re-write some in the process of creating this page.

I have run a jokes and humor mailing list since the late 1990s, and most of the jokes that I use on my lenses have been circulating via email for years, and via word of mouth and other means for donkeys years before that. Some I even heard when I was a boy, and I bet they weren't new then either.

In most cases nobody knows who started a joke, or who has any ownership of a funny story. If I have used something that you know to be copyrighted, please let me know, and I will be pleased to credit it appropriately or to remove it if that is preferred.

Meantime, let's get back to the business of making people laugh...

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      karenjohnson23 2 years ago

      Loved your jokes, had to keep going into the garden to tell them to my husband who is out there doing a tricky repair job. Made us both laugh. After a day shopping yesterday and some miserable shop assistants, yes I'm in England, we decided that everyone was miserable and needed to laugh more. Thanks for sharing!

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      Tony Payne 4 years ago from Southampton, UK

      @momsfunny: Thanks, I am pleased you enjoyed it.

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      momsfunny 4 years ago

      You surely put a lot of time on this. Great jokes. It was fun stopping by your lens.

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      Tony Payne 4 years ago from Southampton, UK

      @PaigSr: A great movie with a great cast.

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      PaigSr 4 years ago from State of Confussion

      a little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men - Willy Wonka

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