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Up or Down? The Battle Hymn of the Toilet Seat

Updated on August 29, 2011

The True Battle of the Sexes Addressed in a Lighthearted Lyric Poem to Toilet Seat Etiquette

You know it's true ... the real battle of the sexes takes place in the loo. Up or down? Hit or miss? Over or under? Let your opinions rip here, and see which voice you want to sing in the Battle Hymn of the Toilet Seat!

The Battle Hymn of the Toilet Seat

to the tune of "Battle Hymn of the Republic," aka "Glory Glory Hallelujah"

Here's a little ditty that popped into my head after one particularly disastrous midnight trip to the bathroom. All my friends loved it - more than my husband seemed to, for some strange reason!

Sing (or read, if you prefer) to the tune of "Glory Glory Hallelujah," more properly known as "The Battle Hymn of the Republic."


He leaves the seat and lid up

Caring not who might fall in

As his wife did once at midnight

And got stuck up to her chin,

Accidentally hit the flusher

And went for a little spin!

The lid goes up and down!

Honey, Honey, put the lid down!

If you don't the kids may soon drown!

When stuff falls in I have to fish 'round!

The lid goes up and down!

To close both toilet seat and lid:

A very worthy goal!

The toddler likes to flush things,

Dog and cat drink from the bowl,

And when you think about it

It's a most unsightly hole!

The lid goes up and down!

Honey, Honey, put the lid down!

Or you'll wear a porcelain crown -

Then I'd grin instead of just frown!

The lid goes up and down!

He says, "I have to put it up;

Why shouldn't you work too?"

I say, "Let's all close everything

And hide the wat'ry view!"

Same work for all, looks nicer,

And more sanitary, too!

The lid goes up and down!

Honey, Honey, put the lid down!

You'll become a man of great renown!

I'll wear perfume and a French maid gown,

If you'll just learn to put the lid down!

copyright (c) C. Paden, please request permission to reprint

Are You Flushing Germs into the Air?

If you flush with the lid open, chances are that surfaces in your bathroom may have been contaminated with the aerosolized spray of toilet water, according to this abstract from Pub Med.

Sound off! Up or Down? YOU Decide! - Close the seat and close the lid too! Same work for everyone!

The battle of the sexes is here! Up or Down? Just the seat or the lid too? What is the rhyme and reason behind your bathroom behavior? Inquiring minds want to know! Keep it clean, please!

Up or Down? Seat only, or seat and lid?

Toilet Seat by This'n'That

Available on posters, postcards, tote bags, and more fun products!

Never Touch the Seat Again

Ladies! Have You Ever Fallen In?

See results

Gents! Do You Leave the Seat Up?

See results

Explaining the Mystery of Men

The Committee: Man's Inner Voices and Who Left the Toilet Seat Up?
The Committee: Man's Inner Voices and Who Left the Toilet Seat Up?

The key to understanding how men think and why their behavior is so bizarre in the eyes of the average woman. Author Bill Loucks educates while entertaining and may very well be asked to relinquish his "manhood" card because he reveals so many of the secrets his species holds dear.

How to Iron Your Own Damn Shirt: The Perfect Husband Handbook Featuring Over 50 Foolproof Ways to Win, Woo & Wow Your Wife
How to Iron Your Own Damn Shirt: The Perfect Husband Handbook Featuring Over 50 Foolproof Ways to Win, Woo & Wow Your Wife

LADIES: At long last, a practical guide to help your man become the perfect husband. How to Iron Your Own Damn Shirt is your salvation, with simple, easy-for-a-guy-to-follow instructions on those little things you can never get him to do, such as: How to Put the Toilet Seat Down, How to Stop Snoring, How to Ask for Directions, Plus, more than 50 other essential topics (even How to Dance at a Wedding)

Know Your Pig - Playful Relationship Advice for Understanding Your Man (Pig)
Know Your Pig - Playful Relationship Advice for Understanding Your Man (Pig)

An easily-read book which quickly demonstrates in a humorous way how to communicate and manage men based on tools and techniques that work for them. It also includes information on several approaches in communication from the male perspective and how to utilize the techniques and why these simple methods work so well for men. The book is brief, to the point with simple language, and best of works and is fun.

The Husband Book  Guy's Guide To Marriage
The Husband Book Guy's Guide To Marriage

Married men weary of gaining insight on how to be a better husband through trial and error - or the well-intentioned advice of misguided friends - will welcome the wisdom, humor, and truisms delivered by long-time husband Harry Harrision in The Husband Book. The Husband Book helps married men demystify some of the most challenging events that married couples face, including adjusting to each other during the honeymoon days, managing money issues, and raising children together. The Husband Book provides a healthy mix of wisdom and wit to arm husbands with the insight needed to navigate their way through day-to-day challenges. It makes the perfect gift for Father's Day or for the newly married man.


How Women Get Away with ... - by comedy team Man Stroke Woman

Okay, it's not exactly toilet seat humor, but it is bathroom related. And very, very funny.

Many thanks for

SquidAngel blessings from

Thanks to tagsforkids for his angelic SquidArt.

Squidoo logo is a trademark of Squidoo LLC. Graphics, Squidart and Squidoodles 2008 by tagsforkids (Steve Thompson).

Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 License.


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    • stargazer90 profile image


      5 years ago

      I can see why you're one of the great lens masters in this category! Great lens :-)

    • SellClean profile image


      6 years ago

      Very funny and informative lens. Seat down!

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      I am totally agree with your opinion about the toilet bowl. this lens is very encouraging to people who want to know toilet bowl.

    • KimGiancaterino profile image


      7 years ago

      I'm the only female in our household and have fallen into the toilet more than once during the middle of the night. Not fun! I enjoyed your lens very much.

    • evelynsaenz1 profile image

      Evelyn Saenz 

      7 years ago from Royalton

      This is one of the funniest lenses I have ever read! With tears of laughter pouring down I am calling my sister to sing to her about her need to fear her toilet.

      SquidAngel Blessed:)

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      Oh I think your song is fabulous!!! You are so creative and this page is hilarious!

    • SusanDeppner profile image

      Susan Deppner 

      7 years ago from Arkansas USA

      How fun to re-visit this page. Clever, clever poem!

    • RhondaAlbom profile image

      Rhonda Albom 

      7 years ago from New Zealand

      Love it. Thanks for the laugh. Blessed. Please add a link to which ever plexo you think best fits on my humor angel lens.

    • Paul Ward profile image


      7 years ago from Liverpool, England

      My cats used to drink from the bowl, rather than from fresh water! Leave it up.

    • ILoveLegosToo profile image

      Tom Fattes 

      7 years ago from Naperville, IL

      Toilet paper has to go over, otherwise it just spins forever

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      I think it takes a very considerate man to put a toilet seat up, He is not obligated to put it up in the first place. If you don't mind wiping urine from the seat, we will just leave it down all the time. I don't like having to touch the toilet seat with my bare hands to raise it for the ladies. After all i can do m,y business either way, Get off your high horse ladies !

    • Tagsforkids profile image


      8 years ago

      Had fun with the lens, but no, never fell in! :)

    • Dianne Loomos profile image

      Dianne Loomos 

      8 years ago

      I still think this is funny!

    • LouiseKirkpatrick profile image


      8 years ago from Berkshire, United Kingdom

      Very funny :)

    • PNWtravels profile image

      Vicki Green 

      8 years ago from Wandering the Pacific Northwest USA

      Yep, I've fallen in. Very funny lens!

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      The Battle Hymn still has me giggling. Congratulations on a hilarious lens.

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      Great lens. I loved the Battle Hymn!

    • blue22d profile image


      9 years ago

      Cute lens and glad to see it. Five stars to ya. Do stop by and visit my lens californiaraisins. This lens could use a little love. Thanks.

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      What a fun lens! This topic has been a long time coming. Love it!

    • Lori Lee-Ray profile image

      Lori Lee-Ray 

      9 years ago

      this was hilarious! brought back a funny time for me too!

    • aka-rms profile image

      Robin S 

      9 years ago from USA

      Very cute lens topic! 5*

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      You know you'll get a kick out of this -- at the office we have ONE loo/toilet! For the entire office staff -- 5 women and 6 men -- not to mention any visitors and guests! That scenario is enough to boggle the mind -- up/down, wet, no TP, TP over/under, etc. Funny lens.

    • Teacher Adez7 profile image

      Teacher Adez7 

      9 years ago

      Blessed and stared :) Good job, mad me laugh!

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      Very funny lens. :)

    • Lou165 profile image


      9 years ago from Australia

      What a great idea for a lens 5* all the way.

    • Lou165 profile image


      9 years ago from Australia

      What a great idea for a lens 5* all the way.

    • LouiseKirkpatrick profile image


      10 years ago from Berkshire, United Kingdom

      Love it...5 *


    • SusanDeppner profile image

      Susan Deppner 

      10 years ago from Arkansas USA

      Fun topic and I absolutely love the song, which will be stuck in my head the rest of the day, no doubt!

    • WritingforYourW profile image


      10 years ago

      lol, a cute idea for a lens. I think I'm glad I live alone, so I have the toilet seat all to myself :)

    • chefkeem profile image

      Achim Thiemermann 

      10 years ago from Austin, Texas

      Great lens! Featured in my lens "Funniest Squidoo Lensmasters". 5*s

    • kephrira lm profile image

      kephrira lm 

      10 years ago

      Love the lens; for more humour take a look at The Funniest Newspaper Headlines and More

    • jimmielanley profile image

      Jimmie Quick 

      10 years ago from Memphis, TN, USA

      Looks like you've been busy making more lenses! :-) Great job!

    • profile image


      10 years ago

      This is my new favorite poem!

    • profile image


      10 years ago

      Love all these t-shirts! And I want one of those special toilet lids - nice! 5 stars, faved, thanks!

    • Dianne Loomos profile image

      Dianne Loomos 

      10 years ago

      Carma, you did a great job pulling this all together! 5*, and faved!


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