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Up or Down? The Battle Hymn of the Toilet Seat

Updated on August 29, 2011

The True Battle of the Sexes Addressed in a Lighthearted Lyric Poem to Toilet Seat Etiquette

You know it's true ... the real battle of the sexes takes place in the loo. Up or down? Hit or miss? Over or under? Let your opinions rip here, and see which voice you want to sing in the Battle Hymn of the Toilet Seat!

The Battle Hymn of the Toilet Seat

to the tune of "Battle Hymn of the Republic," aka "Glory Glory Hallelujah"

Here's a little ditty that popped into my head after one particularly disastrous midnight trip to the bathroom. All my friends loved it - more than my husband seemed to, for some strange reason!

Sing (or read, if you prefer) to the tune of "Glory Glory Hallelujah," more properly known as "The Battle Hymn of the Republic."


He leaves the seat and lid up

Caring not who might fall in

As his wife did once at midnight

And got stuck up to her chin,

Accidentally hit the flusher

And went for a little spin!

The lid goes up and down!

Honey, Honey, put the lid down!

If you don't the kids may soon drown!

When stuff falls in I have to fish 'round!

The lid goes up and down!

To close both toilet seat and lid:

A very worthy goal!

The toddler likes to flush things,

Dog and cat drink from the bowl,

And when you think about it

It's a most unsightly hole!

The lid goes up and down!

Honey, Honey, put the lid down!

Or you'll wear a porcelain crown -

Then I'd grin instead of just frown!

The lid goes up and down!

He says, "I have to put it up;

Why shouldn't you work too?"

I say, "Let's all close everything

And hide the wat'ry view!"

Same work for all, looks nicer,

And more sanitary, too!

The lid goes up and down!

Honey, Honey, put the lid down!

You'll become a man of great renown!

I'll wear perfume and a French maid gown,

If you'll just learn to put the lid down!

copyright (c) C. Paden, please request permission to reprint

Are You Flushing Germs into the Air?

If you flush with the lid open, chances are that surfaces in your bathroom may have been contaminated with the aerosolized spray of toilet water, according to this abstract from Pub Med.

Sound off! Up or Down? YOU Decide! - Close the seat and close the lid too! Same work for everyone!

The battle of the sexes is here! Up or Down? Just the seat or the lid too? What is the rhyme and reason behind your bathroom behavior? Inquiring minds want to know! Keep it clean, please!

Up or Down? Seat only, or seat and lid?

Get it down to get'r done.

Get it down to get'r done.

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    • stargazer90 4 years ago

      i'm with the "get it down to get'r done" group...i hav no desire to fall in XD

    • anonymous 4 years ago

      Get the man One of these. Found this at a local retail store and thought it was quite funny. The voice on it is this sassy british voice. that is moderatly annoying. so it does work in putting the seat down

      It is called a potty mouth and is on amazon.

    • SellClean 5 years ago

      I was trained well. The seat and lid are always down.

    • anonymous 5 years ago

      forget the seat, shut the lid. I don't want bacterial mist all over my privi.

    • SeanVernall LM 6 years ago

      Both down, I lost a cell phone once.

    • Evelyn Saenz 6 years ago from Royalton

      Fear your toilet! Don't let anything out! Shut the lid!

    • Rhonda Albom 6 years ago from New Zealand

      Close it before you flush.

    • pumpnut lm 6 years ago

      The darn things splash a bit. With the lid down.

    • Tagsforkids 6 years ago

      I'll say down...for both. Not that the beating i got from my wife years ago had anything to do with my decision! :)

    • Vicki Green 6 years ago from Wandering the Pacific Northwest USA

      Down - seat AND lid - especially after finding a rat in the toilet!

    • jgelien 7 years ago

      At least the seat down for pity's sake. I had four brothers and more midnight baptisms than I care to remember. Luckily, my husband grew up with five sisters and was already trained properly when I acquired him.

    • blue22d 8 years ago

      It must go down. No matter how clean, no one wants to look at that "ugly" hole.

    • seedplanter 8 years ago

      Chef Keem is right. That's all I'm going to say about the matter. No, wait...there's more. I would like a photo of a man cleaning a toilet. That would do my heart good.

      Down. The seat and lid should be down. Nothin' worse than forgetting to look and falling six feet to the cold porcelain.

    • Lori Lee-Ray 8 years ago

      I trained my now ex-husband to put the lid down by reversing things on him. He left it up..I sat in. After the 3rd time of it, I paid him back. 2 am., the toilet, me, and a roll of saran wrap. At 6 am, he was the one all wet!

    • anonymous 8 years ago

      down with all! Or heads will roll, bacteria could flow out and land on our toothbrushes:( thank you, myth busters episode

    • Teacher Adez7 8 years ago

      This is hilarious!

    • Wendy Henderson 8 years ago from PA

      Keep it down. :)

    • Susan Deppner 8 years ago from Arkansas USA

      I trained my boys to put that seat back down and close the lid! Am I a great mom, or what??

    • Achim Thiemermann 9 years ago from Austin, Texas

      Most men don't know how to aim. So, first up - then down. It's the nice thing to do.

    • ladybuglady 9 years ago

      Please be neat and close the seat - and lid!

    • anonymous 9 years ago

      Yes, for the love of all man (and mostly woman) kind, "seats down gentlemen!"

    • anonymous 9 years ago

      Seat and lid down!

    • tandemonimom lm 9 years ago

      Close it all! Hide the hole! Never lose anything to the watery grave again!

    It's all on the up and up!

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      • E L Seaton 5 years ago from Virginia

        Poetry like your's I hope you agree it's true,

        Kep your loo upbeat and anything but blue.

        Geat lens which inspired me to loo verse too! Keep sharing

      • KimGiancaterino 6 years ago

        I'm okay with the lid up, but our cats like to play in the water. Much safer to keep the lid down.

      • Paul 6 years ago from Liverpool, England

        Leave it as is after using. No unnecessasy movements.

      • Draconius LM 6 years ago

        up or down doesn't matter to me unless its for a number two instead of a pee

      • callinsky lm 7 years ago

        Teach 'em right from the get go, teach your boys to sit and go. Ta haaaa haaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! (O; Very funny! Great stuff.

      • anonymous 7 years ago

        Seats and lids up! Sorry women, it is still a man's world whether you want to acknowledge it or not. After all you were created out of man's rib to be a helper and a companion and not a mouthpiece to make decisions in the household unless of course, you happen to be one of the 75% of our socity who's divorced and heading up your own household in which case we hope the divorce wasn't because the seat or lid was up or down.

      • kephrira lm 9 years ago

        I don't see why women always expect men to put the seat down for them - we don't ask you to put it up when you've finnished for our benefit do we?

      • Jimmie Lanley 9 years ago from Memphis, TN, USA

        It's fine with me if the lid is up. Just keep the seat down, please.

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      How Women Get Away with ... - by comedy team Man Stroke Woman

      Okay, it's not exactly toilet seat humor, but it is bathroom related. And very, very funny.

      Many thanks for

      SquidAngel blessings from

      Thanks to tagsforkids for his angelic SquidArt.

      Squidoo logo is a trademark of Squidoo LLC. Graphics, Squidart and Squidoodles 2008 by tagsforkids (Steve Thompson).

      Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 License.


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        • stargazer90 profile image

          stargazer90 4 years ago

          I can see why you're one of the great lens masters in this category! Great lens :-)

        • SellClean profile image

          SellClean 5 years ago

          Very funny and informative lens. Seat down!

        • profile image

          toiletbowlb 5 years ago

          I am totally agree with your opinion about the toilet bowl. this lens is very encouraging to people who want to know toilet bowl.

        • KimGiancaterino profile image

          KimGiancaterino 6 years ago

          I'm the only female in our household and have fallen into the toilet more than once during the middle of the night. Not fun! I enjoyed your lens very much.

        • evelynsaenz1 profile image

          Evelyn Saenz 6 years ago from Royalton

          This is one of the funniest lenses I have ever read! With tears of laughter pouring down I am calling my sister to sing to her about her need to fear her toilet.

          SquidAngel Blessed:)

        • profile image

          Joan4 6 years ago

          Oh I think your song is fabulous!!! You are so creative and this page is hilarious!

        • SusanDeppner profile image

          Susan Deppner 6 years ago from Arkansas USA

          How fun to re-visit this page. Clever, clever poem!

        • RhondaAlbom profile image

          Rhonda Albom 6 years ago from New Zealand

          Love it. Thanks for the laugh. Blessed. Please add a link to which ever plexo you think best fits on my humor angel lens.

        • Paul Ward profile image

          Paul 6 years ago from Liverpool, England

          My cats used to drink from the bowl, rather than from fresh water! Leave it up.

        • ILoveLegosToo profile image

          Tom Fattes 6 years ago from Naperville, IL

          Toilet paper has to go over, otherwise it just spins forever

        • profile image

          anonymous 6 years ago

          I think it takes a very considerate man to put a toilet seat up, He is not obligated to put it up in the first place. If you don't mind wiping urine from the seat, we will just leave it down all the time. I don't like having to touch the toilet seat with my bare hands to raise it for the ladies. After all i can do m,y business either way, Get off your high horse ladies !

        • Tagsforkids profile image

          Tagsforkids 6 years ago

          Had fun with the lens, but no, never fell in! :)

        • Dianne Loomos profile image

          Dianne Loomos 6 years ago

          I still think this is funny!

        • LouiseKirkpatrick profile image

          LouiseKirkpatrick 6 years ago from Berkshire, United Kingdom

          Very funny :)

        • PNWtravels profile image

          Vicki Green 6 years ago from Wandering the Pacific Northwest USA

          Yep, I've fallen in. Very funny lens!

        • profile image

          jgelien 7 years ago

          The Battle Hymn still has me giggling. Congratulations on a hilarious lens.

        • profile image

          JohnWulff 8 years ago

          Great lens. I loved the Battle Hymn!

        • blue22d profile image

          blue22d 8 years ago

          Cute lens and glad to see it. Five stars to ya. Do stop by and visit my lens californiaraisins. This lens could use a little love. Thanks.

        • profile image

          seedplanter 8 years ago

          What a fun lens! This topic has been a long time coming. Love it!

        • Lori Lee-Ray profile image

          Lori Lee-Ray 8 years ago

          this was hilarious! brought back a funny time for me too!

        • aka-rms profile image

          Robin S 8 years ago from USA

          Very cute lens topic! 5*

        • profile image

          julieannbrady 8 years ago

          You know you'll get a kick out of this -- at the office we have ONE loo/toilet! For the entire office staff -- 5 women and 6 men -- not to mention any visitors and guests! That scenario is enough to boggle the mind -- up/down, wet, no TP, TP over/under, etc. Funny lens.

        • Teacher Adez7 profile image

          Teacher Adez7 8 years ago

          Blessed and stared :) Good job, mad me laugh!

        • profile image

          GrowWear 8 years ago

          Very funny lens. :)

        • Lou165 profile image

          Lou165 8 years ago from Australia

          What a great idea for a lens 5* all the way.

        • Lou165 profile image

          Lou165 8 years ago from Australia

          What a great idea for a lens 5* all the way.

        • LouiseKirkpatrick profile image

          LouiseKirkpatrick 8 years ago from Berkshire, United Kingdom

          Love it...5 *


        • SusanDeppner profile image

          Susan Deppner 8 years ago from Arkansas USA

          Fun topic and I absolutely love the song, which will be stuck in my head the rest of the day, no doubt!

        • WritingforYourW profile image

          WritingforYourW 8 years ago

          lol, a cute idea for a lens. I think I'm glad I live alone, so I have the toilet seat all to myself :)

        • chefkeem profile image

          Achim Thiemermann 9 years ago from Austin, Texas

          Great lens! Featured in my lens "Funniest Squidoo Lensmasters". 5*s

        • kephrira lm profile image

          kephrira lm 9 years ago

          Love the lens; for more humour take a look at The Funniest Newspaper Headlines and More

        • jimmielanley profile image

          Jimmie Lanley 9 years ago from Memphis, TN, USA

          Looks like you've been busy making more lenses! :-) Great job!

        • profile image

          ratopiangirl 9 years ago

          This is my new favorite poem!

        • profile image

          ladybuglady 9 years ago

          Love all these t-shirts! And I want one of those special toilet lids - nice! 5 stars, faved, thanks!

        • Dianne Loomos profile image

          Dianne Loomos 9 years ago

          Carma, you did a great job pulling this all together! 5*, and faved!