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Top 10 Fools Mr. T Should Pity
Mr T pities these fools...and you should too.
Why should Mr. T beat up the fools on this list? Because they are fools, and as everyone well knows fools need pitying. And to be beaten up.
Below you will find a listing of the most annoying celebrities known to man. Some are scary. Some are d-bags. But all of them are deserving of a beatdown, straight up Mr. T style!
It's T-time, sucka! TIme to pity some fools, that is!
10. Michael Cera
We get it. You're a wimp. Give it a rest already.
When you first hit the scene in Superbad, I thought, "Hey, this kid's kinda funny." And then I saw you in about 5 more movies where you played the exact same character. You're like the Zoolander of acting--you've only got one personality.
We get it. You're a nerdy, wimpy eccentric little she-boy and you can't get any chicks. It's just not entertaining anymore. Mr. T could fart and blow you away, pansy.
9. Kathy Griffin
OMG, please stop talking.
I'm sorry Big Red but even if you offer to do that to me (see pic), it's not going to change my mind. Your screeching voice and refusal to stop talking bought you a spot on this list. Yes, we see you. We hear you. It really hasn't changed anything.
At some point, you'll be performing at a comedy club in Chicago and it just so happens that Mr. T is in the audience. Due to his high intolerance level for fools, once you start yapping (and don't stop) T will promptly attempt to beat the fool right out of you.
8. Rosie O'Donnell
Please take a step back, sir.
My god this wildebeast of a woman is disgusting. I'm fairly confident she is a man, or at least was a man at some point. How can I tell? Because her adam's apple is as big as her scrotum, that's how.
What could be more gratifying than the brutally honest comments by Donald "Bad Hair Day Everyday" Trump concerning his strong distaste for Rosie O'Donnell? I'll tell you what--watching Mr. T thrash her about the head and neck area. HARD.
Bye Rosie. Please wobble away.
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7. Richard Simmons
You husky little guy, you.
Ah, Richard. All these years of sweating to the oldies and you're still overweight. You and that Subway tool, Jared. Dub tee eff?
I can only hope Mr. T takes you down with a punch from a distance. God help the man that is forced into a greco-roman wrestling match with Richard Simmons. Even if you win, you still lose. A few nipple tweaks and a sore bunghole later and T comes out on top.
Quick side note--isn't it ironic that the nickname for Richard is Dick? Chew on that for a minute.
6. Carrot Top
My God you frighten me.
Carrot Top, what the hell happened to you? In the 80s you were an ugly red-headed unfunny comic. Today you're an uglier red-headed unfunny comic on roids wearing eyeliner. You took bad and made it into worse. Damn, son! You look like the bastard child of Lion-O and Ronald McDonald!
Although you're all muscly now (yes I made that word up), Mr. T would have no problem taking you out. As soon as he spots your crazy fool face sporting mad guyliner, he would pity your arse into a tree. Take that, sucka!
5. Dr. Phil
It just baffles me that people buy the line of crap this guy is selling. You know how you can tell when Dr. Phil is full of crap? When his lips are moving.
Homeboy has got to have a gang of writers sitting around trying to come up with the R-tarded lines he uses. Half the time they don't even make sense. "That's about as smart as having your pet monkey hand out snowcones to a girl scout on Sunday morning." WHAT?
Dr. Phil McCracken, you are a self-serving jackass that hides behind a wall of falsehoods and uninteligible phrases. Mr. T would quickly recognize you for the fool you are, grab both your hands and force you to slap your blad spot while shouting, "Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!"
4. Joan Rivers
At least your daughter's kinda hot.
I should probably feel a degree of pity (ala Mr. T) given the obvious physical deformities as a result of your plastic surgery gone horribly wrong. But you're such a twatwaffle, I don't. Joan Rivers, top secret cousin to The Beast starring Ron Perlman from the 80s, you are an annoying nag.
Who knows? Maybe T could hit you hard enough to reset that face back to something that remotely resembles human.
3. Larry the Cable Guy
It's just not funny anymore. Please go away.
Look, Uncle Mater. We get it. You're white trash. You enjoy a good farmer's tan. Your pickup truck has a gun rack in the back window. And a confederate flag. You're a frequent visitor to Wal-Mart. On a weekday evening, one can probably find you with a delicious can of Natural Light in hand as you kick back and watch Nascar.
It's just not funny any longer. You're about as played out as Jeff Foxworthy's "you might be a redneck if" one-liners. Racial underpinings aside, I would love to see Mr. T beat the hell out of you badly enough that you were afraid to leave your house. None of us would ever have to suffer through another Blue Collar Comedy Tour special on Comedy Central. Ugh.
2. Simon Cowell
God this guy needs his arse kicked. Bad.
I guess I don't understand the appeal. I suppose people watch this flat-haired Frankenstein-lookin' freak because of the drama he brings. Simon Cowell is such a spiteful jackalope that sometimes he even gets angry at himself.
What's that, Simon? You give us a big thumbs down? I'd like to see Mr. T take that thumb and cram it where the sun don't shine--sideways! (Twice.)
1. Kanye West
Dude. You suck.
What can I say about Kanye? Sir, your douchebaggery knows no bounds. You are to the black race what Ed Hardy is to white culture. The world is worse off for your existence. You suck so hard that the word suck is insufficient to truly express your suckiness. And your ability to rap is sub-par at best and the autotone isn't hiding it.
As for Kanye's quote about being "the voice of this generation," the only thing you're the voice is of is your own jackassiness. Nobody likes you. Except you. Jackass.
T, please be sure to do irreversible damage to Kanye's voicebox when you take him out. If he can't talk, we all win.