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Top 10 Things To Avoid While Peeing in Public
Top 10 Things NOT To Do When You're Going Pee in a Public Restroom
Ah, there's nothing quite like the experience of a public restroom. Much like Forrest Gump, you never quite know what you're going to get. It's a given that the smell emitting from the bathroom will be pungent at best and repugnant at worst. You may walk in to see grandpa with his pants around his ankles, trying to tuck in his lightbulb. (Think about that one for a minute and it will come to you.) When entering a stall, you could have the pleasure of deducing what someone had for lunch that day. I'll never quite understand how people drop those "dukey grenades" in toilets, the craps where it literally looks like a poo explosion from on high. Do you think they scream out "Imcoming!" when they're ejecting?
Given that it's safe to assume going in to the restroom this will be an unpleasant experience, please do your best to observe the following Top 10 Things Not To Do While Peeing list. And slap your mom for not teaching you the basics. Society will thank you.
Number 10 -- Long Conversations
K.I.S.S. -- Keep It Simple Stupid
When I'm in the bathroom, the only thing I'm focused on is to do my business then get the hell out of there. This is not a leisure spot. We are not on vacation. Don't engage me in a long conversation when I have my weiner in my hand. It's uncomfortable.
If you've got something brief to say, that's fine. Spit it out (that's what she said). But don't tell me about your weekend or your kids or the game or all of the other stuff I really don't care about when we're in a room that smells like feces.
Number 9 -- Grunting
C'mon, guys. Really? That poop is so powerful and determined to stay in there that you have to grunt like you're lifting weights? I've even witnessed people grunt while they're peeing! WTF?
If you decide to grunt when you're dumping at home, fine. Even then it's weird and you probably need some Metamucil in your life. In the privacy of your own home, you can swing from the chandelier and throw poop snowballs for all I care.
There's a distinction to be made between what is acceptable private behavior and what is acceptable public behavior. If you're so impacted that you have to grunt in public, wait till you get home. Better yet, go see a doctor. It's not normal and again, it's uncomfortable for everyone else in the room. Sheesh.
Pooping and Grunting - It's only okay for babies.
Number 8 -- Wiping Boogers On the Wall
I'm not making this up.
Think I'm joking? Next time you are standing at a public urinal, look closely at the wall in front of you. 9 times out of 10 you'll see little boogies plastered up like abstract art.
I have never understood this behavior. I guess people pick out of boredom? An average pee wraps up inside of 60 seconds easily, so couldn't you just wait until you're done then reach behind you and grab some toilet paper out of the stall? Peeing and picking certainly don't go together, so that's not it. This just baffles me. And why would you want to put your weiner cells up your nose? Penis sniffer.
Pee on me. - Pee books, pee toys, pee novelties, pee signs, urinals
Number 7 -- Peeing On the Wall, Floor, or Toilet Lid
I don't want to touch urine. I don't want to step in urine. And unlike R. Kelly, I don't want to sit in urine.
It's really not that difficult. Minimal effort is required here. Just look where you're going and aim the little guy. It's like archery. But with weiners.
Don't Pee on the Floor YouTube Video - Don't pee on the toilet lid and don't pee on the wall either, pee pee boy.
Number 6 -- Dropping Your Pants And/Or Underwear To Your Ankles
This worked when you were 5. This doesn't work once you're old enough to drive.
I worked at the neighborhood grocery store when I was in high school. One of the managers there, we'll call him "Clay" because that was his name, would drop his khakis down to his ankles and stand at the full length urinal and pee. Grown man had fire trucks on his boxer shorts one time. True story.
I think he was doomed from birth. Surely you are condeming your child to a life of social retardation the day you choose the name "Clay."
Don't be Clay.
Number 5 -- Farting
Don't blow a$$ in public.
Just hold it. I know it's all the same muscle groups and whatnot, but just hold it.
If you're sitting on the toilet and you fart, it reverberates inside the dome and causes an echo effect. That is fart amplification at its worst. When you're standing at a urinal and crack the cheese, you may as well have just farted on me. It's not like it stays isolated to a 12 inch radius behind your crevice. And I did not want to be farted upon today.
Fart in Public Restroom YouTube Video - Farting in public restrooms is bad for business.
Number 4 -- Looking Around
Eyes straight ahead, sailor.
Did you lose something? Why else would your eyes be wandering all around when there is literally nothing in this room but white walls and weiners?
As stated previously, the natural assumption if you're looking all around is that you want a bit of what I've got. Keep your eyes focused straight ahead like you're taking an eye exam and don't deviate. In fact, don't even look down at yours lest I suspect you were trying to glance at mine out of your periphery.
Lessons in Public Bathroom Etiquette YouTube Video - Private bathroom etiquette is far different than public restroom etiquette.
Number 3 -- Prolonged Eye Contact
What are you looking at?
If we're talking and you happen to glance quickly at me, fine. I can live with that. But if you stare at me for more than a second or two, I'm going to start questioning what it is you're looking at. Or trying to look at.
You see, men are homophobic. It's who we are. If you look at me when my wenis is exposed, my natural assumption is that you want a bite. Sorry but this is not free sample day at Piggly Wiggly. Move along.
Why Do Some Men Sit Down to Pee? That's a big dose of effiminate. - Sit down to pee YouTube Video
Number 2 -- Don't Touch Me
This ain't no scratch and sniff.
For the love of God, whatever you do, if my schlama-lama-ding-dong is in my hand do not for any reason whatsoever touch me. My natural assumption will be that you wish to force homo-erotic pleasures on me, and I am running late for an appointment.
Don't touch my arm (no Dutch Rudders), don't pat my back, don't rub my shoulders, and under no circumstances should you ever spank my heinie. If you slap my arse like we just played a round of basketball and say "good game," you are likely going to be the happy recipient of an uppercut.
The Pee Song - Listen to this song about pee. You're welcome.
Welcome to the pee party. Won't you join us?
Number 1 -- Don't Pee Right Next To Me
Obviously you want me.
Always leave a buffer. Dudes need personal space. The only way I'm allowing you near me is if you're packing a set of double Ds, and those fat "moobs" don't count.
C'mon, man. You should know better. This is by far the single most offensive act one male can inflict on another in a public restroom outside of butt polo. Nothing good comes from you standing right by me. You're either going to get pee on my shoes or trip and accidentally gouge my manhole with your mushroom. And I will call a foul.