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Top 10 Ways Mr. T Would Pity You...and Beat You Up
Why does Mr. T want to beat you up? Why not.
Mr. T don't play. If you step out of line, he's going to step in your face. Fool.
Based on totally true eyewitness accounts, below you will find the top 10 methods Mr. T has used to put the beatdown on unsuspecting fools. So many fools to pity, so little time.
Enough of the jibba jabba. On with the countdown!
Number 10. Mr. T will stare you to death.
Don't look him in the eyes! He's like Medusa.
Yeah, that's right. If Mr. T happens across you and you're looking all foolish, he can glare at you and cause your heart to stop beating. And then restart it if he so chooses. Which he doesn't.
As is evidenced from the picture, Mr. T's tat says it all--T.C.B. That's right. T is Taking Care of Bidness.
No man can withstand the compound effect of the glaring, disapproving eyes combined with the single biceps pose as pictured here. No man...or woman.
Number 9. Mr. T will run you over with the T-mobile.
What's worse than a 240 pound Mr. T coming at you? A 240 pound Mr. T wrapped in 1 ton of automobile. The T-mobile, that is.
The T-mobile is a fluid object. What this means is Mr. T walks outside and the first car he sees that he likes, he takes. If Mr. T is rollin' deep and spots some fool who obviously needs pitying, he may very well run you down T-mobile style. Only T never rolls over some fool once--it's always twice for good measure.
Number 8. Mr. T flexes his left pectoral and sends you flying through a wall.
That's right. The left one.
Since T is left-handed, it only makes sense that he's left-chested as well. So let's say you're walking down the street one day minding your own business when Mr. T spots you. T sees you for the fool that you are (don't even try to deny it). With a blood-curdling growl, Mr. T sprints toward you as pee trickles down your leg. His huge hulking frame stops just shy of ramming you when suddenly his massive chest heaves forward and KRACKOW! -- smacks your puny arse right through a brick wall.
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Number 7. T-farts!
That's right. T-farts.
I mean, c'mon. Look at T's facial expression in the pic. His farts are so bad that even he can't even stand them.
It is said that the only time Mr. T will hold his flatulence is during church--if it's a good sermon. Small children, pets, plantlife and the like will all succumb to the bomb that is a T-fart. Paint will melt from walls. Sidewalks will crack. Other farts are embarrassed by their lack of gusto.
Death by T-fart. Yep.
Number 6. Mr T. will pummel you with baseballs.
Think I'm playing? Here's photographic evidence. One time Mr. T was in a sneaky, Rambo-hiding-in-the-mud type mood and went undercover as a baseball player. As soon as that little fool of a batboy came around the corner, POP! Ball upside the head. Next time you better run to get those bats and stop dilly dallyin'!
Number 5. Mr. T will sick Mini T on you.
He'll take your lunch money and wrinkle your school clothes!
It is said that Mini T was not birthed, but rather he emerged one day from Mr. T's beard. Born of food crumbs and willpower, this tiny titan will, on command, attack with the ferocity of a...well, a mini Mr. T.
Whatever you do, do not face this duo together. Mr. T will attack high and Mini T will attack low. While Mr. T is punching you about the head and neck area, Mini T is biting your ankle and tying your shoelaces together. Next thing you know you're punching the sidewalk with your face!
Number 4. Mr. T will learn the force and force it down your throat.
Force you, he will.
Fools. Jibba jabba. Airplanes. A Jedi craves not these things.
It's a little known fact that Mr. T has studied the ways of the force. If so inclined, he has the ability to shapeshift into the great Jedi Master himself, Yoda, while still retaining T's likeness.
Yoda-T will flip all around you at lightspeed, severing one of your arms since you are greedy and have two. Next thing you know Yoda-T is beating you with your own arm and shouting, "Stop hitting yourself, fool!"
Number 3. Mr. T will eat your doctor then pretend to be your gynecologist.
Even if you didn't go to the gynecologist.
Somebody order a pap smear? Well, you're getting one!
When T plays doctor, this is the only time, and I repeat, the ONLY time you do not have to address him as Mr. T. In this case, it's Dr. T. Or if he's feeling saucy, it may be Mr. Dr. T.
Don't get it wrong.
Dr. T can take you out any number of ways, but his favorite method tends to be yelling into the stethoscope at your heart and telling it to stop beating. BAM!
Number 2. Mr. T directs you to beat yourself up.
In the ultimate act of humiliation, T may direct his foe to pummel himself. There are times where people are so foolish, T knows they are not worthy of the gift that is a Mr. T beatdown.
Allow me to paint the picture. T is walking through the mall (because he got sick of the streets not having enough fools to pity). T happens across this fool, lookin' all fool-like. Mr. T thinks to himself, "Hmm. This fool needs some direction." So T shouts out, "Hey fool! You betta beat yo'self up!!!"
Mr. T Hilarious YouTube Video - Mr. T pitys fool, refuses to board plane
Number 1 -- Mr. T crams your face in his crack, scrunches up his butt cheeks and rips your head off.
I've seen him do it.
This is not pretty. Trust me, you don't want any part of this. Out of all the various ways that Mr. T could do you in, this is by far the worst.
Here's the scene. It's a hot summer day in the mean streets of Chicago. T is sweating profusely and frankly a little swampy. During his routine pity patrol, he comes across you: a fool. Prepare to be pitied upside the head.
T walks slowly toward you, relishing in your fear. You try to escape but your legs are like rubber. T hates rubber. He snatches you up by the neck and crams your face between his butt cheeks. Wait a tic, what's that smell? Too late. SCRUNCH! Off with your head.
Mr. T vs. Chuck Norris -- Poll - Who would win in a fight? Chuck Norris vs Mr. T
Who would win in a battle royale if tough guy Mr. T fought roundhouse kickin' Chuck Norris?
Are there any Mr. T beatings that we missed here? Just want to talk some jibba jabba about how BA this lens is? You betta say no to school and stay on drugs, fool.