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Wit for Wine Lovers

Updated on March 19, 2015
No More WINE?  OMG!
No More WINE? OMG! | Source

Witty Wonders for Wine Lovers

CHEERS! Are YOU a vintage vixen? Wine enthusiast? Viva su vino! Enjoy our fun entertainment for wine lovers. Laugh out loud with these funny wine stories, wine jokes & quotes, cartoons, photos and fun wine gifts. The fun starts here.

Like finding funny wine jokes and hilarious LOL vino humor? Then you are in the right place. Make sure to help name the new Wally Wine and to stop in at the Hiney Winery.

Have FUN, ya vintage vixen!

Heck with the ice bucket challenge. I'm going to drink a bucket of wine for those poor people in the Napa Valley who were hit by an earthquake.

— CrossCreations
wine
wine

POLL: Help Name the New Walmart Wine - Wally Wine Coming Soon! Make YOUR Vote Count!

The world's largest retail chain - Walmart (Wally World) wants to produce their own brand of vino spirits at an affordable price. So Wal-Mart customers will soon be able to sample their newest discount item - Wal-Mart's very own brand of wine.

So help name this new brand of Walmart Wine with your vote from the top ten in the poll below. So far it looks like 'Nasty Spumanti' is in the lead. You agree? Vote below.

What would be the best name for this new Walmart Wine?

See results
wine
wine

Water, Wine and Science

Funny Wine Jokes Extraordinaire

Scientists have found in clinical studies that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) - the same bacteria found in feces. In other words, we have consumed 1 kilo of POOP!

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

See below what that means...

Water = Poop and Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,

than to drink water and be full of sh*t!

wine
wine

We Will Serve No Wine Before It's Time!

A wine vendor once got a phone call from a customer wanting to know if hehad any vintage Beringer White Zinfandel in stock.

Ah...no. Vintage Zinfandel?

Actually more than 90% of all wine produced in the world is meant to drink right away, meaning anywhere between now and 6 months. 90%!

So very little wine is actually made for aging. Something like Two-Buck Chuck or Beringer White Zinfandel will definitely never be vintage from aging.

Heaven forbid if anyone actually HAD some five-year old White Zin, or even older, for that would probably be some of the most awful wine EVER!

Forgive me, for I have zinned!

"Burgundy makes you think of silly things,

Bordeaux makes you talk of them

and Champagne...makes you do them."

— - Brillat-Savarin

Funny Lines About Wines

We heard it through the grapevine...

* Dr. Freud would say that pinot noir lovers suffer from pinot envy.

* Did Marilyn drink Merlot? and * How Merlot can you go?

* A pickup line for a wine bar: "Hi! Would you like to corkscrew?"

* A cork retriever is NOT a dog from Ireland!

* Wine improves with age. The older I get, the more I like it.

* Did you hear about the new blend of pinot blanc, pinot noir, and pinot grigio that acts as a diuretic? It's called pinot more! (get it? pee no more!)

Now go visit the Hiney Winery below ... listen to Harry Hiney & Seymour Hiney talk about what they like to put in their hiney, I mean winey.

You Simply MUST Visit the Hiney Winery LOL! Go now.

Wine Trivia Game from the Cork Jester

'The Cork Jester' is a wine journalist with a wacky sense of humor. In this Wine Teasers Game, each card bears one question, three possible answers, and a hint for the desperate. The creator is Jennifer Rosen (the Cork Jester) who has won several awards for her witty and refreshing wine writing.

Also check out a fun book written by The Cork Hester. With sections like "Don't Blame the Grape" and "When Good Wines Go Bad" the author does a great job in snuffing out wine snobbery and making understanding vino easy and fun.

"The Cork Jester's Guide to Wine" will bring many smiles & giggles. Discover the world of wine without pain. The anecdotes, the self-deprecating attitude, remarkable humor and superb writing make this book an absolute must for everybody who is not a snob. BUY it. You will savor it.


The Cork Jester on Amazon

Cork Jester's Wine Teasers
Cork Jester's Wine Teasers

Examples of questions are:

Why are rosebushes planted in vineyards?

In Portugal, the "lagar" is an important part of wine making. What is it?

In wine talk "fruity" means?

Jack Lemon said this in which movie? "You'd be surprised how much fun you can have sober. When you get the hang of it."

 

Water into Wine

The Irish Priest and the State Trooper

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

wine
wine

"I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often, but I'm well preserved."

— ~ Rose Kennedy on her 100th birthday

Wine and a Woman's Age

How to tell a woman's age by her choice of wine...

Wine coolers = Teenager, White Wine = Twenties

Red Wine = Thirties, Dom Perignon = Forties

Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser = age 60 and Up

wicked wench
wicked wench

A Woman's Best Friend...

Real man or real wine?

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will reassure & comfort her. He will inspire her to do new things and to live without fear & regret.

He will enable her to express her emotions & give in to her desires. He will be sure she feels as she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy and invincible.

No wait, sorry. I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that. Never mind.

Sink Floyd???

wine
wine

The Unbroken Wine Bottle and the Car Wreck

a funny story, what would YOU do?

A woman and a man were involved in a bad car accident. Both cars were totalled, but amazingly, neither of them were hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unharmed. This must be a sign that we should meet and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "Oh yes! I agree with you completely. This must be a sign!"

The woman continued ... " and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely ruined, but look at this bottle of wine that did not even break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

So she hands the bottle to the man. The man opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to her.

She takes the bottle and puts the cap back on, handing it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No thanks. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Hilarious Bar Accessories or Gift for Wine Lovers

Ya know there really IS a wine glass that holds an entire bottle of wine. Yup, so don't let Betty White have all the fun (above).

You will find it over at amazon. Lots of funny wine accessories and gifts there.

Check out this set of three funny happy man accessories.

Bottle Stopper, Opener and Corkscrew Combination Pack.

Fun gift for wine lovers!

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine with her husband and she says, "I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."

Who came here from where?

© 2009 Carolan Ross

Shout Out! Have FUN Here? - Did You Laugh Out Loud? Got a FAV on this Page?

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    • Baddew Fibes profile image

      Baddew Fibes 3 years ago

      Have bookmarked this as I'll be visiting again and again for the jokes - thanks!

    • profile image

      tonyleather 4 years ago

      As a l;over of good wine I think this is a great lens!

    • CrossCreations profile image
      Author

      Carolan Ross 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      @AlleyCatLane: Bet she will love it! Wine drinkers tend to have their very own sense of humor.

    • jmchaconne profile image

      jmchaconne 4 years ago

      I grew up living with my grandparents, who were Italian immigrants. My grandfather made his own wine, and we actually stomped the grapes, one of my fondest memories, and the wine was fantastic! Thanks for the memories!

    • profile image

      AlleyCatLane 4 years ago

      Very clever sayings. I'll have to send this to my daughter who loves wine.

    • ismeedee profile image

      ismeedee 4 years ago

      Love the 'Men are like Wine' quote!!! Hilarious!

    • CrossCreations profile image
      Author

      Carolan Ross 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      @NickiGill: Thanks CapLeo... C'mon back any ole time...the Hiney Winery and Vintage Vixen Crowd is waiting for you. Cheers!

    • CrossCreations profile image
      Author

      Carolan Ross 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      @Heather426: Thanks Heather, you vintage vixen you! :-)

    • Heather426 profile image

      Heather Burns 4 years ago from Wexford, Ireland

      OMG. so funny. Love it!

    • NickiGill profile image

      NickiGill 4 years ago

      Bloody hilarious! We'll be back - with wine in hand. Good one!

    • CrossCreations profile image
      Author

      Carolan Ross 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      @sheriangell: Cheers to wine lovers! Thanks Shirl.

    • sheriangell profile image

      sheriangell 4 years ago

      I love wine and I love this lens!

    • CrossCreations profile image
      Author

      Carolan Ross 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      @AngryBaker: Oh that's good, I'll add it here. Great wine quote! Thanks mucho.

    • alphatraduk profile image

      alphatraduk 4 years ago

      Great lens! Thank you.

    • profile image

      AngryBaker 4 years ago

      my favorite wine quote...

      An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the

      patio with her husband and she says,

      ..."I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without

      you."

      Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

      She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."

    • CrossCreations profile image
      Author

      Carolan Ross 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      @BuckHawkcenter: Oh yes, everyone should visit the Hiney Winery. I've been many times and still laugh outloud. Like wine itself, it just improves with age.

    • BuckHawkcenter profile image

      BuckHawkcenter 5 years ago

      OK, I really needed this laugh! Definitely LOL moments here! As a wine lover myself, just cracked up over the Hiney commercial.

    • Alana-r profile image

      Alana-r 5 years ago

      Really nice lens, it can only improve with age. Thanks for sharing.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Great fun man or wine has to wine every time!!

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      good stuff.....lol

    • profile image

      kimmanleyort 5 years ago

      Made my day!

    • tweeky lm profile image

      tweeky lm 5 years ago

      very cool lens, bless

    • Michelle Hogan profile image

      Michelle Hogan 5 years ago

      Awww, brought a tear to me eye!!

    • ResearchAddict profile image

      ResearchAddict 5 years ago

      Great lens! I love anything related to wine!

    • biminibahamas profile image

      biminibahamas 5 years ago

      TeeHEEE! I loved this lens!

    • profile image

      Iloveredwine 5 years ago

      This is a really fun site. I enjoyed the humor! I look forward to checking it our again!

    • Tagsforkids profile image

      Tagsforkids 5 years ago

      Thanks, I enjoyed myself!

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      very interesting lens, thanks

    • profile image

      Foodjackers 5 years ago

      Hi, I'm new to Squidoo and just started my first lens about wine and food. I really enjoyed your lens :)

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Cheers! Wine is just fine! :)

    • Spook LM profile image

      Spook LM 5 years ago

      Thanks for the laughs.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Enjoyed your lens. I think I'm going to give up water and just drink wine! All the best.

    • aesta1 profile image

      Mary Norton 6 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      I had fun reading your lens...

    • ghaelendlareh profile image

      ghaelendlareh 6 years ago

      This is very vunnyeh vino! Great lens!

    • ananimoss2 profile image

      ananimoss2 6 years ago

      I loved this lens. I am drinking wine while hanging out here!

    • winedirectory profile image

      winedirectory 6 years ago

      Great wine lens

    • TapIn2U profile image

      TapIn2U 6 years ago

      Great lens! very cool and perfect for lovers. Blessings sundae:)

    • KimGiancaterino profile image

      KimGiancaterino 6 years ago

      What a fun collection ... thank you for the laughs today. Welcome to the Squidoo Wine Cellar. I have that Wine-opoly game. It's pretty fun. Well, I'm off to enjoy an overflowing glass of "I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar." Salut!

    • ChrisDay LM profile image

      ChrisDay LM 6 years ago

      Magic!

    • Rita-K profile image

      Rita-K 6 years ago

      You have put such a big grin on my face! What a wonderful time I have had! I hope everyone watched the Hiney commercial!

    • Rita-K profile image

      Rita-K 6 years ago

      You have put such a big grin on my face! What a wonderful time I have had! I hope everyone watched the Hiney commercial!

    • Rita-K profile image

      Rita-K 6 years ago

      You have put such a big grin on my face! What a wonderful time I have had! I hope everyone watched the Hiney commercial!

    • Rita-K profile image

      Rita-K 6 years ago

      You have put such a big grin on my face! What a wonderful time I have had! I hope everyone watched the Hiney commercial!

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      I am going to share this great lens with my wine making buddies!

      I enjoyed this lens and features immensely.

    • profile image

      winelove 7 years ago

      funny sayings! I'm sure you have a love for wine. This is a fun lens!

    • oztoo lm profile image

      oztoo lm 7 years ago

      LOL for sure. Clever witty and loads of fun. I like the women's best friend but gee lots of funny lines and jokes here. Lensrolling to my Whimsical Wine Bottle Holders

    • Missmerfaery444 profile image

      Missmerfaery444 7 years ago

      Enjoyed this lens while drinking a glass of the red stuff! :)

    • BrandyT LM profile image

      BrandyT LM 7 years ago

      I love the Michael Godard picture you have on here. It's my favorite and is hanging in my bedroom.

    • RhondaAlbom profile image

      Rhonda Albom 7 years ago from New Zealand

      Very Fun lens Carol. Some of the lines on here are really good! I think I like Ben Franklin's the most. Nicely done.

    • SandyMertens profile image

      Sandy Mertens 7 years ago from Frozen Tundra

      Love the colors and photos on this lens. Some pretty good jokes here. I love the car wreak.

    • CrossCreations profile image
      Author

      Carolan Ross 7 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      @Wednesday-Elf: Thanks so much! ...and to your brother...CHEERS!

      A friend of mine has a similar brother, though more of a wine collector than a wine maker. We were out in the country one day and she pulls this bottle of champagne out of her cooler and it says 'vintage 1972' - oh MY! She says he moved to England and gave her most of his wine collection. So she chose one to celebrate a birthday...is that cool or what?

    • Wednesday-Elf profile image

      Wednesday-Elf 7 years ago from Savannah, Georgia

      Absolutely 'hysterical' story -- you had me "rolling on the floor". Fun wine quips and quotes for wine lovers. My brother is an amateur wine maker - began as a hobby 20 years ago and now he belongs to a wine group, and has learned so much and become so good at wine-making that 2 years in a row his 'wine' won a blue ribbon at the New York State Fair. His wine is delicious; in fact he arrives this Friday for a visit and I KNOW he will be bringing me a bottle or two of his best wine. :). And I'll be sharing this story with him -- he will appreciate the 'wine' humor!

    • ZenandChic profile image

      Patricia 7 years ago

      Fun and funny! Love it! Blessed by an angel!

    • CrossCreations profile image
      Author

      Carolan Ross 7 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      @kimmanleyort: Thanks Kim and Cheers to YOU!

    • CrossCreations profile image
      Author

      Carolan Ross 7 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      @WindyWintersHubs: Yep, the Wally Wine will be SO fine...Nasti Spumanti is in the lead for that label name but dang...so many other great names like Vinegar Vino, Redneck Reisling, more...

    • WindyWintersHubs profile image

      WindyWintersHubs 7 years ago from Vancouver Island, BC

      Can't wait for Wally Wine! I love white wine and the occasional red sangria. Here's to wine and to all wine lovers!

    • profile image

      kimmanleyort 7 years ago

      I am a wine lover too and this lens is adorable! Some great lines and products. 5*