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Funny Quotes about Weight Loss and Diets

Updated on December 12, 2017

I had every intention of writing some tongue-in-cheek advice about dieting and weight loss now that we're past the holidays, but while looking up calorie and fat related information, I came across this quote:

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. ~Author Unknown

Well, exactly! Dieting wouldn't really be necessary if we ate adequately. A bit of an excess over Thanksgiving or Christmas wouldn't make that much difference to our weight, but of course all of that changes if we are living on excesses all year round.

Changing gears

Never mind, the quote above made me change gears, and instead of writing some funny weight loss tips, that may (or likely not!) have inspired some of you to go on a healthy diet, I'm just going to laugh about it all, weight loss and dieting be damned.

Any which way, you're way better off being happy than being thin, and I assure you, dieting may make you thin, but it's very uncertain whether it will make you happy!

Reality check: you can never, ever, use weight loss to solve problems that are not related to your weight. At your goal weight or not, you still have to live with yourself and deal with your problems. You will still have the same husband, the same job, the same kids, and the same life. Losing weight is not a cure for life. ~Phillip C. McGraw, The Ultimate Weight Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom, 2003

Seriously, though

So this may be funny, but it's NOT healthy
So this may be funny, but it's NOT healthy | Source

The way I see it, there's only one genuinely good reason to lose weight: health. Nobody ever died of a bit of fat, but a whole lot of people die of a lot of it. So health is a good reason to lose weight, and that's about the end of it.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. ~Orson Welles

No disrespect, but...

There's really no good reason to torture oneself trying to fit an ideal of beauty that is totally surreal to begin with. And I don't care what Cosmo or Vogue or Vanity Fair say about it.

So, without further ado, here are some funny and apt quotes about dieting and weight loss, all by unknown authors, which is another way of saying some bloke or chick wrote them on a toilet door for the amusement of their fellow humans and the enrichment of pop culture.

You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut.

I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

I think I just ate my willpower.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

I'm on a 90-day wonder diet. Thus far, I've lost 45 days.

Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape... isn't it?

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

Food has replaced sex in my life; now, I can't even get into my own pants.

Are you laughing yet?


That may depend on whether you're on a diet, or trying to make up your mind about going on a diet, so here's one for you: The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humor.

Oh, come on, get over it, give me a giggle or a guffaw! If you can't lose weight that's no good reason to lose your sense of humor!

Part Two, Funny diet quotes with culprits


I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990. ~Dave Barry

If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information: french-fried potatoes are out. ~Jean Kerr

If nature had intended our skeletons to be visible it would have put them on the outside of our bodies. ~Elmer Rice

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it. ~Jackie Gleason

When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad. ~Janette Barber

The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage. ~Peggy Ryan

I bought a talking refrigerator that said "Oink" every time I opened the door. It made me hungry for pork chops. ~Marie Mott

You know it's time to diet when you push away from the table and the table moves. ~Quoted in The Cockle Bur

People say that losing weight is no walk in the park. When I hear that I think, yeah, that's the problem. ~Chris Adams

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat. ~Henny Youngman


I highly recommend worrying. It is much more effective than dieting. ~ William Powell

© 2011 Buffoon


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    Post Comment

    • Buffoon profile imageAUTHOR


      3 years ago

      HAHAHAHA Good one!

    • profile image


      3 years ago

      Tips to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right, then turn it to the left. Repeat this every time you are offered something to eat

    • Buffoon profile imageAUTHOR


      4 years ago

      Good one, SYTL! :D

    • Say Yes To Life profile image

      Yoleen Lucas 

      4 years ago from Big Island of Hawaii

      "Diet is die with a t." ~ Garfield.

    • Buffoon profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago

      Cheers, THAT Mary Ann!

      Gotta love your name :)

    • profile image

      THAT Mary Ann 

      7 years ago

      All we weight-challenged readers can certainly relate!

      Loved this.


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