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8 Zombie Skin Care Tips!
Skin Care for Zombies!
The hardest part about being a zombie is keeping up your human appearance. After all, every undead person knows how difficult it is to approach humans especially when your skin is falling off and you smell of rotting flesh.
Know that when you are looking your best, you are hunting your best. With that in mind, we have collected these tips to help you maintain that freshly killed look for your skin.
Zombie Skine Care Tip #1: - Ice Bath
The easiest way to revive undead skin is to take an ice bath. Immersing yourself in ice for an hour or so will do wonders for firming your skin. In addition, it will slow the natural decaying process. It will also harden your flesh and prevent it from tearing so easily. Warning: be careful not to stay in the bath too long or you will find it difficult to get out of it.
Zombie Skin Care Tip #2: - Beauty Mask
This might be one of the best zombie skin care tips I can give you, zombie to zobmie - Next on your list should be a beauty mask. Try this simple, low-cost, and easy to prepare recipe: grind 2 tablespoons maggots with 2 tablespoons fresh earth and 2 tablespoons rotten cucumbers to make a paste. Apply this to your face and exposed skin. Allow the mask to do its job for fifteen minutes before carefully removing it with a wash of freshly pureed worms.
Be sure to use a formaldehyde toner and blot generously over your skin. Toner is used to remove dirt you might have picked up while in the grave and freshen skin caked in dried blood. In addition, the formaldehyde helps preserve your flesh and keep it from further decay. It is best to apply the toner with slightly moldy gauze that has been soaked in it. Wrap the gauze around your skin and leave it there for an hour or so. When you remove it, you should notice amazing results.
Zombie Skin Care Tip #3: - Should You Exfoliate?
Never exfoliate! Humans who want to get rid of "dead skin" frequently brag about the wonders of exfoliating. They claim exfoliation is the fountain of youth. It is nearly impossible to find a human skin care website that does not refer to this grueling process. As a zombie, you should never exfoliate. Since you only have dead skin to work with, getting rid of it will not improve your looks. Do yourself and your skin a favor and avoid applying anything to it that even remotely resembles sandpaper.
Zombie Skin Care Tip #4: - Dead Sea
Use Dead Sea skin care products. These products are made from the smooth mud surrounding the Dead Sea and are specially formulated with zombies in mind. Other good zombie skin care brands include Oil of Zombay, La Dead-Posey, Phleshoderm, and Burt's zomBees. These skin care products are all designed with the needs of the modern zombie in mind.
Zombie Skin Care Tip #5: - Hydrate
Another important part of zombie skin care is staying hydrated. Zombies who do not drink enough blood with their brains will end up having dry, flaky skin (not to be confused with dead, rotting skin). They will also begin to develop fine lines, wrinkles, and flesh that no longer adheres properly to the decaying muscle tissue beneath it.
Hydration starts from the inside out. Being that you are a zombie, you are already behind the eight ball. It is wise to finish off as much of the human as you can and waste very little of his or her blood. If you aren't careful about what you are eating, you may find yourself nothing but a reanimated skeleton.
If you find your lips getting dry between feedings be sure to save a little human fat in your pocket to rub on them and keep them looking supple. (Note: American humans are the best source for this natural lip balm.)
Zombie Skin Care Tip #6:
Occasionally, you should pose as a corpse and visit the funeral home for an embalming spa treatment. Funeral homes not only will give you a fresh change of clothes, but also provide you with a nice makeover and rejuvenate what is left of your body.
They frequently perform manicures and will give you a bath to remove any debris and left over brains from your last victim. Before you leave, try the funeral director for an extra treat. This is a great way to tip the person who worked on you, since he or she will probably be promoted to fill the top position.
Zombie Skin Care Tip #7: - Problem Spots
Once you have tried these tips, if you notice that your skin is still not looking quite a lively as it used to look or if it begins to fall off, you can use concealer to cover problem spots and wood putty or wood filler to fill in any holes.
If you keep any flesh that has fallen off, you can use gorilla glue to re-adhere the flesh to any part of your body that needs it.
Zombie Skin Care Tip #8: - Sunscreen?
As a side note, you always should use a concealer that contains sunscreen in order to prevent UV damage when pillaging during daylight hours. It's not as if you are going to get a tan anyway, so you might as well protect the skin you have left from turning to burnt charcoal. Remember: the sun is a giant fireball and zombies do not mix well with fire.
Once you have concealed, don't forget to add a little color to your cheeks with a healthy dose of blush. Blush will get rid of pale, undead looking skin and give you the vibrant color of the living. Mineral blush in earth tones works best at providing a more natural look and frequently acts as a secondary sunblock. However, avoid using too much blush or you may find humans running away from you in fear because they think you are a clown. Adding a little bronzer to help conceal your paleness will offset this effect.
Zombie Thought Zombie Was Human?
Being a zombie doesn't mean you have to look like a zombie.
Zombie skin care is much simpler than skin care for the living. You no longer need to worry about acne, psoriasis, or eczema.
Following these easy skin care tips will keep you looking as if you are still living for a long time, and you'll be the envy of all your zombie hive friends.
But look out, my skin started looking so much better my girlfriend started coming after me like, well, a zombie!
She really thought I was a human, and not a zombie. And that really hurt my feelings. Zombies have feelings to you know.