10 Principles of Unconditional Parenting
Based on the Work of Alfie Kohn
We live in a conditional society, but many of us realize the inherent dangerous nature of treating one another in this manner. When we treat our children as if our love is conditional, meaning they have to do something to receive it, we are abandoning our responsibility as parents to love our children no matter what. According to Alfie Kohn, writer and speaker on issues related to human behavior, education, and parenting, what our children most need from us as parents is one thing: Unconditional Love.
The Ten Principles
While this gives a good base for what Alfie is trying to convey, I highly recommend visiting the Alfie Kohn website to read more of his work, or purchase the Unconditional Parenting DVD. Your life as a parent will not be the same.
- Consider your Requests - Maybe it is in what/how you have requested that the child is not responding favorably Maybe you need to re-think what you are doing. Are you sure you want to trick the kid to get her to do what you want?
- Put the Relationship First - Being right isn't necessarily what matters; it matters very little if your children stiffen when you walk into the room; what matters is the connection, the alliance, mutual respect. From a practical perspective, the relationship counts, where the child feels safe enough to explain why she did something wrong; when you put your foot down, is it worth any potential injury to the relationship?
- The Love has to be Unconditional - Love withdrawl is conditional love; when it does work, the price you are paying is too high - it says, "You have to earn my love." You go away from me or I go away from you - banishment. Kids need love that never stops coming; affection that does not have to be earned. "No matter what you do, I will never stop loving you." Stop that which gives the opposite message - positive reinforcement when they are good. Items are a display of love or a tool to control - you cannot have it both ways. When we praise them for making our lives easy, they look for that. More praise, the more insecure they become, the more dependent they become on our approval. They have to know they are loved even when they screw up or fall short. They need to know they are loved for who they are, not what they do. Time out is okay when the child decides and the time is something that helps the child center - something fun, diverting.
- Imagine how kids see Things - Look at the world from their point of view! The more you do that, the better a parent you tend to be. When I say, "X", how does she feel? Imagine how your friends (or relatives) seem to your child. From a young child's point of view, we're interfering with what looks fun.
- Be Authentic - Do not forget your humanity. Don't pretend to be more competent than you are, apologize to your child every so often ~ you'll find a reason.
- Talk less, Ask more - Listen, respond, elicit, imagine her perspective - makes you a better partner, too - manager, colleague - What is your perspective? Good parenting includes listening.
- Assume the Best ~ A tribute to Children: the best possible motive consistent with the facts. Why assume the child was trying to make you unhappy? Children of a certain age cannot understand promises, sitting still for a long family dinner. Don't assume the worst. We do not always know why kids do things. Kids live down to our negative expectations. Assume the best.
- Try to say Yes, when you can - Do not say No constantly. Sometimes you have to say No. Kids don't get better at coping with unhappiness when they were made unhappy deliberately when they were young. If you say Yes twice as often as you do now, they will still get plenty of opportunities with frustration. Pick your battles. This is not to say Yes out of laziness. Provide guidance, support. Mindful parenting. Say Yes as often as you can.
- Don't be Rigid - Waive the rules. Be flexible. Respond differently to different children and situations, understanding the context. Predictability is good, but don't make a fetish of it. United front is dishonest - more useful for kids to see we disagree and can talk it out.
- Let kids decide whenever possible - Support their autonomy, bring them in on the decision making. Children will feel better about themselves. The way kids make good decisions is by making decisions. Let them decide unless there is a compelling reason not to.
Do you agree that what our children need most is unconditional love?
Parenting kind of crazy?
Amy Phoenix (aka Rainbow Recognizer) is a gentle, yet direct mom of five dedicated to sharing insights and practices to help parents change the way they respond when parenting feels intense. Visit her at www.presenceparenting.com.