10 Reasons Why Outlaws are Better than In-Laws
1. Outlaws wear masks
When you consider your average outlaws, they have one thing in common – they wear a mask. The reason is obviously to hide their identity from those they rob. Unfortunately this practice is not carried out by mother-in-laws (MIL’s). I’m sure we can all think of MIL’s who would benefit from a mask covering their face. You know the ones – age has not been kind to them and they resemble an un-shelled walnut covered on top with steel wool. It might actually behoove the outlaws to consider wearing MIL masks to hide their faces, as it would have the knock-on effect of scaring the living daylights out of all who meet them!
2. Outlaws won't ask you personal questions
An outlaw is not interested in your personal life. They are only interested in how much they can steal from you. They won’t ask you any intimate questions. The MIL by contrast is overly interested in your personal life. She swings from the “I know you are having sexual relations with my daughter” look to the “Why aren’t you providing me with a Grandchild” look with effortless panache. She will ask you sex questions as to the frequency, duration, position, time of day or month, and even if there is a video she can critique, all in the name of protecting the family future into the next generation. Eek!
3. Outlaws will not talk
On the odd occasion that an outlaw is captured and tortured in an effort to discover their accomplices or hideout location, they are very good at keeping silent. Even under torture they will not utter a word to protect their friends. This cannot be said for the average MIL who has words leaving her mouth faster than bullets from a Gatling Gun. If you gave a MIL a half-second break to begin speaking, you might as well cancel the plans for the rest of the day. She will rant and rave about all that is wrong with society today, wrong with your marriage, wrong with teenagers, wrong with the elastic in her underwear and how it pinches her underarms when she pulls them up. Lesson here is to not give her that half-second.
4. You can kill an outlaw
Despite outlaws like Robin Hood claiming to help the poor, were you to slay one in an epic hand-to-hand knife fight, many folks would most likely applaud you. I am fairly certain that were you to do the same to your MIL as a result of her criticizing your lack of conception despite you having been married for 13 seconds; there would be an outcry! In both cases the extermination could be deemed fully justifiable. So, why the disparity?
5. Outlaws fight with real weapons
If you have ever seen an outlaw do his work, he uses real weapons to carry it out. Take Jesse James who used a Colt revolver to threaten his victims, or Dick Turpin who used a double-barreled flintlock pistol. Both were tangible weapons you saw and knew their effects. The MIL has a whole new set of weapons in her arsenal – guilt, withholding baby-sitting services, “the look”, the sloppy wet kiss, and so on. Give me a man holding a pistol at my head any day over a grumpy old lady talking to me like I’m a scolded child that has been sent to the corner!
6. Outlaws cannot dis-inherit you
Outlaws by nature are selfish and hoarders. They steal to better themselves (Robin Hood being a notable exception) and they have no intention of ever giving any of their money to you. A MIL on the other hand, is sitting on a little treasury called “inheritance” and has the ultimate power to bestow or withhold said bounty. With an outlaw, you know you ain’t getting any, but with the MIL the carrot is left dangling in front of you ready to be withdrawn at your first faux pas!
7. Outlaws only steal money
It is customary for outlaws to steal. Their motives vary, but they all have larceny at the root of their character traits. Some, like Robin Hood, steal with the agenda that they want to give it back to the less fortunate who have been ill treated by authorities. Others steal so they can in turn spend the money frivolously. MIL’s by contrast steal joy and don’t use it. If they used the joy they stole it would show on their faces, and it clearly doesn’t (see reason #1).
8. Outlaws won't want to move in
The success of all outlaws in their ability to appear from nowhere, perform their thievery and then disappear into who-knows-where like a mist fading off into the distance. They won’t want to hang around you any longer than is necessary. MIL’s simply love to hang around, and hang around, and hang around. This is then taken to the next level when they decided that they don’t need their own big house but instead should come and live with you. There are no such things as “outlaw suites” and that is for a very good reason!
9. Outlaws can't accurately predict the future.
This one might be a stretch, but fortune telling is outlawed in some places. Wikipedia informs us that in the state of New York and in New Zealand it is a misdemeanour (unless solely for entertainment), whereas in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia it is strictly forbidden and punishable by death! Whether it's legal or not, it's accuracy is questioned by many. Not so with a mother-in-law. She can accurately predict the future! You must have heard people say about potential wives to look at their mothers to see what you will be married to in 30 years. Eek! That cute, slender, lithe little thing might grow on you throughout your marriage - quite literally!
10. Outlaws are committed
Every day, outlaws risk their lives and risk capture and execution because they are committed to their cause no matter what the cost. After all of the above reasons about MIL’s, my only conclusion can be that I have cause for my MIL to be committed no matter what the cost!!