A Letter to my Biological Father
My Childhood Memories
Growing up, no one ever spoke about my biological father. I was so curious. A few times I'd hear, "Your just like your daddy," from my grandmother, but that was the closest I've ever gotten to learning about him. I don't remember much about my childhood, but I do remember day dreaming about this wonderful guy that was separated from me. The reason for separation was always a pleasant one. He was either in the military on a secret government trip and couldn't have a family because it was way to dangerous or he was unaware of my birth because my mom kept it a secret. I imagined various stories and all of them ended with my biological father being the good guy somehow.
I was raised by my grandmother up until the age of 9 or 10 because my mom was to young to care for me. Although I was just a child everything around me just seemed so unreal. I'd learned to adjust to that life. I don't blame my mom for anything because she did the best she could and I still got to see her on weekends. She'd take me and my older sister to the park, museums, carnivals, etc. Weekends were always my favorite.
Although my mom had a boyfriend that helped to take care of me, I still longed for my biological father. I just wanted to know what he sound like. How he looked. His personality type. I wanted him to see my accomplishments in school and be proud of me. I just wanted to know him. I wanted him to know me. I needed him.
My Journey to You
I've been searching for you for two years of my Adult life on and off. I've always reached dead ends until yesterday. I've always wanted to meet you in person because I had a few questions for you? Why didn't you look for me? Why did you leave me and force my mom to take care of me? Why didn't you love me? Those are only a few of the questions I thought about asking. Just so you know, I always thought of you as a hero or a guy that didn't have a choice to be in my life. I guess I will never know the answer to those questions. It's not because you are dead or live in a very distant country. In fact I've discovered that you stay less than 4-minutes away from me. 4-minutes. I bet you do hundreds of meaningless things in 4-minutes everyday.
Anyway, during my long search for you I've come across a lot of people from your side of the family. No one has seen or heard from you in years. That should have been a signal for me to stop looking, but I kept searching. I truly thought you were dead. That would have felt much better than to know the reason you haven't been in my life is because you did not want anything to do with me. I didn't exists to you.
The other day I was searching for you again. I stumbled across some new names in this search and decided to use social media to locate one particular girl. I chose her name because something in me told me that this is what I've been looking for all these years. When she finally contacted me she told me that you were her dad, I almost cried. I felt like I've been searching for you for so long and I finally made a break through. I was finally going to meet you. And on top of that I discovered that I had 5 little brothers and sisters. I loved them instantly.
I asked my beautiful 19 year old little sister questions about you: facial features, personality traits, etc. What I didn't ask her is "Why hasn't he tried looking for me?"
I felt really ashamed when she told me that she didn't know anything about me, she just knew of my other little sisters, which you tried to keep her from. That just confirmed something I never wanted to believe. I didn't exist to you.
My other little sister who is 23 years old, if you did not remember, told me about her trip to see you that turned into a waste of time. You blew her off like she was a piece of trash that you wouldn't even place in your dumpster.
How can you deny your own flesh and blood? What could you possible loose by us meeting you? We are not asking you for money or a kidney. We just wanted to see what we have been missing all of our lives.
We were clearly missing nothing.
I'm not angry anymore because my search has brought me something greater than you. Love! Something you never gave me. Even though I haven't met my sisters and brothers in person yet, I still love them unconditionally. Why are you not capable of that? Aren't we from the same blood?
God knows that I've wanted to hug you and forgive you no matter what your reasons were for disowning me, but now I prefer not to see you. The way you treated my little sister when she tried to reach out to you, I will not be able to take rejection from you a second time.
This is why I've decided to write this letter. I wanted to meet you before I discovered that you were truly a deadbeat for some type of closure. I need the closure, but I won't reach out to you anymore since I've learned that you only truly have three children; the rest of us are not any of your concern. I won't mail it to you. I won't ask my sister to send you the link, but I will allow you to search. Maybe you'll hear about it somehow and you'll think to yourself, maybe that's my daughter trying to reach out to me.
In case you do get this letter, I want you to know:
Even though I can't seem to fully trust those who are close to me, I forgive you.
Even though I have failed relationships over and over, I forgive you.
Even though I have loads of friendship and intimacy issues, I forgive you.
Even though I'm terrified of being open to someone I truly love, I forgive you.
Even though I believe that most people are deceptive, when they haven't given me a reason to feel that way, I forgive you.
Just because you abandoned me doesn't mean that everyone in my life will do the same. The faster I let you go, the closer I'll be to truly believing that.
This letter is my closure. I will move on. I will be happy. I will love... and I will be loved.
Your oldest daughter,
There is so much more that I have to say, but I felt really relieved writing this article and letting go of all those negative feelings that I had bottled-up inside of me. For the record, I do not blame my biological father entirely for things that go wrong with every relationship that I have, but his absence has definitely altered my life. I ask that all absent parents step up and try to locate their child(ren). It may seem like they have forgotten about you, but really they haven't. It may feel like they are too angry to ever forgive you, but still try. We need you more than you know.