A Mother's Resume
Are you qualified?
Are you a licensed chauffeur?
Yes. I can shuttle three kids to school, soccer practice, the dentist, and swing by Wal-mart to pick up a last minute birthday present and still make it home by 6pm to have dinner prepared.
Are you a gourmet chef?
Yes. I can turn waffles into smiley faces and an ordinary hotdog into an octopus swimming in an ocean of baked beans. I can please even the most finicky of eaters with a box of Rice Krispies and a bag of marshmallows.
Are you a skilled maid?
Yes. I can do laundry, dishes, vacuum, mop, dust, make beds, feed the dog, wash the windows, and scrub a toilet with the best of them.
Are you a chemist?
Yes. I can tell if a child is sick by the color and density of his snot and tell you his entire daily diet from one poopy diaper.
Do you have an eagle eye?
Yes. I can spot a smashed oreo in the rug and gum in a ponytail from 20 yards.
Are you a proficient janitor?
Yes. I can spot vomit before it hits the floor and get it cleaned up and disposed of before my toddler tracks it through the house while simultaneously controlling my gag reflex.
Are you a nurse?
Yes. I always keep Scooby-Doo band-aids and peroxide on hand and always follow up with popsicles and hugs.
Are you a qualified technician?
Yes. I am an expert at removing peanut butter sandwiches from VCRs and crayons from noses.
Are you a peace keeper?
Yes. I can hold back the rants of a hormone ridden teenager and negotiate a truce between two toddlers who both have their eye on the same Lego.
Are you an Engineer?
Yes. I can skillfully assemble a 5 foot dollhouse at 1 am on Christmas Eve without so much as a peep.
Are you a detective?
Yes. I can find a barbie shoe amidst a room full of toys and then proceed to find a ba ba, a paci, a blankie, and a beloved stuffed bear just by following a trail of cookie crumbs.
Are you a coach?
Yes. I can cheer on my son's baseball team and my toddlers potty training session with equal enthusiasm.
Are you a teacher?
Yes. I taught my children how to share and the correct way to wipe...front to back. I help my daughter with fractions and my taught my son how to kick a goal. I can teach it all.
Are you a human pack mule?
Yes. I can carry 5 bags of groceries, 1 toddler, my purse, a blankie and sippy cup, check the mail, and open the front door with no more than my pinkie finger.
Are you a bilingual translator?
Yes. I can decipher the babblings of any 1 year old. I can also figure out who hit who and with what by listening to my daughters crying.
Can you multi-task?
Yes! I can make dinner, help my son with his homework, feed the cat, change a diaper, make a bottle, kill that spider...eww, fold a load of laundry, bake cookies, clean up spilled milk from dunking the cookies, give the kids a bath, read a bedtime story, and put them to bed with more grace than Anna Pavlova of the Russian Ballet.