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Adoption a Loving Choice
A loving gift for all involved.
Over the last few weeks there has been the mention of adoption in the media, which has me thinking of my own experience.
I am not adopted myself, but I have given a son up for adoption, some people already knew about this and some others don't. It's not something I talk about that often because it still makes me wonder "what if?" every so often. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret giving him up at all, I was 18 and didn't have a job, still living at home and the biological father, well, he was nowhere to be seen at this point.
People have asked me if I hate the biological father because he abandoned me. I can honestly say I never hated him, even though he hurt me terribly by leaving me alone to deal with the situation of being a teenage mom. I felt I couldn't blame him because if I had a choice I wouldn't have dealt with it either. He was my first love. I believe that had we been older things might have been different, but that is one of those "what ifs" I mentioned earlier. I don't wonder about that part any longer, it was so long ago now and it is just a fact of life from that time.
Once I made the decision to give my son up for adoption, I knew that for my own sanity, I would want to have contact in some form or fashion. So I chose to have an open adoption. That means, I could have pictures, letters and I could even visit every so often, if it were acceptable to the adoptive parents, and I was able to choose the parents. I was very blessed with the parents I chose for my son. I was able to visit to see where he lived, I was able to have pictures, and letter about how he was doing.
My son was born 2 months premature and had a lot of complications, he had to move hospitals to one that had a better preemie unit, at one point they weren't sure if he was going to make it. But he was and still is a survivor. At the time of this writing, in one month he will be 26 years old.
Only close friends know about him now, because I learned that there is a stigma against birthmothers that just gets tiresome to deal with. People are under the misconception that birthmothers give up their children because the women are selfish, self-centered, don't want their children, and worst one to be heard is that they don't love their children. All of that is very much contrary to any of the birthmothers I have met and to myself as well. I know that I am not selfish, self-centered and I love my son very much. Which is why I gave him up.
I knew I wasn't the best for him at that time, and it wasn't his choice to be here, so I didn't keep him which would have been selfish and self-centered. I knew even at the young age of 18 that being a parent meant you put your children before your own wants and needs, and being a parent means you sacrifice yourself for the good of your child, so I made the sacrifice of giving up my first born child for adoption. I wanted him to have all the chances and advantages that I could not have given him in my wildest dreams at the time.
He was able to grow up with two very loving parents, who because of their experience with me, adopted a little girl a few years later. So he has a little sister that adores her older brother. He is going to college now to pursue his passion for gunsmithing. Something I know he inherited from my father, who absolutely loved firearms. He grew up on 2 acres in the Santa Cruz Mountains, is highly intelligent, and from what his mom tells me, a very loving and thoughtful young man.
I love my children I have with me more than they will ever know...but there is just something special about the first born child. He is the one I had to give up so that makes him even more special and to know that he is doing well and is happy is just icing on the cake. Because for the parents that I know, all we want is for our children to grow to be happy and healthy in all their endeavors.
Even though I may have thoughts of what if I had not of given him up; I know that he is where he needs to be and I did the right thing for not only him but me as well. If he has questions or wants to know where I am, he has access to me, and one day he may come and want to talk to me face to face, maybe he won't, but that is his choice. I won't misguide anyone into thinking that I'm not sad and it doesn't hurt that he hasn't contacted me, because I am both sad and it hurts. The pain from giving him up has never gone away, and over time it hasn't gotten easier, I think the best description is that I've gotten used to the pain of it all. Again though, it's not my choice at this point, it is his. All I can do is let him know I'm available if he ever wants to, and leave it at that. The hope I have to go on, even if it is a forlorn hope is that one day he might feel the need to contact me. Until then like the other birthmothers I know is that we love from afar and pray that all is working out for the best for our children.
Just a few links for Open adoption.
- Adoption Counseling, Counselor. Birthmother, Adoptive Parent, Adoptee
Information and guidance about adoption for adoptive parents
- Open Adoption Facts | Independent Adoption Center
Independent Adoption Center, a licensed open adoption agency with 30 years of experience creating families. Free counseling and services for pregnant women.
- What Is Open Adoption? | I Heart Adoption
Browse profiles of families waiting to adopt and hear real open adoption stories from women who placed a baby with the Independent Adoption Center, a nationwide non-profit open adoption agency.