Alone and Afraid - Chapter 8
The detached observer
I am about four years old. I am in Malaysia the country of my birth. I am at school and standing in a line waiting for the teacher to call us into the building.
There is a big boy in the line. Everyone seems afraid of him because of his size. I am not intimidated by him and actually I am not interested in him at all. I notice he is picking on some of the children and making them upset. I simply watch without being affected by what I see.
Some of the other children ask me to help. They communicate with me in a way that makes me feel important. I let them lead me to the big boy and I stand facing him. I am still unaffected by what I see and am experiencing even though the boy is looking down at me and making fun of the runt before him.
I hit him and am surprised at how he falls to his feet so easily and starts to cry. Now I am being pulled into something and it is affecting me. I am disappointed at how easy it was to fell this big tree. He tells me that he will get his father after me. This scares me. The teacher calls us in completely oblivious to what has just gone on. It all happened so quickly. She sees the big boy crying and asks him what the matter is. He does not give me away but his eyes are telling me that he and his family are not finished with me.
I am terrified going to and leaving school everyday because I see the boy’s mother or grandmother dropping him off at school every morning and collecting him when school ends. He points to me as I run from the school to the bus and I feel the glare of their eyes on me.
Every morning I beg my mother for us to move house. We have moved so many times before so I don't see it as such an unreasonable request. She laughs but cannot see the terror that resides in my heart.
One day the big boy's father is there waiting for him after school. He sees me when his son points to me and he runs after me. I just manage get on the bus and sit in the seat. The father runs alongside the bus and puts his hand in through the open window and I slide down in the seat to escape. I see his large hand coming towards clutching the air above my tummy. The bus moves faster and the hand withdraws. He is shouting that he is going to get me. I am terrified. When I get home I am crying and I beg my mother again for us to move house. She just laughs and I resign myself to the impending doom.How do I get through another day like this. I feel very much alone with only fear as my companion.