An Open Letter to Thomas J. Falk, CEO of Kimberly-Clark, maker of Huggies Diapers
Behold, The Leakmaster
Dear Mr. Falk,
In 1939, the United States embarked on the Manhattan Project, which ended up producing the world's first atomic bomb in 1945. It was an amazing, if somewhat daunting, feat of technical and scientific prowess. Today, we have satellites that sit in space and can look down on us, take pictures of our license plates, then direct missles right into those cars and blow them up with a precision that is absolutely breathtaking. I also have a phone that I can not only talk on, but can email, text, watch movies, and play video games. I fully expect that one day I will be able to attach that phone directly to my brain and have it operate my body when I am asleep.
So, Mr. Falk, can you please explain to me why your company can't make an overnight diaper that will contain my son's pee? You'd think this would be a slam-dunk. I mean, think about it: construct a piece of fabric that will hold a certain amount of urine for a period of no more than, let's say, twelve hours. How hard is that? Apparently, pretty hard because your company can't do it. Every morning my son wakes up and he is soaking wet. And I'm not talking like a drop of pee. I'm talking about pee everywhere. If I didn't know better, I would have guessed it actually rained in his room overnight. Either that or the frackin' hose fairy came in the middle of the night and stuck a hose under his sheets and left it running.
You mean to tell me that you have all those chemists and engineers and design people at Kimberly-Clark and you can't figure this thing out? I noticed on your web page that you guys make a "microcuff" endotracheal tube and a microbial sealant that helps prevent surgical infections. I don't know what that does, but it sounds pretty complicated and pretty cool, like somebody smart probably worked on it for a long, long time. Can you put some of these people on the overnight diaper problem? Just tell them that there's a diaper and there's a wang and the stuff coming out of the wang is going everywhere. All over. I cannot imagine that won't peak their interest.
Look, I'm no genius and my degree is in history and writing, so I could probably put together a pretty cool paper on the history of diapers for you, but what about sealed pants? Like, make a diaper that's like a pair of pants with footies on the end. And if that's too expensive, what about something that resembles a garbage bag or the Orgasmatron from "Sleeper" or something else for the love of God? This kid has a pair of shorts on and urine is leaking out of it. WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
And Tom (can I call you Tom?), I know at least one thing you're going to say: "Hey, what about Pampers?" So I'm going to admit that I've tried Pampers and they don't work any better than your stupid diaper, but the fact is, I found your picture on the Internet first and I'm going to pick on you. You're probably making a few million dollars a year at least, so you can take it, right? If you feel you need to, go ahead and send a copy of this letter to whoever heads up the company that makes Pampers and white-out your name and put his name in there. Just send it anonymously. Or you know what? If you want, you can write my name on it. I know you CEO's don't want to take responsibility for jack these days, so go ahead and do that.
The good news for you, Tom, is that I'm going to continue to buy your crappy product because I don't seem to have any other choice. Well, I guess I can just let the kid lie there naked all night, but that seems highly impractical and might result in a visit from social services or something. And look, I'll admit, sometimes your product actually works. Sometimes my wife and I wake up in the morning and go into my son's room and put our hands on the sheets and, holy Jesus I don't believe it, they're dry. And you know what else, there's hope. There's hope that each day will bring dry sheets. So you have given me hope.
Other than that, I think you and your product are unbelievably lame.
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