ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Family and Parenting»
  • Babies & Baby Care

An Open Letter to Thomas J. Falk, CEO of Kimberly-Clark, maker of Huggies Diapers

Updated on May 28, 2011

Behold, The Leakmaster

This is Thomas J. Falk, CEO of Kimberly-Clark. They make Huggies Overnite Diapers. They don't work.
This is Thomas J. Falk, CEO of Kimberly-Clark. They make Huggies Overnite Diapers. They don't work.

Dear Mr. Falk,

In 1939, the United States embarked on the Manhattan Project, which ended up producing the world's first atomic bomb in 1945. It was an amazing, if somewhat daunting, feat of technical and scientific prowess. Today, we have satellites that sit in space and can look down on us, take pictures of our license plates, then direct missles right into those cars and blow them up with a precision that is absolutely breathtaking. I also have a phone that I can not only talk on, but can email, text, watch movies, and play video games. I fully expect that one day I will be able to attach that phone directly to my brain and have it operate my body when I am asleep.

So, Mr. Falk, can you please explain to me why your company can't make an overnight diaper that will contain my son's pee? You'd think this would be a slam-dunk. I mean, think about it: construct a piece of fabric that will hold a certain amount of urine for a period of no more than, let's say, twelve hours. How hard is that? Apparently, pretty hard because your company can't do it. Every morning my son wakes up and he is soaking wet. And I'm not talking like a drop of pee. I'm talking about pee everywhere. If I didn't know better, I would have guessed it actually rained in his room overnight. Either that or the frackin' hose fairy came in the middle of the night and stuck a hose under his sheets and left it running.

You mean to tell me that you have all those chemists and engineers and design people at Kimberly-Clark and you can't figure this thing out? I noticed on your web page that you guys make a "microcuff" endotracheal tube and a microbial sealant that helps prevent surgical infections. I don't know what that does, but it sounds pretty complicated and pretty cool, like somebody smart probably worked on it for a long, long time. Can you put some of these people on the overnight diaper problem? Just tell them that there's a diaper and there's a wang and the stuff coming out of the wang is going everywhere. All over. I cannot imagine that won't peak their interest.

Look, I'm no genius and my degree is in history and writing, so I could probably put together a pretty cool paper on the history of diapers for you, but what about sealed pants? Like, make a diaper that's like a pair of pants with footies on the end. And if that's too expensive, what about something that resembles a garbage bag or the Orgasmatron from "Sleeper" or something else for the love of God? This kid has a pair of shorts on and urine is leaking out of it. WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

And Tom (can I call you Tom?), I know at least one thing you're going to say: "Hey, what about Pampers?" So I'm going to admit that I've tried Pampers and they don't work any better than your stupid diaper, but the fact is, I found your picture on the Internet first and I'm going to pick on you. You're probably making a few million dollars a year at least, so you can take it, right? If you feel you need to, go ahead and send a copy of this letter to whoever heads up the company that makes Pampers and white-out your name and put his name in there. Just send it anonymously. Or you know what? If you want, you can write my name on it. I know you CEO's don't want to take responsibility for jack these days, so go ahead and do that.

The good news for you, Tom, is that I'm going to continue to buy your crappy product because I don't seem to have any other choice. Well, I guess I can just let the kid lie there naked all night, but that seems highly impractical and might result in a visit from social services or something. And look, I'll admit, sometimes your product actually works. Sometimes my wife and I wake up in the morning and go into my son's room and put our hands on the sheets and, holy Jesus I don't believe it, they're dry. And you know what else, there's hope. There's hope that each day will bring dry sheets. So you have given me hope.

Other than that, I think you and your product are unbelievably lame.


Submit a Comment

  • Jrandol62 profile image

    Jeff 7 years ago from Where ever the road takes me....

    Good stuff man! Yea, he makes millions and probably never steps out of hid office to see his people at work. He just tells someone to check on the diaper problems and report back to him with an answer....Well, hope you find a better diaper friend. We've all been there. Voted "up and funny".

  • Auntie D profile image

    Auntie D 7 years ago from California

    Hilarious! Great and I totally understand your problem, check on my diapers, outdoors and a wheelchair hub.


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: ""

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)