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That Was What Hurt Me the Most Page 1

Updated on January 10, 2019

Page One

My mother never wanted children, but she fell in love with my father and ended up with three little girls.
I was born, the middle child. My father owned his own business, my mother took care of the house and kids. I do not recall her showing any emotion other than that of anger. I can not remember her ever smiling or hugging me. The most I got from her was a quick peck on the lips at bedtime followed by a very impassive ’love you’. Every time I picture her face from my past, it is so angry looking. The only feeling I can honestly remember is the sting of her rubber-soled slipper slapping my bottom, sometimes she would use a wooden spoon which was equally as painful.
My father was a monster. He was physically and verbally abusive to my mother and his two oldest girls. I never actually saw him hit my mother, but I do remember him yelling at her and calling her names sometimes, late at night. That usually only happened after a night of drinking with whatever friends they had at the time. My parents had many friends come and go because my father was cruel to everyone. They also ended up leaving most social gatherings after having an argument in front of everyone and making them all feel very uncomfortable. I know this because a lot of the time they would bring us with them and warn us to stay in the TV room with the other kids. The ride home was always the same. The smell of alcohol, my father yelling at my mother, my mother slurring her words with her eyes half open while they both smoked cigarettes with the car windows rolled up. The three of us would pretend to be asleep in the back seat.
Every memory I have of my father is a bad one. One time that sticks out was when I was approximately eight or nine years old. My older sister and I were in the backyard throwing a baseball back and forth. To help you form a mental picture I will tell you that my sister was very tom-boyish, athletic and physically strong while I was the complete opposite, girly-girl who wanted to take dance lessons -but my parents made me play baseball instead. So, my sister and I were playing catch and she was getting angry with me because I could not throw the ball directly to her. She would always catch it with some running but immediately yell at me to throw it properly, then proceed to whip the ball in my direction, -which I rarely caught. Each time this happened she would get angrier and throw the ball even harder.
I saw it coming at me in slow motion. I couldn’t make my legs move so I just turned my head. The baseball hit the side of my head so hard I thought it cracked my head open. The sound of it hitting me was horrifying. I touched the spot with my hand then looked at it. My vision was blurred from the fountain of tears falling from my eyes and as I looked at my hand I thought it was covered with blood. It turns out it was just dirt but at the time it scared me and I screamed. That scared my baby cousin who had been crawling around the backyard and she began crying. My mother and aunt ran outside. My aunt scooped up my cousin and my mother grabbed me. They brought us into the house where my father came running to see what had happened. As my father held my arm so tight it felt like he was twisting it, he demanded an answer to what had taken place. I could barely breathe but in between sobs I told them what had happened. My sister had come running into the house at that time and my father looked at her. The anger in his face scared her to the point that she could not stand still. Without hesitation she came up with a story that had me throwing the ball at my baby cousin as hard as I could, but luckily my sister stopped it from hitting her, then threw it back at me. My father slowly turned his furious eyes back to me. I knew what was coming so I braced myself. He hit me several times and even threw me against the wall. The whole time I was thinking about the fact that my mother and aunt were both standing there watching this happen. My older sister who was suppose to protect me watched as I received the beating she would have been getting if not for her lies. No one said a word. That was what hurt me the most.

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    • thisiknow profile imageAUTHOR

      thisiknow 

      7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Hi there tirelesstraveler. You are one hundred percent right. I spent a large portion of my life being angry, even though I was trying very hard not to be. I finally realized that the anger was the result of me suppressing my emotions. I too had to then learn how to properly show the emotion I was actually feeling. It’s not an easy thing to do! I am glad that you were able to see what you needed to see and learn what you needed to learn. Thank you for reading and commenting on my hub!

    • tirelesstraveler profile image

      Judy Specht 

      7 years ago from California

      My heart goes out to you. People who don't know how to show emotion usually use anger. When my dad was really sad worried, or stressed he got angry. When I realized that, it helped me see how urgently I needed to learn appropriate exhibition of emotion.

    • thisiknow profile imageAUTHOR

      thisiknow 

      7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Thank you ytsenoh. I haven't spoken to my father in many years -(since the phone conversation on Page 5). I have been close with both of my sisters, at different times, on and off throughout the years.. not recently though. I saw and/or spoke to my mother several times a week up until about 3 months ago when she did something I thought even she wouldn't do... (that will be written about in one of my future hubs). I think that not communicating with them is one of the reasons why I can write about it all now.

    • ytsenoh profile image

      Cathy 

      7 years ago from Louisiana, Idaho, Kauai, Nebraska, South Dakota, Missouri

      I know abuse, from a marriage and from a babysitter's husband at the age of four. I feel your pain and angst and sadness, all those emotions and conflict all rolled up into a ball you have to slowly unravel so you can heal. Such a horrific experience you describe. Do you see your parents now? Are you close to your sisters? Definitely tell your story. It helps you and others.

    • thisiknow profile imageAUTHOR

      thisiknow 

      7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Thank you IN2Deep. :)

    • IN2Deep profile image

      IN2Deep 

      7 years ago from USA

      I can relate. I have 5 sisters,4 older and one younger. My mom and dad seperated and 5 of us went with my dad. My oldest sister stayed with my mother. But if anyone of us did something wrong everyone of us were beaten or slammed. My dad said "He was teaching us not to do whatever the other did"

      I ran away from home at 14 and never looked back for 21 years. Abuse is not necessary. And All Children Deserve better. It really eats away at your insides and causes alot of self doubt,anxiety depression and low self esteem and that is really sad. I hope things are getting better. In the end it helps you as a parent know how you hope your own child will never expierence any of what we did as children but it also made me very over protective of my children,made it much harder to let them go--because I never want to see my children go through the pain and hurt I grew up with. I wish you and your family well. Keep your chin up and let it make you stronger

    • thisiknow profile imageAUTHOR

      thisiknow 

      7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Thank you for concern, but not to worry.. all is well. I have received some great help. Writing about it is just 'extra' therapy and if it helps someone else in the process, then sharing my experiences will be worth it. There is a lot more to write and if you continue to read my pages then keep in mind that today I am happy and loved. My husband is the most amazing person and my children are my life.

      I will definitely check out your video spirit whisper!

    • Spirit Whisperer profile image

      Xavier Nathan 

      7 years ago from Isle of Man

      The childhood experiences you describe are traumatic incidents and my wife and I specialize in treating people who have been traumatized. In our private practice here in the Isle of Man we have helped people who have suffered physical and mental abuse as children, rape victims, people who have experienced car crashes, near drowning and fire.

      Talking or writing about the experience is not enough to release the victim if that were the case nobody in the world would be suffering as they do from experiences they had a long time ago. The reason is that the negative emotion associated with the trauma is buried in the subconscious and no amount of conscious reasoning can touch that. It is like looking for your keys in the kitchen when you lost them in your bedroom. I would highly recommend that you seek the help I suggest because you do not need to spend another day a slave to your past experiences which unconsciously control your life. Here is a link to a video we made to explain what we do here in our own clinic and let this serve as a guide for you to find a therapist near you who can help you.

      http://youtu.be/H3zteeXepbk

    • jirel profile image

      jirel 

      7 years ago from Philippines

      It's a sad story.I pray to God that you will find lots of happiness because you deserve it.God bless!

    • thisiknow profile imageAUTHOR

      thisiknow 

      7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Thank you unknown spy. :)

    • unknown spy profile image

      Life Under Construction 

      7 years ago from Neverland

      The last sentences keep me speechless. All i could say was "Oh my God." I wish that more people will keep in mind that children needs to be understood and loved. My heart goes out to you. God bless.

    • thisiknow profile imageAUTHOR

      thisiknow 

      7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      I will continue to write about it. There will be many pages, and it will be hard, but it does help to finally 'say it out loud'. I hope it does help others as well. Thank you.

    • thisiknow profile imageAUTHOR

      thisiknow 

      7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      I ended up in an abusive marriage but got out of that (after ten years) and decided that was enough of that! I wasn't going to allow my children live the same life I lived, so I changed it. My life now is good. I worked hard to not become my parents and continue the cycle. I am now very protective of my children and tell them everyday that I love them.

    • thisiknow profile imageAUTHOR

      thisiknow 

      7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Thank you. I am glad you got the point of my hub, that was the most important part!

    • Dog Advisor profile image

      Sarah Falkner 

      7 years ago from www.facebook.com/Family Dog Advice

      No one should have to live like that. Unfortunately so many do. I am glad that you have found an outlet for your feelings. I encourage you to continue with page 2 through as many as it takes. While it may be hard for me to read at times, I will. Recounting these childhood memories may also allow others, myself included, to recognize the signs of abuse around us and help another child. God Bless You.

    • American Romance profile image

      American Romance 

      7 years ago from America

      So how does that affect your life now? I too grew up in a home almost exactly like that! Except my mother was big tough woman and my Dad never protected us! Once my mother started beating she never stopped! My parents didn't drink and they took us to church, but outside of church she was an abusive monster. I moved out the day I graduated high school and never went back. Years later I confronted her and we had it out, (this time on my terms) she has been a different person ever since. My daughter loves her dearly........go figure

    • Seeker7 profile image

      Helen Murphy Howell 

      7 years ago from Fife, Scotland

      What a horrible situation to be in as a child! I really hope that by sharing these bad memories it will help you to heal and fully realise that you were and are an innocent caught up in other people's addictions and emotional turmoil! Too often children - and later as adults - feel that they maybe were in some way to blame. Children are never to blame! Even your sister, as horrible as it was for you to take the beating instead of her, was probably angry because she saw her parents being angry and grew up thinking this was the way to behave. She was also probably terrified of you father as well. But the point being is that you were let down badly by those whose role should have been to love, cherish and protect you. I hope today that you are building your life and can have some of the peace and joy you so deserve. Best wishes and take care!

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