Table Manners: Mealtime Conversation
How to Behave at Table
It seems to me that the majority of people in civilized countries grew up being taught how to behave at the table.
- Say, "please," and "thank you," when requesting something be passed your way
- Try to avoid passing gas loudly, and say "excuse me," if you do
- Cover your mouth and say "excuse me," if you belch
- Don't blow your nose at the table
- Don't talk about disgusting things, such as the other end of the digestive process or Uncle Sal's hernia surgery
- Apologize if you spill something
- Don't argue (and this means avoid controversial topics, especially the two big 'hot-button' issues of politics and religion)
What to Discuss While Eating
There have pretty much always been protocols in place for appropriate mealtime conversation in polite society.
There are any number of topics that can be brought up in a genteel and pleasant fashion, enhancing the meal for all. A sample list of accepted conversational topics:
- Junior's honor roll award
- Janie's progress in gymnastics
- Uncle Bert's welcome home from military service (but not his war wounds)
- The weather is usually a safe bet
- Plans for the summer
- Last summer's vacation memories
- Cousin Sue's new interest in photography
- Aunt Miranda's later-in-life decision to attend nursing school
- Cute things the new puppy did (but not his 'messes')
You get the idea. Things of interest to all present, because all present know about, or would be interested to hear about the doings of other family members. No one will be offended or disgusted by any of these sorts of topics.
What Not to Discuss While Eating
Really, this should not have to be spelled out, but here goes. While I'm eating a meal, I do not care to hear about any of the following topics:
- Dad's problems with his hemorrhoids
- Aunt Susie's recent bout with constipation
- Cousin Dorothy's C-section (in graphic detail)
- Tittering whispers about Aunt Edna's frustrations because her husband's "stuff" no longer works
- Anyone's stories of their surgeries (in graphic detail)
- Descriptions of animals seen killed on the road
- Discussion of how Cousin Lydia nearly bled to death at her last 'monthly'
- Graphic descriptions of science class dissection exercises
You get the idea--anything that is liable to make someone feel disgusted, is not proper fodder (pardon the pun) for mealtime conversation. Remember: some folks have very weak stomachs, and can easily feel nauseated by the mere mention of disgusting things. It is not very polite to make someone lose their appetite in the middle of a meal. Meals are to be enjoyed; not interrupted by a mad dash for the facilities to avoid "losing one's lunch" in the middle of the plate.
Sometimes, where small children are involved, there is some amount of "playful" gross-out conversation. It happened when my kids were young. It is not the sort of thing to be tolerated when out in company, but follows "at-home-only" rules.
I am speaking of the delight kids seem to take in dreaming up terrible food combinations that no one would possibly like. The general rules to this "game" are that anything included must be an actual edible item of food.
During family-only dinner hour, there might be some amusement forthcoming, and a way for the kids to feel included in otherwise adult-only conversation if this game is allowed. Here are some of the things that have come up in my family:
- spaghetti a la mode
- pickles with peanut butter
- ginger ale with chocolate syrup
- banana and pickle sandwich
- pancakes with mustard
Those kinds of "conversational topics" may generate an "ewww" reaction from everyone, but there is probably little risk of anyone actually being made to feel ill as a result. Again, this is to encourage kids to participate in the dinner conversation, and it can serve as a distraction, as they eagerly chow down on their food, perhaps not noticing that they have actually eaten their broccoli.
Also, it is best saved for "once in a while," and not a daily event.
Why Has the World Gone Crazy?
What, then, is the matter with the world, with TV and radio traffic controllers**? What is the matter with Madison Avenue advertising executives, that none of them seem to have learned any of these rules? With the rules of the section on "What Not to Discuss..." in mind, then, I would like to scold the network advertisers and executives for their exceedingly poor choice of timing.
You know what I mean. Many, many families or individuals these days watch TV while they eat dinner. Sometimes other meals too, but the dinner hour seems to be the prime target of offensive behavior in this area. (Whether or not watching TV while eating is a bad habit is not the point of this article.) Suffice it to say, it is commonly done.
So, why, I must know, do these morons behind the scenes think that as we eat our meals, during the hours between 5:p.m. and 7:30 p.m. is a great time to showcase multiple ads for:
- Medicines to relieve constipation
- Feminine hygiene products
- Sexual dysfunction medications
- Bladder control products and medications
- Hemorrhoid remedies
- Medicine to relieve gas and bloating
Seriously? I don't want to hear about any of that while I'm trying to eat! Yet, they do it every night. It is a virtual barrage of advertising running the gamut of all these items! It is not particularly appetizing.
It is very bad manners, and in poor taste. I guess their mommies did not train them well, or, more likely, that training was ignored in the name of the almighty dollar.
**traffic, in this usage, does not mean the reporting on road conditions--it refers to what in the industry is called "internal traffic" and has to do with the scheduling of what is shown at what time, and yes, it is programmed down to the minute and second, including what ads will be shown at what very specific times.
Now, who is willing to join me in a campaign to halt this offensive behavior? It will take a lot of people, placing their local station's number in speed dial, and calling to complain every time such an ad is aired in that time slot.
They may try to say that the agencies buying the ads will pull the ads if they can't have them run at the times they dictate. However, "The Big 3" networks are plenty big enough to counter this, and counter it they can, in the face of massive public opposition.
If enough people make this an issue, and all 3 networks then pull together, they can deny the advertisers their offensive time slots for those ads.
But it will never happen if everyone just shrugs and says, "Oh, well." Yes, perhaps it is a petty annoyance in the grand scheme of things. Yes, there are probably more important issues about which to protest.
But look at it this way: consider it a practice run for the bigger protests. Learning to pull together and gain a victory on this level will prepare us for the larger projects we may wish to work on.