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Stop Being a Codependent Parent and Let your Kids Grow Up
Why Some Kids Won't Grow Up
An adult child staying home or moving back with his or her parents is detrimental. The focus of this article is to highlight the growing trend of adult offspring staying home with their parents or moving back such as boomerang kids.and the reasons.
The schools, colleges and parents prepare young adults to be successful and productive citizens. Teenagers grow up wishing they were adults and in charge of themselves. Parents strive to raise their children the best way they know how. The ideal is that kids are supposed to achieve good grades, apply to a good college and try to earn a scholarship to pay for most of it. No one expects them to fail or have such a hardship that they end up back home.
Anyway, when adult children graduate college owing a tremendously large loan and can't find any work in their field or any work, they usually wind up back home.
Some never attend college, work a few minimum wage jobs,or stay up playing video games or going out with friends. They are not pushed to leave.
Are You Co-dependent with your Grown Children
Adult kids moving back or staying home to mooch off their parents is becoming a growing trend in recent years. Are these kids just selfish or are the parents too lenient and afraid to make them grow up?
Many parents have feelings of guilt when they think their adult offspring should move out on their own. Why do parents allow this? Being a co-dependent in this scenario is detrimental to all involved. Many moochers will sponge off their mom and dad as long as they are not forced to move. Those that move back because of financial reasons may or may not help out and use their money problems as an excuse. Why do parents allow this? Why are parents afraid to lay down the law?
Why does mom and dad have feelings of guilt and need to have their kids stay dependent on them. Is it a failing in the parents? Did their parents do the same with them or did they feel deprived and want to help their kids more? These are questions to ponder.
Why Adult Kids Don't Move Out
Reasons for adults to stay home
There are all sorts of reasons for adult children to stay home with their parents. Almost all of the time the reasons are due to money issues or lack of. The recent economic crisis is draining savings accounts and bankrupting families.
Some adults move back after a divorce and were wiped out financially. Divorce is very expensive and will drain savings and force the sale of a home.
Still others just can't seem to cope with the demands of the outside world and return to the safe haven of home. There are those parents who unwittingly make their kids dependent upon them under the guise of love. other reasons for parents allowing their adult offspring to come back are purely selfish. Parents such as a widowed mother or those who are not emotionally ready to let go, are typical.
Not letting kids grow up and learn to become adults is allowing the parent to still feel young and needed, which feeds their ego and feelings of self worth. It does nothing for their son's and daughter's egos. In fact, it may create hidden feelings of resentment and anxiety. Not allowing your children to experience the possible failings or successes of adulthood is almost abusive.
The only exceptions should be a mentally handicapped or physically handicapped adult child. If there is a group home, or agency in their area that can place them in one, then it's essential to do so. I have known parents to keep their handicapped children at home for fear that they will not be taken care of in a group home. This delay creates great stress on the parent and only puts off the inevitable when the parent dies.
Different Mindset years ago
The adult offspring of today's world seem to be a far cry from those of the 1960's who ventured out into the new world with such anticipation of changing the world.
Living on the land, without the modern conveniences in communes or on the streets such as those in San Fransisco is a distant memory. Perhaps those kids grew up and regretted that lifestyle. They wanted their kids to have everything.
No matter the reason, adult offspring are moving back with their parents in record numbers.
The economy is the number one reason for the trend today. Record jobs lost in this recession, is the number one problem, followed by college loans, foreclosures, astronomical health care bills, taxes and so on.
New Rules for today's generation
I remember the early 70's recession and how hard it was to find work. My brothers and I all worked any odd jobs and together we helped out with food and bills. When I graduated years ago I wasn't able to find a job in my field. I applied for months after graduation and started applying out of state, where eventually I landed a job in a rural, impoverished area. Some people are working in states many miles away while leaving the rest of the family behind. Whatever needs to be done is being done.
A new trend is happening in the last 3-4 years that's affecting recent graduates. The grads fresh from the university are facing the daunting task of landing their first meaningful position in their field of study. They are not finding any work or don't want to and use this as an excuse.
Adult Kids Moving Back Home with Family
It isn't easy to live under someone else's roof and live by their rules; it's even harder when you have been on your own for years and the family needs to move back to one spouses parent's home. Moving into someone else's home is difficult by yourself, but add a few kids, a spouse, a few dogs and your stuff, creates a recipe for disaster. The kids are uprooted and must assimilate into a new community, new school, with less amenities and increased tension in the house.
The old issues come back with arguments, memories of conflicts while growing up and dominance issues. Parents want to have a say-so about how their grown kids live and discipline their own kids. There may be minor clashes but stress can strain a relationship. Oftentimes the clashes are serious enough to damage relationships for good.
Discussing the arrangements ahead of time and making a contract that everyone can live with is a good idea. Deciding who will do the added chores, times to be quiet, times to have company should be discussed beforehand and storage space needs to be addressed.
If you had a good relationship in the first place, it may work. No one wants more mouths to feed, or others sharing your space, disrupting your schedule and routine, but these are the most difficult times we have seen in many decades.
Downsizing is a practical and economic solution that will solve a problem temporarily. Everyone hopes it is temporary. Adult offspring should be on their own. It's healthier for all concerned but when it is necessary to share, then everyone needs to work together. Having the support of parents is important but getting out as soon as possible is best. I know people that moved into basement of parents and it wasn't easy, but they made it work.
Tips for Helping Adult Children grow up
Adult moochers are a pain in the butt but your own adult kids are even worse. If your son or daughter has stayed beyond 21 with no future plans in sight or marketable skills for work, then it's time to get serious.
Dr. Phil has some suggestions in his video. Your moochers didn't become free-loaders overnight. You as a parent have enabled them to do so. You need to work on yourself first if you don't have the knowledge or will power to get them out.
Taking food, money,and free housing from a parent without giving is disrespectful, so you must try to gain some self respect and risk losing them. Give them an ultimatum and a date to go. help them find a job and a place to live. Help them to grow up.
Another idea is to draw up a legal contract if necessary but do it. consult an attorney for suggestions.
Go to a counselor for yourself and maybe with your adult child. Find out what's holding you back.
The longer you wait the worse it will become.
Boomerang Generation Poll
Did you or your adult children move back home?
© 2010 Stacie L