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Caring for Our Children: Importance of Discipline

Updated on July 21, 2016

We live in a constantly changing society. Over decades, I have seen so many changes in the family as a unit, but the biggest changes I have observed are those relating to the role of parenting and the general behaviour of our children. I am old school and was brought up by fairly strict parents in an era when smacking was not frowned upon but seen as the principal form of punishment. Punishment however, plays only a small part when considering how we discipline our children.

As children, we rely on our parents and education system to teach us how to be good and acceptable members of society. Actively religious families may be further supported by their church, to convey the right messages to children as they grow up in society. From toddlerhood to adulthood, the best way our children can learn an acceptable way to behave, is to be taught consistently.

Childhood aggression can mimic parental behavior
Childhood aggression can mimic parental behavior | Source

Children observe and mimic those around them, so it is vitally important that parental behaviour reflects the ground rules of discipline that they lay down for their offspring. We want our children to be respectful, polite, lawful, honest, kind, patient and undersanding. Do you show your children these positive attributes?

What is Discipline?

Sadly, so many people interpret the word discipline as punishment. Discipline should only ever include a form of punishment when all other measures to address the adverse behaviour have been exhausted. There is no point in punishing a child unless that child understands:

  • Why the punishment was necessary
  • An explanation about how to change the behaviour that preceded the punishment

This is why smacking is a bad form of discipline. Yes, a slap will tell a child they are behaving unacceptably but it does not explain to that child how to change that behaviour. Smacking encourages fear in a child and that appears to be the aim of most ‘smacking parents’. Their idea is that if a child fears a smack, the unacceptable behaviour will cease. This may actually appear to work in the short term but in the long term it can be produce other child behavioural problems. Violence breeds violence. A smack sends a message to the child that if someone isn’t behaving as they would like them to then it is ok to hit out. They begin to think that differences are resolved through aggression.

Parenting Without Anger Yelling and Spanking

Discipline is about correcting misbehaviour without there being a power struggle, aggression or over reaction. Methods of discipline are adapted as a child grows. The naughty step or naughty chair may work well for time out in formative years but it wouldn’t cut any ice with a teenager! The earlier a parent implements good discipline, the better. From toddlerhood, most children will have outbursts of anger and frustration as they have yet to learn skills to control such emotions. A cool, calm response from a parent is the best way to diffuse the situation. A child will eventually learn the art of self-control if he sees a parent staying in control. This also feels safe.

Good communication is vital and a child responds much better to a calm parent. That is not to say that there will not be times when raising the voice becomes totally necessary. Note, I said raising the voice but I did not say shouting. Shouting exacerbates misbehaviour, as again, a child will mimic and a verbal war ensues. This is negative communication and leads to a breakdown in discipline.

A trip to the beach is a great reward for good behaviour
A trip to the beach is a great reward for good behaviour | Source

Discipline is also about rewarding good behaviour. If all discipline is of the negative variety, hostility will result. If a child feels they can do nothing right, they may well stop trying to do anything right! They may actually grow up to feel they are guilty and are bad people. This can lead to anti-social behaviour in later life. If they are not shown respect they will not respect others.

There needs to be a good balance of recognition and rewarding of good behaviour with boundaries and limits set for bad behaviour. Reward charts are a great way to encourage goof behaviour from a child especially with a treat as a prize! A day out at the seaside or to a theme park is a great incentive! As your child grows, the limits and boundaries you set from an early age will have a great bearing on the adolescent behaviour.

Good and Bad Discipline

Most parents believe that their approach to discipline is the right one. There are no rigid rules when disciplining children and many parents will tend to discipline in much the same way as their parents did. If it was good for them then it is good for their children too! There is nothing wrong with this if it is good healthy discipline but sadly many parents may have learned bad habits that can have a detrimental effect on their children. This can be carried on through the generations because many will assume ‘mum knew best’ or just simply don’t know any other way to discipline.

Good discipline teaches children to be capable, patient and confident
Good discipline teaches children to be capable, patient and confident | Source

Good discipline teaches children such attributes as:

  • Respect for others
  • Responsibility
  • Good communication skills
  • Capability
  • Honesty
  • Better self esteem
  • Confidence
  • Patience
  • Empathy

Do you see spanking as a good form of discipline?

See results

Bad discipline can eventually cause behavioural problems in children. Assuming a spanking alone is discipline will not teach children vital self control and social skills.This is not always a parents fault and can often result because of a lack of education or understanding on the parental part. No one hands you a book when your baby is born and tells you how to do everything! Often it is not until a child shows bad or worrying behaviour that a parent even notices their mode of discipline is simply not working. If the parent doesn’t notice then it is likely it will be picked up at school. Feelings of failure can follow and with this despondency, a never-ending cycle of frustration and impatience is created.

Although our children are a reflection of ourselves in many ways, we also have to account for the interference of copied peer behaviour, bad habits that form away from the home and certain personality traits. Bad discipline in the home can however, result in children feeling:

  • Unloved
  • Insecure
  • Resented
  • Guilty
  • Frustrated
  • Impatient or irritable
  • Emotionally volatile
  • Physically aggressive

Video Discussing How to Praise Children

Our children need to feel loved first and foremost. If they feel loved, they will then feel they are worthy and have a sense of belonging. They need to feel good about themselves and this is encouraged by way of cuddles and praise. A child who is praised is encouraged to accomplish further. Praise will instil confidence in your child and confident children will enter adulthood with a more positive outlook. A parent who never shows praise can make a child feel they are not good enough, useless or even a failure. Likewise, a parent who shows no warmth by way of hugs and kisses makes it difficult for a child to love and show warmth in return but this can stretch far into adulthood. Distant, cold people are generally speaking unhappy people.

Boundaries and Limits

A good parental discipline has the positive warm, praising, loving elements alongside a firm and consistent set of rules, boundaries and limits. There should be room for compromise but there may also be times when being cruel to be kind is necessary to bring home the message loud and clear. Your child may temporarily claim to hate you and act defiantly but a calm consistency is key. Children are cunning and will test you and your rules but the consistency of good discipline will actually make your children feel more secure. I can give you a good personal example of this:

One of my daughters was definitely not a leader and tended to be led astray easily by others. She wanted to attend a local youth club at the age of 14 years but I had heard many reports that illicit drugs and alcohol were being used outside of the youth club. I told her she could not go and why I didn’t think it was a good idea. Of course she argued her case but I knew my decision was in her best interests and stood my ground. She didn’t like me for it but years later we had a conversation about this. She actually thanked me for protecting her and said she felt safe growing up with a parent who consistently exercised discipline such as this.

Routine plays an important part of discipline
Routine plays an important part of discipline | Source

Children will benefit from rules and schedules. Set bed times, set times to come in from play and even eating at the same time each day will enforce a feeling of reliability to a child. Knowing what to expect dispels a feeling of insecurity. A child will take this sense of order into adulthood.

A child who has no boundaries, rules or discipline and has a free reign, may be the envy of his friends but will grow up to think his behaviour or actions are of little consequence to himself or others. This child knows no limits and his self-control will be questionable.

Changes in Family Life

There will always be good and bad parents who exercise good and bad discipline, and of course there needs to be good discipline in schools to compliment good parental behavior. There will always be naughty kids but much of or anti-social behavior, criminal activity and disrespect for society are often rooted in a lack of consistent discipline during childhood. More mothers work than ever before and are simply not always around or are too tired on coming home from work to parent efficiently.

The computer has much to answer for as more and more parents chill out browsing the internet. Gaming isn’t just a child activity and many parents spend hours playing video games or online games, perhaps not even realizing how much quality time with their children is being lost. There is little point putting a limit on internet use for your child if you are not prepared to do this yourself. Ignoring a child is so detrimental to a healthy parental relationship and is a bad form of discipline. A good parent will exercise -

Hugs and kisses are important to children
Hugs and kisses are important to children | Source
  • Rules
  • Boundaries
  • Hugs and kisses
  • Effective non-violent punishment for consequences of bad behaviour
  • Praise
  • Encouragement
  • Good communication and being attentive to a child
  • Routine
  • Consistency

Comments

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    • sassydee profile image

      Delilah 4 years ago from los angeles, ca

      this was pretty lengthy but overall great. voted up and useful perfectly written thanks

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Right on with all of your points. Well done!

    • ThussaysNanaMarie profile image

      ThussaysNanaMarie 4 years ago from In my oyster

      I thoroughly enjoyed that. Thanks for taking the time.I've voted it up and interseting

    • meloncauli profile image
      Author

      meloncauli 4 years ago from UK

      Many thanks for your comment, hope you found it interesting.

    • meloncauli profile image
      Author

      meloncauli 4 years ago from UK

      Thanks billybuc!

    • meloncauli profile image
      Author

      meloncauli 4 years ago from UK

      Hi ThussaysNanaMarie and thanks for your comment and vote.

    • JillKostow profile image

      Jill Kostowskie 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

      I also was spanked as a child and my children occasionally do get a spank on the rear from time to time, but I do agree that it does not stop the unacceptable behavior. Setting up clear rules and boundaries along with consequences does work much better! This is a very well written hub! Voted up and interesting!

    • meloncauli profile image
      Author

      meloncauli 4 years ago from UK

      Thanks JillKostow. In the UK a child has every right to phone the social services department and claim abuse if they are spanked now! It is deemed pretty much as abuse in the UK, even a slap across the back of the leg would now be seen as physical assault. My parents got it about right back in the old days in my opinion. We were spanked on the bottom or leg but only when warnings had not worked. We were disciplined in other ways too and all three of us ( my sisters and I), have grown up to be honest, respectable upright citizens I think.

      There's a spank on the bottom and there's knocking a child's head incessantly or violently beating a child. It's a huge area for debate and I am sure somewhere there is room for compromise. We got the ruler across our hands at school or a smack on the back of the legs. None of this in my opinion caused us deep trauma but whether fear is a good thing or not, we did learn quickly the difference between acceptable behaviour and unacceptable behaviour.

    • ThussaysNanaMarie profile image

      ThussaysNanaMarie 4 years ago from In my oyster

      I couldn't agree more.

    • krsharp05 profile image

      krsharp05 4 years ago from 18th and Vine

      Welcome back! You hit the nail on the head with this hub. I love that you say, "bad discipline can cause behavioral problems" because I see it all the time. Kids are a product of their environment. You give great characteristics of how to be firm, fair, loving and kind. Good job. -K

    • catgypsy profile image

      catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

      It was simple when I was young. My mom was the sweetest person on earth, but when she said "no", we knew she meant it. She didn't beat us or abuse us...we did get a light spanking sometimes, but nothing abusive. My dad was the same way. We respected our parents and so we did what they said. The main thing I see now is no respect from children for their parents and that the kids are running the show. I don't know where parenting went wrong, but it seems to have fallen apart . Great hub.

    • meloncauli profile image
      Author

      meloncauli 4 years ago from UK

      Thanks for your input!

    • meloncauli profile image
      Author

      meloncauli 4 years ago from UK

      Thanks krsharp05! I agree with you totally!

    • meloncauli profile image
      Author

      meloncauli 4 years ago from UK

      Hi catgypsy. Yes, my parents were the same and I would never look on it as abuse as far as I am concerned. A parent's job has been made somewhat harder. Here in the UK, children have been given a bigger and louder voice over the last decade, mostly through government legislation. Our schools are now falling downhill rapidly with regards discipline and it helps if both parents and schools are working in unison. It's great giving children a voice but it wasn't taken into consideration that kids will exploit this.

    • catgypsy profile image

      catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

      The same thing has happened in the US. I couldn't agree with you more about kids exploiting this. Something has to change and I vote for going back to the old fashioned brand of parenting!

    • meloncauli profile image
      Author

      meloncauli 4 years ago from UK

      Thanks catgypsy. Different generations, different rules. The parents who beat their children spoilt it for the parents who gave one good old fashioned slap on the backside or hand!

    • leahlefler profile image

      leahlefler 4 years ago from Western New York

      This is a great hub, meloncauli! Routine is so very, very important with small children. I wish I had realized this when my first baby was born. They really need a predictable routine - we didn't have a good bedtime routine established with my firstborn and it was so difficult to get him into bed! By the time my second born arrived, we had figured out that a routine was vital, and he was much, much easier!

    • meloncauli profile image
      Author

      meloncauli 4 years ago from UK

      Thanks for the comment. Must admit I was a stickler for routine with all four of my children and I didn't have bedtime tantrums with any of them.

    • izettl profile image

      Laura Irwin 4 years ago from The Great Northwest

      This is a good article.

    • meloncauli profile image
      Author

      meloncauli 4 years ago from UK

      Thanks izettl!

    • Mz Quene Bee profile image

      Aquene 3 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

      Thank you so much for this hub! I thought I was one of the few who still believed in the importance of discipling your children. I see so many parents who just let their children run the show even in public and it is such a disservice to the child!

    • profile image

      Piemaker 3 years ago

      I'm glad I read this. I've got two preteens. They were great kids but they are a handful now. Their friends at school are no better. I miss the sweet toddlers they used to be.

    • meloncauli profile image
      Author

      meloncauli 3 years ago from UK

      Yes. We tend to think of the hardest work when children are very small. It gets more complicated as they get older!

    • Sparrowlet profile image

      Katharine L Sparrow 16 months ago from Massachusetts, USA

      I like your emphasis on leading by example and also providing for a secure environment through maintaining routines. Personally, I believe that spanking is assault and should never (read NEVER) be used as discipline.

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