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Confessions: Parents, We Ought to Know What We are Putting our Children Through

Updated on February 6, 2012
Is your family in turmoil? Is Divorce the Answer? THINK AGAIN...
Is your family in turmoil? Is Divorce the Answer? THINK AGAIN... | Source

The Breaking Ties of Family Bonds

Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary by-pass. After such a monumental assault on the heart, it takes years to amend all the habits and attitudes that led up to it.”- Marry Kay Blakely

It is already a given fact that at least 56% of couples getting married today end up in divorce in the coming 5 to 10 years of being together. In fact, if wedding planning is ranked to be at least the fourth most highly paid careers in the industry today, divorce lawyers are ranked to be the third most highly paid professionals around the globe at the same time. Is it true that family-establishment has become nothing but a source of "good business"? Sadly, this has become the accepted truth. This is the reason why many couples today simply decide to live-in-together and not get married at all, because as they say "if there is nothing to break, there would be no reason to be interested in breaking anything at all". Some even believe that more live-in partners are even more successful than married ones.

The thing is "separation" among couples, whether married or not has become a worldwide culture accepted by many countries and many groups of individuals.

Marriage, being the connection between two very different people is a commitment that is not that easy to keep. Given that the said individuals are supposed to adjust towards each other's strengths and weaknesses while having their own personal issues, marriage really is a commitment not only to the other but also to one's self in keeping an integral role in the relationship. This is where most couples fail after 5 to 10 years of being together that some simply call it quits.

The words of Mary Kay Blakely as cited above however is not simply pointing out on what the couples who have separated goes through after the process of divorce. Instead, it involves the other members of the family, especially the children.

Divorce Marks a Child for Life

True, parents who are trying to say that "divorce is a much better choice than staying together especially for the sake of their kids" are at least 89% wrong all the time.

Children of divorce suffer the pain of being in the middle of a situation that they often do not understand. Take note that they do not share any of the responsibilities related to the separation of their parents in the first place. And yet, as one parent goes, the child tries to adapt to what has become of his or her family and take on responsibilities that they are not supposed to be facing yet at such an early age.

Relatively, no matter what the age of the children may be, their understanding of family relationships become futile. Moreover, their vision of self worth becomes blurry as they see how life is supposed to turn around on them. The process of seeing one's parents live separate lives is not a usual thing especially that families were originally planned to stay together "through thick and thin"....

Some children manage to pretend, but the depression grows to mask their individuality as they grow older
Some children manage to pretend, but the depression grows to mask their individuality as they grow older

True, there might be some children who seem to be not affected by the situation.

Do not be mislead, they are great pretenders....

Depression in the cases of these children become masked behind happy faces and joyful laughter. However, the mask that retains the sanity of the child becomes unearthed in later years and develop into a sense of depression that marks the said individual for life. Disillusion on relationships and/or fear of losing relationships to wasteful fights often become the result of such situations.

Some survive a little while longer, but still, pretensions will never be kept forever. The heart bursts in time and may result to even more serious problems.

So question is, would you like your children to go through such pain... when you could actually work things out with your mate rather than breaking everything up? Marriage is about complimenting the other, making adjustments and accepting both the strengths and weaknesses of our partners. Sometimes, married individuals simply need to support each other to be able to get through with the challenges that they face.


As for me, I am speaking for the sake of the children, because being a child of separated parents, I know how it feels to be left out, to be left alone, to feel nowhere and to wander out asking why these things happened. I have been vulnerable and victimized by people who did not care about what they were doing; things that could have been avoided if separation between couples have never been an accepted norm in the society.

I can only share a bit of my experience, I still have so much reservation about this page of my history. But the compelling need to remind parents of their responsibilities to their children has caused me to move forward and speak for the younger members of the family at perhaps at least save some of them from the ailing emotions and other physical and psychological effects of divorce on children.


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    • rutheddavid profile image

      Ruth Serrano 5 years ago from Philippines

      hi there.. [don't want to be known]....

      i understand you... I actually thought of receiving comments like this when I posted this hub..

      I am just going for the fact that to avoid divorce and the strife it produces among the kids and the couples as well couples ought to plan properly before getting into any of these serious relationships..... like what Becky Katz mentioned... I too am married and have had chances of dealing with the hardships of being married as well.. (nothing like cheating stuff though)... but I did cry my heart out several times and thought of the idea that I am already losing myself... nonetheless, prayers helped so much during these hard times...

      so then, I offer you nothing but prayers... hope you're situation would be better....

      thanks for the comment by the way

    • profile image

      don't want to be known 5 years ago

      Unfortunately, I am going through a divorce myself and we have two beautiful kids. Many of us are so quick to say as parents we need to fight for the marriage and "do what is right" for the kids. I was married for 10+ years and my husband cheated on me twice. I would love to stay married but I can not continue this. I have to believe that God's hand will be upon our kids as we all go through this transition. For my case, it is best for me to divorce because I lost myself. If I can't find myself and I surely can not be the mother I am called to be. I think we should always look at the entire picture before we so quickly tell people to stay in an unhappy or unhealthy marriage. Two sick people will produce sick children.

    • profile image

      kelleyward 5 years ago

      Very useful hub. I agree that divorce marks a kid but also that constant fighting has a negative impact on a child. Thanks for sharing.

    • rutheddavid profile image

      Ruth Serrano 5 years ago from Philippines

      Thanks you guys for all the wonderful and informative comments.... and Becky Katz, that's what I am talking about.... marriage is a contract, a relationship, a commitment, something two people should not jump into out of no where. Divorce could always be avoided if rules are clear... :) KUDOS to all of your comments :)

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      I have been married for 26 years now and it is not an easy thing to do. It is much easier to divorce. I made some rules to keep our children out of the way when we had to argue.

      1. no name calling.

      2. No hitting.

      3. No bringing things up from the past, they are just that, past.

      4. I insisted on counseling from our pastor before we got married. He had been happily married for 45 years then, so I figured he had some good advice. He did.

      5. Remember the pastor's advice.

      6. Always hug and kiss each other, and tell each other you love them, especially after an argument.

      7. Never argue in front of the children. They remember the argument even after it has finished. They will worry about you getting divorced, even if the thought is not in YOUR head.

      8. ALWAYS fight fair.

    • profile image

      KittHill 5 years ago

      Divorce is a difficult thing for children. But, living with two parents who constantly fight and emit so much hatred for each other is not any better. The best choice is to sit with the child and explain what is going on. My husband and I stayed together, but we did separate and I had to tell my children what was going on. I explained to them that they are still the most important people in our lives and were in no way to blame. It was hard, but I was not going to stay in a loveless marriage. What I do not understand is parents that abandon their children. You divorced your spouse, not your children.

    • Beth100 profile image

      Beth100 5 years ago from Canada

      Without a doubt, divorce is difficult for the children. It is the adults who place the children in a position where they are forced to choose one or the other as their "preferred parent". This is, in itself, an act of selfishness on the part of the parents.

      However, sometimes divorce is the only answer. In some cases, when parents stay together "for the sake of the children", the effects of their disharmony can and will cause greater scarring on the children than divorce can.

      For example, if the relationship involves arguing with yelling and emotional abuse, then it is of no benefit to either the children or the adults to remain intact. Daily arguments involving yelling, name calling and belittling is of no benefit to the abused adult nor to the chilren. It only sets an example for the child that it is acceptable to be abused and to be an abuser.

      If there is physical abuse, then it is not reasonable that the abused partner stay in the relationship with the abuser. In these cases, the children must leave with the abused parent (or the victim of the relationship) to a safe home. In circumstances of abuse, no child or adult should ever stay in the relationship for any reason. The effects are emotional, physical and life long. It is better to leave the relationship and set up a new life that is free from abuse. Should the abuser decide to change, then the abuser should do this away from the presence of the children and the abused. The greatest gift you can give a child in an abusive home is a home where they can feel safe.

      Overall, I agree with you that the children are the ones that pay the penalty for the mistakes that the parents make. The key to a successful divorce for children is to have the parents remember, be sensitive and enact all decisions based on what is the right choice for the children. If both parents could agree on this one point, then the children would actually benefit from the situation.

      Divorce is difficult for children and adults alike. I am sorry that your circumstances has inflicted deep pain upon your soul. I hope that you will find peace within yourself. Peace and light.