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BEAUTIFUL FIRST BORN

Updated on April 18, 2016

mad-as-a-rabbit

I never thought my life as I new it, will change forever. Cursed, be afflicted with sadness and struggles throughout the rest of my life. I was pregnant, shock and fear running through my veins. What am I going to do? The shame, the disappointment, the change. I just started to work as a secretary in the State Presidents office. It was a great opportunity for me. Being pregnant is something that happens to bad girls. Not to good Christian girls as I supposed to be. They covered it up, I had to get married right away. I didn't even love your dad, I didn't know what love was really. I got married to keep my job. My mommy wasn't happy either, what will her friends think. "An abortion is a good option" mommy said. I was feeling so alone. I married. I got transferred to a different department to cover up the scandal. My heart was broken. "We have to have a proper wedding. I need to invite my friends" mommy said. I had a proper wedding, white dress with all and all. I couldn't stop crying. I was feeling so alone. Newly wed we moved into a flat. Waiting for you to arrive. I didn't want to be pregnant, I didn't want an abortion. I didn't want to be married. I always knew what I didn't want never knew what I do want. You were born on 11 October 1989. I was only 19 years old or to young. Blocking out my birth experience with you as it was to painful for me to remember the details. I didn't know how to be a mother, wife, carer, cleaner and career women at the same time. I wasn't feeling that natural bond or connection a mother feels with her baby. I just knew I loved you so much, was so afraid that I couldn't take care of you. I wasn't feeling connected to your father. I didn't have the connection or liked me to, for that matter. I needed to get out. I took you and left. If I new it will bring so much pain I might have stayed. I struggled through the divorce on my own. I tried to keep you, lost you in a court battle, that I couldn't fight any more. I was feeling so alone. My life with your dad was so was short. I didn't see much of you when you will a little boy. It was not that I didn't want to see you, your dad moved far away for his work, I just couldn't see you as often as I wanted to. I saw you every second weekend and school holidays after you guys moved back. I treasured those moments as they were so short but memorable. I loved you so dearly, I loved your kind nature, I loved your beautiful spirit. I took a week of work to spend the holiday with you. It was a wonderful fun time. My time with you. On Friday I got the phone call from your dad that you where in an accident. I rushed to hospital. I watched you dying. You died at the age of 12. I died to, lost you, forever. I had to get use to the fact that I will never see you or hear your voice again. I was feeling so alone. Months and months after your death I listened to your voice message on your cell phone until that was cut off. I miss you so much, as the years gone by the missing got worse. I see your friends on Facebook all grown up. I do think of how you would have looked at there age, what would you have been doing with your life. A lot of thoughts crosses my mind. I know you knew I loved you. I always told you that I love you. I sometimes wonder about how my life would have been if I made different choices then.


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