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Do you ever think about your ancestors?

Updated on April 15, 2011

Men of the past.

Sometimes when I'm lounging in my mickey mouse, 1980's era bathing suit, drawstring long gone, eating peanuts and strawberries while Sponge Bob Squarepants plays somewhere in the background my mind begins to drift. It's not the alcohol, the constantly changing language of my various neighbors arguing loudly to ethnic music or even the unread copy of my book on the practice of enforced tooth whitening among quadriplegics during the Third Reich. No, none of these seemingly, and factually, unrelated elements are what swirl to create an environment of deep cultural shame, worthlessness and a vague gnawing sensation that my thoroughly modern American way of life is a complete waste of time. What creates said feeling is, I believe that on its face, the statement is true. My life, in comparison to my forebears is a soft, unmanly, sort of clinical experience. If for instance I find myself feeling insulted, perhaps my honor besmirched, not once would it occur to me to draw my plastic He-man sword and instigate a duel. The He-man sword and my carrying of it are of course nobody's business, and no explanation or account shall be given as to it's placement among my personal artifacts. I always have it, if you try to take it away from me I will prank call a church and tell them that you have been molesting me repeatedly over a period of years. But I digress.

No duel would take place, I think is my point here. In days of old, If I we're to perhaps accost a young ruffian on the street and hit him with some sort of insult, say "Prithee, ye dumbfellow. I find your mustache to be lacking in both fullness and shape. Shall, we settle this like yeomen and have it to the death?" Yeah, something like that. The point being we would be on each other like wolves, but graceful, old timey, sepia toned wolves. There would be oodles of style.

Also in the old days, you could poop pretty much anywhere you want. You still can, but the civil authorities will hunt you down and chastise you thoroughly.


I bow to the men of the past, the real men who fought and pooped in any place at any time for any reason. If they could see us now. My god, if they could see us now.

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