- Family and Parenting
Escaping The Narcissistic Maze Part 3
Well it has been a while since my last post and anyone who has been involved with a narcissist understand why. I am either so buy dealing with the issues or I am so drained emotionally that I can not talk about it, think about it, or write about it. So I will just pick up where I left off.
After the judge ordered that me and my children could stay in the home and receive support the slander became even worse. Everyone in our small town and church had been told by the sociopath that I was an adulterer, drug addict, thief, etc... Everyday I would wake up and feel alone. My ex in-laws were trying to "stay out of it." My friends I could count on one hand and I had become so paranoid and felt I couldn't trust anyone. I tried to just keep my head up and be strong for my kids.
I had a lot of trouble with my oldest son. His father targeted him not only for the abuse but also to manipulate and bribe him. My 17 year old became a live in spy. He would tell his dad everything I was doing and even take things from the house and bring them to him. The narc did everything he could to try to turn our son against me and it worked. My son and I argued daily. He began to fill the shoes of his dad by breaking things, punching things, and throwing horrible fits filled with rage. Again home became a nightmare for me and my two youngest children. Everyone started telling me to throw my son out of the house. This is a very hard thing to do. From the outside it seems like any easy choice but he is still my son. No matter what I love him and always will. My love for my kids is not conditional like they experience with their dad. I do not give love and take it away. And at this point in my escape I had not learned to stand up for myself. I tried very hard to just live right and show my son that I was not the monster his dad made me out to be. I tried to continue to be a good person regardless of what was going on. I even gave my ex time with the kids on Christmas Eve that he was not scheduled for. I sent the kids to his parents house on the evening of Christmas Eve and guess what? He never showed up. The kids were heartbroken. My mistake!
As the New Year rolled around and we came closer to mediation and other divorce proceedings more and more things began disappearing from the home. Any sort of files or information I might have needed for my attorney. My son was helping his dad try to hide assets among other things. I felt like I could not take my eyes off of him ever. The younger two kids hated the visits with their dad. They would do everything they could to try to get out of going to see him at all. Plus he was always late to pick them up. He was staying the same selfish person he had always been.
Around January he began sending me the most awful harassing messages on the court appointed app for communication. He would accuse me of ridiculous illegal activity, child neglect, and anything else he could think of that would make me look negative. I guess that he thought since the messages were monitored by the courts then he could just put crazy things on there and the courts would believe it. It was very bizarre behavior and it confused me a great deal. And then towards the end of January came the great personality switch! After six months of separation and going through the process of a divorce he decided he wanted me back. This is a pattern that he seemed to have all of his life. He likes to mistreat people or break the law up to the point that he can still talk his way out of consequences. This is something I blame his parents for. He was always in trouble as a child and teenager and they were always around to bail him out before it got to bad for him. He never got to learn that there are consequences to your actions. So as he was close to loosing everything or half of everything in the divorce he decided to try to win me back. It was different this time though. I had been away from him enough to not be clouded in my judgement anymore. I did not believe that he loved me. I knew he thought he owned me. His attention, compliments, and gifts all left me feeling sick. I truly did not love him. He no longer had any hold on me. The thought of him touching me or even spending time with him repulsed me. However my self esteem was not were it needed to be yet. He did manage to get in my head and it caused me to make a mistake that I will forever regret. He talked me into the most horrible divorce settlement that ever existed. When I look back now I can not understand how I could have been so stupid. I wanted to be divorced. I wanted to be free. I also for some reason believed that he would always take care of me and do what he said he was going to do. I wanted to believe it so bad that ignored my attorney when she told me I shouldn't agree to any of it. I thought if the whole thing was over that there would be peace. I still to this day do not know what I was thinking. After signing the worst divorce decree in the world and robbing my kids of their future, giving up my restraining order, and all of the progress I had made I invited satan back into my life. I thought I was being strong because I wasn't taking him back. I was very naive still and should never had made that decision.
I will be back soon to tell you what happened after I signed my life away.