Fail; Staying together for the Sake of the Children
The Sake of the Children
Abe was married three times.
His first wife divorced him as soon as she learned he'd gotten another woman pregnant.
Abe didn't marry the other woman. He blamed her for his divorce. Soon, he found another woman. He married her, she bore him a child then divorced him for the same reason as Wife One.
Wife Three was Mandy. She was half Abe's age, bore him five children. She did not divorce him when she learned of his adultery because of the children.
Mandy stayed with Abe for the 'sake' of her children.
Ex-Wife One and Two went on with their lives. They had early difficulties but surmounted them. They married again. The children love their new daddy. They all live normal lives.
Many, Wife Three does not live a normal life, nor do her children.
She may claim to have 'forgiven' Abe with her voice but the truth is she removed all affection she might have felt.
As Abe had difficulty bonding, (which explains why he can't keep his pants on) he was incapable of saying/doing anything to regain his wife's trust. Nor her interest.
As the years passed she liked him less and less, withdrew more and more. It wasn't a 'forced' detachment, it was a natural process.
Having decided to quash her hurt and continue the marriage for the 'sake' of the children, the husband was moved to the periphery. Mandy concentrated on herself, her job, and her children.
In that Order.
The children knew something was wrong. Their home life was not like that on television or what they'd seen with their friends. They retreated into themselves, adopting silence.
They became Zombies.
They were quiet, introverted. They gave no trouble, and who noticed them?
Their father? Only when he needed someone to run an errand.
Their mother? She created a world outside of the home to preserve her ego.
Wife One and Wife Two's children are normal. They can speak to people, know how to behave in social settings.
Wife Three has 'zombies'.
There is no way to really 'forgive' adultery unless one has their own 'dark corner'.
In most cases the wife has done nothing wrong, there is no reason for the infidelity, and no synthesis at reconciliation. One can not 'make believe that part didn't happen'.
One can not 'forget' the feelings, the hurt, the anger. The 'relationship' is over. What might take its place is a new, less passionate connection in which the Betrayed creates fail safes so as not to ever put herself back into the same situation again.
The Betrayer eventually realises will never regain the love he sacrificed, never be so important to his wife that he can 'destroy her world'.
His children are somewhat resented, for the wife stayed with him for them, not for him.
This form of 'jealousy' in relation to a child for the affection of the wife/mother is nothing 'new' as many men do feel that their wives like 'the baby better than me'.
In this stage of a relationship where the marriage is maintained for the children's sake, not for the husband's 'proves' the supposition.
The Effect on Children
The effect on children in this kind of 'on paper marriage', even if there are plateaus of amicability, is devastating.
The children learn how to hide their real feelings, how to use silence and
develop tacit resentment and mistrust which is buried so deeply they have difficulty relating to people.
Those who are able to marry often can not sustain a relationship.
This is one of the reasons why children of divorced parents often divorce. The traits they developed as children in response to their parent's marriage leads to the end of their own.
Hence the boy will grow into a man who, depending on how much he hates his father, will either be his mirror image or forced obverse. The girl will have an innate distrust of men and marry for money or position.
The new mantra should be that parties separate for the sake of the children.