- Family and Parenting»
Genetic Attraction- Reuniting with a Toxic Father
The poster child for genetic sexual attraction
It’s strange to be known as the girl who fell in love with her father. Of course that doesn’t really sum it up well because dealing with adoptive reunions and GSA is like peeling an onion. One layer of an onion is paper thin and hardly flavorful. Bite into the whole vegetable and your mouth explodes. GSA is similar. For those of you who are new to the concept of incest among reunited relatives, it is simple in theory and highly complex in real life. Two people who’ve been separated for their whole lives don’t bond properly. When they reunite, the need for attachment tricks the brain into feeling sexual feelings for the family member. Layer number one.
For many adoptees, this is where it ends. You reunite and feel a rush of excitement, intensity, emotion, and joy. You obsess about your new family members and look for reasons to be with him or her. You harbor some secret fantasies briefly that never leave your brain. With time and space, your emotions calm down and you either integrate into your new family or grow apart.
Genetic Sexual Attraction affects all types of people, but incestuous relationships born from GSA affect the broken. Worse still, those with deep-seated issues, addictions, and/or mental illness can become absolutely toxic when GSA hits. The damage is devastating when these feelings become an excuse for illicit sexual behavior.
I was in layer one of the onion. I felt the rush, the intensity, and even had drifting emotions and thoughts about my father that were not what I considered “normal”. I rushed myself right into counseling and poured my heart out to her, hoping to gain some clarity.
My father however was blind to his own weaknesses. He felt those stirrings of GSA and launched a relentless campaign of seduction, manipulation, and abuse to lure me into his delusion of love and intimacy. Because I was broken by early abandonment and rejection, I took the bait. I bit that whole onion and felt the overwhelming flavor of abusive and heart wrenching feelings that accompany toxic and exploitive relationships.
So when I joke about being the poster child for GSA or mutter that "reunions are complicated", I recognize the absurdity of the media’s portrayal of “falling in love” with my Dad. If it were only so easy to discuss such a sensitive subject with a few words. I’ve remained largely silent about my father’s toxicity out of loyalty. It is misplaced loyalty for sure and after a year of struggling through the nightmare, I hold no such whimsical notions.
I also was afraid. Afraid of the backlash and punishment from him and his family. Tortured by his quiet whisperings and slimy insistence that I keep my mouth shut. But I am stronger now. Stronger than I was in the media interviews with Dr. Drew and ABC. Gaining strength every day that passes.
GSA is a natural response to a broken situation. But incest because of GSA is dangerous, toxic, and incredibly destructive. The problem is that no two situations are alike. Siblings, half-siblings, fathers/daughters, mother and sons, each person comes to the table with a unique set of personality strengths and weaknesses. Day after day I receive emails from people who are silently struggling through eerily similar situations- yet I know that the cocktail of personality traits, motivations, and issues can be vastly different from my own situation.
- How to Connect with a Toxic Loved One, When All Communication Has Ended?
Even though all communication forms may have ended, the one you bounded with never seems to be far from the interchanges in your heart and mind. Even though you may know this separation is for your psychological benefit, this wound from a parent, spo
- Poem of Adoptee Finding Her Dad- The Joy of a Daughter Reunited
Reunions are emotional events. This is a poem written by a woman who reunited with her father and struggled to find the words to express what she was feeling.
As time goes on, I will become more outspoken about the abuse and subtle manipulation that plagues parent/child relationships, whether reunited with GSA or not. For those who are considering a reunion with a family member, please do some homework and research. Education and emotional preparation are necessary before jumping into a reunion with a long lost family member.