Going Home Again
My parents and older brother are deceased. I have one brother who still lives in my home town, but to me it is not "home" anymore. Everything about my hometown has changed and it is not the same place to me anymore. In fact, it gives me heart palpitations to even think about going back to this part of the country again.
I left my hometown in New Hampshire in 1988 and moved to Virginia. At the time, my mother had died and my dad came to visit in the winter months. He died in 1992, after my older brother and I went to see him for several weeks. Then in 2007, my brother died in Tuscon AZ and I had seen him a year before his passing. There is something in me that requires certain closure, and it must be while someone is still living.
My husband and I lived in Massachusetts for 4 years, from 2003-2007, while trying to recover from financial ruin. The entire time I was there, I virtually saw very few people. I worked all the time, and my life was complicated. Not many came to see me either. It was odd, but understandable. Life goes on. In late 2007, we relocated to Seattle, WA and I "came home"..it was a place that felt like home to me, it was more aligned with my personality and I have become more peaceful and retrospective.
Just thinking about returning to New Hampshire, or Massachusetts has left me cold. I do not want to travel the distance, or even be in the atmosphere of the area. Don't get me wrong. There is great beauty there, and many people who I love dearly. There is a sense of anguish inside me that is hard to pinpoint. But, you know that things have a way of happening that make you face your angst. My childhood friend is undergoing health concerns and so I am going to return for about 12 days in order to be with her at this time. It is something I need to do, for her and for me. She and I have known each other for over 50 years, and there is a sense of sister-hood there. And so I am going back. My son also lives in Boston, so I will spend some time with him as well. And maybe see all those new people I have reconnected with on FaceBook from so long ago.
I am sad. Life is so short and it is so hard to let go of those we love. I know this will happen to us all...and as a Buddhist try to remain unattached, but it is not easy to be so. The road ahead is full of twists and turns and we do not know of our fate, but we do know there is this destiny for us all. And in knowing, we can remain a loving presence to those who are undergoing such hardships, and offer our love and support in whatever way possible....however we may do it.