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Going Home Again

Updated on May 8, 2010
My dog Chloe in her zen in Seattle too.
My dog Chloe in her zen in Seattle too.

My parents and older brother are deceased. I have one brother who still lives in my home town, but to me it is not "home" anymore. Everything about my hometown has changed and it is not the same place to me anymore. In fact, it gives me heart palpitations to even think about going back to this part of the country again.

I left my hometown in New Hampshire in 1988 and moved to Virginia. At the time, my mother had died and my dad came to visit in the winter months. He died in 1992, after my older brother and I went to see him for several weeks. Then in 2007, my brother died in Tuscon AZ and I had seen him a year before his passing. There is something in me that requires certain closure, and it must be while someone is still living.

My husband and I lived in Massachusetts for 4 years, from 2003-2007, while trying to recover from financial ruin. The entire time I was there, I virtually saw very few people. I worked all the time, and my life was complicated. Not many came to see me either. It was odd, but understandable. Life goes on. In late 2007, we relocated to Seattle, WA and I "came home" was a place that felt like home to me, it was more aligned with my personality and I have become more peaceful and retrospective.

Just thinking about returning to New Hampshire, or Massachusetts has left me cold. I do not want to travel the distance, or even be in the atmosphere of the area. Don't get me wrong. There is great beauty there, and many people who I love dearly. There is a sense of anguish inside me that is hard to pinpoint. But, you know that things have a way of happening that make you face your angst. My childhood friend is undergoing health concerns and so I am going to return for about 12 days in order to be with her at this time. It is something I need to do, for her and for me. She and I have known each other for over 50 years, and there is a sense of sister-hood there. And so I am going back. My son also lives in Boston, so I will spend some time with him as well. And maybe see all those new people I have reconnected with on FaceBook from so long ago.

I am sad. Life is so short and it is so hard to let go of those we love. I know this will happen to us all...and as a Buddhist try to remain unattached, but it is not easy to be so. The road ahead is full of twists and turns and we do not know of our fate, but we do know there is this destiny for us all. And in knowing, we can remain a loving presence to those who are undergoing such hardships, and offer our love and support in whatever way possible....however we may do it.


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    • Aley Martin profile image

      Alice Lee Martin 7 years ago from Sumner, Washington,USA

      Thanks..I leave today and am feeling less ambivalent about everything done here, which was part of my angst I think!

    • Micky Dee profile image

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      Great thoughts Aley!

    • katyzzz profile image

      katyzzz 7 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      Life is funny that way, Aley, none of us know our destinies.

      A touching hub

    • Sierra Greer profile image

      Sierra Greer 7 years ago


      As so often, I relate to what you're saying here, too. My past is in Michigan, and most everyone I know from there has moved on. It was a great place for me to grow-up, but life has a way of placing you, where you need to be. For me, it's the West, and I, like you, would dread returning to my roots.


    • Aley Martin profile image

      Alice Lee Martin 7 years ago from Sumner, Washington,USA

      Thanks to all...I feel some trepidation, but my childhood friends are ever supportive as are you all.!


    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 7 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Aley, I wish you the best as you travel home. Don't focus too much on the future, and on the things you dislike about going home. Stay in the moment with your friend. You will find glimpses of the eternal, as you stay connected to each breath. Godspeed.

      Namaste friend.

    • Sage Williams profile image

      Sage Williams 7 years ago

      A warm and tender heartfelt hub that will touch the hearts of many people. "A journey of 1,000 miles begins with the first step." The angst in your heart needs to be healed, trust in the process and let it unfold. You are doing exactly what you need to know. Follow your heart and make the best out of your journey.

      Enjoyed your hub very much, best of luck to you.


    • suny51 profile image

      suny51 7 years ago

      This is one point where i always get confused and find myself searching for words,should I say Aley Martin-everyday you’re one step away from the past and one step closer to your future. walk on.God bless you.

    • Aley Martin profile image

      Alice Lee Martin 7 years ago from Sumner, Washington,USA

      Thanks Lorlie...always bittersweet, but ah so necessary...!

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      My heart goes out to you, Aley. Returning 'home' can be frightening-not a journey for the faint of heart. From what I know of you here at HubPages, I believe you have the strength to learn from such emotional adversity.

      All the best, dear woman.

    • Aley Martin profile image

      Alice Lee Martin 7 years ago from Sumner, Washington,USA

      Your comments are always so supportive Nellieanna...thank you

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 7 years ago from TEXAS

      Beautiful, heartfelt hub, Aley. I key in with the loss of family members. My 3 siblings were all quite a bit older than I and I came along when our parents were in their 40s, so it was almost inevitable that I'd outlive them all. And it started far earlier than expected. There are other ways we lose people we deeply care about as well & I've had my painful share. It's extremely difficult no matter how well we embrace non-attachment. Our hearts do attach, as they must and should.

      But it is possible to manage. I'm so glad you've found a location in which you feel at home. That's vital.

      My best wishes for you on your trip back "there" to be with your childhood friend. Perhaps it will be like my younger stepson's recent experience visiting me here in the house he pretty much grew up in, none too happily and has not revisited in 26 years. He said he'd expected to find ghosts, but sat in the den and with a large gesture declared, "There are no ghosts!" It was very gratifying for both of us.

      Perhaps any ghosts you may dread will be gone, as well.