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Hate Equals Fear - Chapter 7

Updated on October 15, 2012

Burning with fever

My mother left me in an orphanage called Goldenbridge in Dublin, Ireland while she went to England to finish her nursing and get her qualifications so she could get a job  to support us.

I have been in this orphanage for nearly two years now. I am about 7 years old and my leg is hurting. I am in bed with one of the big girls. She is supposed to mind me because I was injured that day and ended up in hospital receiving many stitches to my knee. This is not my first visit to this hospital with serious injuries requiring many stitches. Not like nowadays nobody then seemed to ask any questions why this child keeps getting injured. 

I cannot wake the girl  so I crawl along the corridor to the toilet where I put my hand into the cistern and take out handfuls of water to quench my thirst. I am on fire and my leg is throbbing. I feel so alone as I crawl back to bed. I am about six years old.

I feel so lonely I just want someone to love me I just want someone to rub my head and tell me I am a good boy.


Sitting huddled together to keep warm

I am still in Goldenbridge orphanage and we have been sent to a place called Rathdrum for our summer holidays. It is a home in Wicklow surrounded by high walls and we go there in big buses. That summer was particularly cold and I am sitting huddled with some other children under a very large tree freezing and my teeth are chattering. They had forgotten to pack jumpers (sweaters) for us so we just wore tee shirts, shorts and sandals. I feet so miserable, so lonely and so cold I want to scream for someone to let us back into the dormitory so I can get warm again but it is no use. Nobody will listen. We stay there all day and I lose hope. I hate the cold.


I am in Rathdrum the orphanage home in County Wicklow we are sent to for the summer months.

My mother sent me a Batman handkerchief in the post from England and I cherish it. It is all I have to remind me of her. A girl asks me if she can borrow the handkerchief for a minute and she would give it back. I hand it to her but when she returns it I notice that she has torn the seam all the way around the handkerchief to make ribbons for my sisters’ hair. I cry and cry. I am so upset my heart is breaking. How could they do this to my most precious possession? I hate my mother will never love me now. Not when she sees what I have done with her gift.


To this day the cold is my bitter enemy. I wear many layers of clothing ever winter and though during the summer months I am very active and indulge in a wide variety of outdoor activities including long distance running and jumping off storm walls into the cold Irish Sea I hibernate in the winter. My body mind curls up under that tree in Wicklow every year and does not emerge until the sun comes out. 

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    • Minnetonka Twin profile image

      Linda Rogers 5 years ago from Minnesota

      I agree that you have become the man your parents can be proud of. Those difficult experiences you had, shaped you, just as my childhood experiences have shaped me. I do need to do more work on myself before becoming where you are at but you do give me hope. I know writing my memoirs will help greatly. So glad to know you :-)

    • Goyakla profile image

      Goyakla 5 years ago from United Kingdom

      Thank you Minnetonka Twin, but life has a way of giving us exactly what we need. Compassion was something I did not receive but perhaps if I did I wouldn't be the man I am today.

      I hope my story gives hope to those who would otherwise give up and resign themselves to being victims of a cruel world. We each have a choice though at times it may be hard to see this. With a strong mind and a willingness to see the world and our experiences in the correct light we regain our freedom.

    • Minnetonka Twin profile image

      Linda Rogers 5 years ago from Minnesota

      I am so captivated by this journey. I just wish someone would have shown you some compassion and love so you could have a little trust in human nature. It is so hard to read this but it's so good that you purged for your healing. You are touching many with this series of your life.