He is jealous for me
Since being pregnant I’ve been getting a lot of attention from family and friends that are all extremely excited for my baby to get here. I’m 28 weeks pregnant, due in May, so the count down is now officially on, for some people. I haven’t begun to count down, as I know that will make it feel longer for me, because all I want to do is hold my little baby. (My husband and I decided not to find out what gender the baby is, so please don’t be offended if I refer to him or her as “it”.) I love feeling the baby move around inside me, and I love that my husband and I are the only ones that have been able to feel him/her move, apparently (s)he has performance issues as when other people touch my stomach the baby will immediately stop moving, and Jon, my husband, has only felt it move a couple of times, as the baby will do the same thing for him quite often.
As I said before I really can’t wait to be able to hold my baby in my arms, and snuggle and just love on my baby, but the selfish part of me is not wanting the baby to come out, ever. I want to be the only one holding my baby, and be the only one that wants my baby, besides my husband. I, at this point, don’t want anyone else to want my baby. My jealousy extends to everyone, except Jon. I just want it to be my little family, Jon myself and “baby G”.
I have been having a really difficult time with these feelings because I feel like they are very selfish and unreasonable, as it is totally understandable that my dad, mom and sister are excited about the new baby. I, also, have been feeling like I am the only one that thinks like this, although I haven’t spoken with many other new moms about these feelings. I have spoken to Jon about them, and he understands what I am feeling, but I don’t think he understands why I am feeling this way, and he doesn’t have the same issue, he isn’t feeling the same way, he is just excited for the baby to finally come.
While talking to my husband about this, one of the many times that we have spoken about it, I realized that this must be a small glimpse of what God feels for all of his children. The bible says he is a jealous God; “For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God” Exodus 34:14 NKJ, also “Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; showing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.” Exodus 20: 5&6. God is jealous for me, He doesn’t want me serving or worshipping anyone or anything above him. I can only imagine how he feels when one of his children choose some other god over Him. It kills me to just think about my baby choosing someone over me, and I am only capable of a fraction of the love that God has for each one of us individually.
Of course, I still struggle with this, it isn't something that just goes away, and I'm not the personality type to just completely move on from it right away (I wish). I have however found comfort in knowing I am not entirely alone in this. I am never alone in the trials. "Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said 'I will never leave you or forsake you' So we may boldly say 'the Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?'" Hebrews 13:5-6. So even in times of feeling inadequate, or insecure, or prematurely jealous of my babies attention, I know that God is there with me, feeling my pains and sorrows, and wanting to take all the anxiousness away from me as soon as I ask him to. What kind of friend or parent could be better than that. “What man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:9-11.